I’m waving my white flag…I’m tired, I’m ashamed and I surrender.

Let me preface this post but stating clearly that I do not think I’m “fat”.  This isn’t about skinny or fat.  It’s about not liking what you see when you look in the mirror no matter what size you are.  It’s about society’s unrealistic idea of what constitutes beauty compared to the reality of beauty.  It’s about focusing so hard on your imperfections, you lose sight of who you are.   It’s about a mind shift from dieting to being healthy…no matter what your shape or size may be.  It’s about acceptance and self-love.

I’ve generally been ok with my body over the years.  I’ve never been a big exerciser, never had a six-pack, always had my problem areas that I did my best to hide, but was pretty confident in my skin.  With that being said, I was always trying to lose ten pounds…always.  That’s changed in the past couple of years.  I was doing the same things I was always doing, but my body was changing rapidly and keeping up with my “average” body was becoming harder and harder.  I was doing more with less results and I became my worst critic.  With each pound I gained, I lost twice that in self-esteem and self-respect.

That’s when I knew the madness had to stop.

I was tired of the disgust I felt when I looked in the mirror.  I was tired of the contempt I felt for myself that I didn’t make the gym a priority in my life.  I was tired of shying away from friends’ invitations that might have anything to do with water or a bathing suit.  I was tired of comparing myself to people who were most likely comparing themselves to someone else.  I was tired of beating myself up that I didn’t look the way I did at 20 or 30 or even 40.

And I was ashamed of myself.  I was ashamed that my daughter had seen me crying in a dressing room because nothing fit.  I was ashamed that I sometimes looked for people who were heavier than me and felt relieved that I wasn’t the only one.  I was ashamed that the value of my day could be based on the number on the scale.  I was ashamed that I would stare at magazines and feel inferior and lazy.  I was ashamed I was buying in to this crap because I know better!

So, I’m surrendering.  I’m escaping society’s vision of what a perfect body should look like.  I am no longer your prisoner.  I’m giving up this fight with my body.  I’m throwing away the scale.  I’m done talking about how I need to lose 10 lbs (or 5 or 15 or 20…whatever it is in a given month or year).  I’m finished explaining away my cellulite or muffin top or saddle bags.   And most importantly, I will never again be the crappy role model I’ve been to my daughter.

Surrendering to this unrealistic standard frees me up to do what’s really important. I’m free to learn to be a healthy eater because my body deserves it.  I’m free to be active and keep moving because I want to play with my grandkids one day.  I’m free to lift weights so I don’t get the osteoporosis so prevalent in my family.  I’m free to teach my daughter AND son that bodies come in all different sizes and shapes and they are all beautiful and utterly amazing.  I’m free to remind myself that my worth and value are so much more than a number or a size.  I’m free to build other women up no matter their size or shape rather than tearing them down out of jealousy or insecurity.  I’m free to accept my body at whatever size I might be, knowing that changes with my outside self have no bearing on my inside self.  I’m free to change my goal from losing weight to adding years to my life.

I remember doing a body image group one year with some middle school girls.  They were all beautiful girls, but in that awkward stage, going through the transition from caterpillar to butterfly.  And like the rest of the world, they were obsessed with their physical appearance.  I asked each of them to write down the things they loved most about their best friend.

She is always there when I need her.

She makes me laugh.

We have so much fun together.

She keeps my secrets.

She’s a great listener.

After we read them I looked at them and reminded them that not one of them loved their best friend because of their physical appearance.  Not one of them said…

She has small thighs.

She has a flat stomach.

She has the perfect size chest.

She has thick, long hair.

She has a round butt.

We love people because of how they make us feel, not what they look like.  This unrealistic and damaging message that we have to look like a Victoria’s Secret model to be considered beautiful is hurting our society in so many ways.  Most women want it to stop, but we are our worst enemies.  We snicker when someone has gained weight.  We call someone “obsessed” who loves to work out.  We judge each other for being “too fat” and then when we lose weight, we are immediately judged for being “too skinny”.  We assume someone overweight is lazy and someone who is naturally skinny has an eating disorder.  And what’s even sadder, is WE have the power to stop this instead of perpetuating it!

And I know I’m not alone.  I hear beautiful, smart, talented women demean themselves because of some aspect of their appearance.  The fact they are talented, creative, articulate, funny, compassionate, and brilliant are all secondary to whether they look good in their jeans.  It’s heartbreaking.

So, instead of counting calories, I’m counting sunsets from my porch.  Instead of tracking my meals, I’m tracking the memories I’m making with my friends and family.  Instead of stepping on the scale, I’m stepping up for causes I believe in.  Instead of saying no to the occasional milkshake, I am saying no to anything that doesn’t feed my soul.  Instead of focusing on losing the weight, I am focusing on losing the guilt.  Instead of self-loathing, there will be self-love.  Instead of rejection, there will be acceptance.

And I hope you hold me accountable when I slip!  Let’s remind each other what’s really important and the true qualities that make someone “beautiful”.  Let’s support and lift each other up.  Let’s stop judging, not only others, but more importantly ourselves.  Let’s stop the competition because I can promise you, no one is winning, especially our daughters.

Taryn Brumfitt (BodyImageMovement.com) summed up my feelings best.

Women are always being told to change or be different—lose weight, fight aging, smooth your skin, get rid of cellulite, I mean really, women are such amazing and dynamic creatures can we please change the conversation from this bullsh*t to something with a little more substance?

Yes, please.

Someone asked me recently why it has been so long since I’ve posted anything to my blog.  Without hesitation, I responded “I am so busy!”  Then I cringed.  I couldn’t believe those four awful words had passed my lips!  Unfortunately it’s not the first time either…

I used to wear my “busyness” as a badge of honor.  I took pride in showing people my color-coordinated, completely full calendar.  People would shake their heads and say, “I don’t know how you do it.” I wasn’t sure how I did it either, but I was proud that I did.  There was something for me that equated being busy with being efficient, being productive, being organized, and having it all together.  The sad part is I was far from any of those things, but the busyness allowed me to avoid facing the real me. 

The truth is, I was using being busy as an excuse.

As long as I was busy and could prove my busyness with my overflowing schedule, I had an excuse.  An excuse for not being an attentive wife or playful mother.  An excuse for not being a supportive friend or mindful volunteer.  An excuse for not taking care of myself, both physically and mentally.  An excuse for never being in the moment, because I was always coordinating my next day’s worth of busyness. 

When a weekend would come upon me that was completely clear, I would feel a bit of anxiety.  Being busy had become such a huge part of my identity, I wasn’t sure who I was without a list of activities that needed me.  I was never quite sure what to do with myself.

As I sit here today, my calendar is just as full, but my attitude about being busy is completely different.  Here’s the thing…

We are ALL busy!!!  Whether we are a stay-at-home mom with young children or a working mom with no children, we are busy!  Whether we are volunteering our time or being a caregiver to our parents, we are busy!  Whether we are working at a job we love or watching our kids play sports, we are busy!  Whether we are writing a blog or preparing a garden for food for our family, we are busy!

And here’s the other thing…

We ALL make time for things that are a priority for us, no matter how busy we are.  Some of us make time to go to the gym or make a healthy dinner.  Others make time to walk our dog or call our mom.  We make time to be at our son’s soccer game or spend a few minutes with our granddaughter.  Some of us make time to meet our friend for a drink or volunteer in our child’s class.  While others make time to read a book or watch our favorite TV show.  We make time to have dinner with our kids or go shopping for that special outfit for the weekend!

I’m not saying it’s easy, I’m just saying it’s not an excuse. 

And I’m not saying we can do everything we want to do. 

There are times I have to say no to spending time with friends because of my kids sports or because I’m at the gym, but there are also times I need to say no to the gym or skip a game because I miss my friends.  Sometimes I forgo a healthy dinner so I can read a book in my hammock.  Other times I don’t get to walk my dog because I meet my husband out for a quick catch up.  And the times I don’t say no or I try to do it all, leads to all kinds of stress.

It’s about finding balance.

I mentioned in a previous post that our school was focusing on the The 7 Habits of Happy Kids this year.  The seventh habit is Sharpen the Saw.  This habit reminds us that just as a car needs four tires to run properly, we also have four parts that need equal attention in order to be healthy and happy human beings…our body, heart, mind, and soul.  It’s with taking care of all four areas that we find that peaceful balance.  I would challenge you that if you find yourself “too busy” for something or someone in your life, one of these four parts is consuming too much of your time.

I now cherish my down time as much as I cherish my busy time.  I’m being intentional in making sure all four of my tires are pumped with air and ready to go!  For example, on Easter I used my heart when I spent time with family celebrating over a delicious meal.  I used my body when I went for a long walk in the sunshine.  I used my mind when I spent time reading a book in my hammock, and I used my soul when I heard the wonderful sermon at church.  Obviously, every day can’t be like that, but I’m determined to find a little heart, mind, body, and soul in as many days as I can!

So let’s quit using busy as an excuse and let us never be too busy sawing to take time to sharpen the saw!!

image by careergirlnetwork.com

Verbify the Word: LimitlessLessons Accept All Meanings

Please let me introduce you to a genuine truthteller.

My good friend at LimitlessLessons is passionate about everything she does. In her life, with her family, in her career, in her writing … she is true. And while she is a wonderfully positive person, her writing and reflection is not all sunshine and rainbows and puppies. She does what I don’t do sometimes–she shares the ugly parts, the vulnerable parts, the absolute true and hard to admit parts. Which is why her writing speaks to us all. We find our souls are sitting there, nodding their collective heads in understanding while we read. It is just one of the reasons why I admire her so much. You are going to love her, too.

Please welcome LimitlessLessons to MommyVerbs and Verbify the Word Wednesday!

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I started LimitlessLessons about a year ago for a variety of reasons.  One of those reasons being I was searching for something, although I’m not sure what.  Maybe I was searching for the key to happiness, or searching for others who were like-minded, trying to better themselves, and searching for something as well.  Or possibly I was searching for an outlet to discuss experiences I was either excited or confused about.  I’m not really sure, but I was definitely searching for something that would make my life more peaceful and fulfilling.

When MommyVerbs was kind enough to invite me to be a guest blogger for her and explained I was to focus on a verb, the word “search” may have been an obvious choice.  But, if there is one thing I’ve learned this past year, it’s that the most concise and beautiful path to a content life is tostop searching and start accepting.

Just as the word “accept” seems like a pretty uncomplicated verb with a straightforward meaning, you would think accepting life as it’s presented to you would be straightforward as well.  Well, it’s not…at least not for me.  Did you know that according to the Encarta Dictionary: English (North America) there are actually twelve definitions for this simple word?  I’ve picked my top 6 definitions to assist me in taking a look at what I’ve learned (and continue to learn) over the past year as I’ve trudged along on my happiness quest.

1.      Take something offered

I’m learning the importance of taking something offered.  More often than not, that “something” is a helping hand, words of wisdom, or simply just a hug.  Accepting others’ help is very difficult for some people (me!) as it can be misconstrued as weakness.  The truth is, it takes great strength to acknowledge your shortcomings and admit you are in over your head.

 2.       Say yes to invitation

I am saying yes to more invitations…literally and figuratively.  I am not very comfortable around people I don’t know well, so making new friends has always been challenging for me.  I have been stepping outside my comfort zone and saying yes to new people and new opportunities as well as reconnecting with old friends I have lost touch with.  Just in the past year I have started yoga, participated in a bowling league, became an advisor for my sorority on campus, painted my first painting, started tennis lessons, and traveled out of the country for the first time with my husband.  Agreeing to write for MommyVerbs falls in this category as well.  There was definitely a time I would have politely declined because I would have been fearful my writing would not have lived up to the expectations.

 3.       Come to terms with something

This is a biggie.  There are so many things I’ve had to come to terms with.  Friends can become strangers as quickly as strangers can become friends.  I can’t stop my kids from growing up or our parents from getting older.  People can be incredibly mean-spirited, but they can also be incredibly kind.  Life goes on even when you don’t want it to.  Endings are always painful.  The quality of your friendships is much more important than the quantity.   People will always judge you, and although you may not live in your past anymore, there will be some who try to visit you there often.  You never know someone’s true character until they are angry at you.

 4.       Endure situation

This definition says to tolerate something without protesting or attempting to change it.  I have spent my life trying to change people and situations or trying to persuade people into seeing things my way.  Once I realized that wasn’t working, I spent years trying to change myself.  Although change can be good, I have focused lately on accepting myself each day wherever I am.  I’m always striving to be a better version of me, but I am finally learning to accept the current model with all its bugs and flaws.

 5.       Believe something

I believe that attitude is everything.  It governs the way you perceive the world and the way the world perceives you and a good attitude helps you achieve your greatest potential.  Although I believe this with all my heart, I have a ways to go with my own attitude some days.

 6.       Take blame for something

I am not perfect and have never claimed to be.  I have made plenty of mistakes and will continue to do so.  I have hurt people and I have handled situations in counter-productive ways.  My parenting is a work in progress and I’m not always the best mom, wife, daughter, sister, employee and friend, but my heart is always in the right place.  No one can be harder on me than I am on myself.  I’ve also realized that sometimes all someone wants to hear is a simple “I’m sorry”.

Unfortunately we can’t be selective about what we accept…we must accept it all.  This is the hard part.  Stewart O’Nan says,

“You couldn’t relive your life, skipping the awful parts, without losing what made it worthwhile.  You had to accept it as a whole–like the world, or the person you loved.”   

As I work tirelessly to find acceptance in the experiences, challenges, and people God lies at my feet, I find my happiness grows in direct proportion.

Laozi, a philosopher and poet of ancient China, encourages us in our acceptance by saying,

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”

So, in the words of my inspiring MommyVerbs friend and colleague…Let’s all, Go. Do that!

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See. I told you so. Don’t you just love her!? Go check her out at www.limitlesslessons.com and like her page on facebook for more daily inspiration.

I was reading something the other day and the article ended with this question…

Are you living or simply existing?

Of course I’m living I thought.   To not be living would mean I don’t love my life and of course I love my life.  End of story.  But, as many things do, it left me thinking.  How do we know if we are merely existing?

Dr. Phil says existing is instinctual; it is involuntary, reactive self-preservation, with the primary goal of just getting from one day to the next without regard to quality. Living, on the other hand, is the exercise of certain learned skills, attitudes, and abilities that you have acquired and honed to a sharp and focused edge.  Living is waking up excited each day and looking forward to the known and unknown the day may bring.

A large component of simply existing is fear.  Fear of making a change, fear of the unknown, fear the grass is not greener.  Because of this fear, we do the same boring routine every day, we stay in dead-end jobs we don’t enjoy, we stay in toxic relationships that are no good for us, and we put off our dreams.  To change feels too hard and too scary.  We settle and make excuses to not live the life we truly want to lead.

Kimanzi Constable published a book called Are You Living or Existing? 9 Steps to Change Your Life.  He explains the difference between living and existing this way…

“The difference is realization, attitude and action. You start by realizing that time is one resource we’ll never get back, so we can’t afford to waste it doing things that won’t better our life. Then have the right attitude towards everything you do, viewing opportunities as a blessing and not another task on your to do list. Action means not wasting your life away watching the latest prime time shows. It means getting out and creating amazing experiences. At the end of your life you won’t remember all of the stuff you got or shows you watched. You’ll remember incredible experiences and times you impacted the lives of others.”

So how would you even know if you’re someone who exists or lives? Steve Jobs did something that could provide some guidance. Apparently he used to wake up each morning, look at himself in the mirror and ask himself the same question, “If I was to die today, would I do what I am about to do?” If his answer was no too many days in a row, he would make a change.  I think this is a good starting point for figuring out if you’re just settling for mediocrity. If you’re not getting excited or happy most days with what you’re going to do, you may need to take action and change something. This goes for every area of your life.

After being brutally honest with myself, I had to admit, although I’ve done my share of living, I’ve also done my share of existing.  I decided that needed to change.  But where to start?  It felt right to start from Constable’s explanation of living…realization, attitude, and action.

I decided the first step was to take control of my life…to be fully responsible and accountable for my own happiness.  It is not the job of my co-workers, husband, children or friends to make my life meaningful, it is mine.  I decided to stop being a spectator to my life and instead, fully participate in each day.  At 45 my life is probably more than half way over and any time spent existing is just not acceptable anymore.  Time is precious and I don’t want to waste another minute.

Secondly, my attitude has to change.  I must begin to count my blessings and not my problems.  I must begin to see obstacles as opportunities.  Most importantly for me, I must stop my perfectionist ways.  I have to learn to be ok with failure and not be afraid to try new things.  I also have to accept the fact that living life to its fullest is not a destination, it’s a journey.  A journey I will be on for the rest of my life.  This step will be a work in progress for me and probably the hardest step of all.  The idea of change brings me much anxiety!

Finally, I must act.  I’m a great planner and a not-so-good follow througher.  I decided to really think about what I feel passionate about in life, what I enjoy doing, and what makes me feel good about myself?  I’m embarrassed to admit how difficult it was to identify things I feel passionate about or enjoy doing.  I’ve never been a big “hobby” person and my life has revolved so much around my kids the past 17 years, I realize I’ve sort of  lost myself along the way.  I am realistic enough to know I’m not ready for huge changes immediately so I’ve outlined some baby steps for myself in all areas of my life to push myself in the right direction. I had to take a deep breath and dig deep, but I’m excited about some of the possibilities I’m investigating.  Remember, even small steps can lead to big possibilities!

How about you?  Do you need to take this journey with me?  Do you find yourself simply existing more days than you are really living?  Or are you someone who lives life to the fullest and wakes up excited for what each day holds?  Either way, I’d love to hear your story!

Happy 2014!!  I’ve taken some time off from writing to focus on my friends and family and honestly, just to relax and re-energize.  I spent the first week of my Christmas vacation entertaining A LOT and the second week recuperating from entertaining.  I did very little except watch my kids play sports.  In fact, I did so little and felt so tired that I went and had a blood test for mono.  Fortunately, no mono, just a touch of the flu and plenty of my body trying to tell me to settle down a bit.  So that’s what I did!  Lazy comes pretty naturally to me when given the opportunity!

During my entertaining week, three generations of women in my family went to have manicures and pedicures.  It was wonderful.  We randomly happened to have the place to ourselves so we were able to really enjoy ourselves.  I had talked my mother into a different kind of manicure than she normally gets and she was very excited with the results.  I was sitting beside her and said “Let me see!”  She enthusiastically showed off her manicure than immediately followed up with shame over the look of her hands.  “Look how old they are, aren’t they ugly?” she stated.  I said, “No mom, they are not ugly…they are beautiful.”  She laughed and we moved on, but her comment stayed with me.  I have compared my own hands to the beautiful unblemished hands of my own daughter and felt the exact same way…ashamed.

When did we become a society so obsessed with looking youthful that we are ashamed of aging?

I was having trouble sleeping one night and so I began to watch TV around 2:00 a.m.  Television that time of night is filled with many infomercials.  I found myself too awake to sleep, but too sleepy to even care what was playing so I just watched and flipped channels. I spent hours watching about how to make a woman’s aging skin look young again, how to fix a woman’s sagging chin, how to get rid of a woman’s ugly stretch marks, and the glorification of looking 20 when you are 40 or 50.  I have to admit, it was quite depressing.  Millions of dollars spent by women trying their hardest not to age…me included.  When did aging become a dirty word?  When did it become unattractive to be 50 years old and actually LOOK 50 years old?  When did we lose respect for the experience and wisdom that comes along with the gift of aging?

I’m in no way saying we shouldn’t take care of ourselves.  We should be eating a healthy diet, exercising our bodies and minds, protecting ourselves from the harmful effects of the sun, and trying our best to cut back on all those bad habits we started in our 20’s.  My point is we have become a culture that has limited the definition of beauty to one word…youth.  I find this extremely disheartening and sad.  And the truth is,  I wouldn’t go back to 20 even if I could.  My body might not be what it once was and I may not be seen as beautiful to some as I was 10 or 20 years ago, but my beauty goes so much deeper than it did back then.  At 44 I don’t want to just look beautiful anymore…I want to be a beautiful person.  There’s a big difference, one I might not have understood in my 20’s and I hope to understand even more in my 70’s. 

So about your hands Mom…I cannot think of anything more beautiful than your hands.  Those hands loved my father for over 40 years and took amazing care of him throughout his battle with cancer.  They changed the diapers of four children and put us to bed each night.  They fed our family, sewed clothes, and knitted scarves.  They have decorated over 50 Christmas trees and wrapped thousands of gifts.  They were our safety net in learning how to walk and they rubbed our backs when we were sick.  They have wiped countless tears and clapped over and over for our accomplishments.  They brushed our hair and baked us cookies.  They have held your head as you prayed for us and smacked our bottoms when we deserved it.  They have written love letters and obituaries.  They have held and rocked eight grandbabies.  Every spot and wrinkle on your hand is a sign of living and loving. 

There is nothing more beautiful than that.

Seventeen years ago we had a snow storm.  I know this because I drove to the hospital in it to give birth to my first-born.  My husband had been out with his company pushing snow and came home around midnight.  I was eight days overdue and just a tad big and uncomfortable (and if you knew me then, you understand why this is sarcastically funny!)  Around 2:00 a.m. I felt a pop.  I can’t describe it, but I knew my water had broken.  I woke up my sleepy husband and as we left the house I remember standing at the front door staring back into the house thinking…this is it…this is where my life becomes “before kids” and “after kids”.  Nothing will be the same.  And it wasn’t.  Thank God. 

After 19 hours of labor, three hours of pushing, and a final attempt with the forceps, all 7 lbs 4 oz, 22 inches of Brandon Thomas Walters entered this world and more importantly, entered my life.

My sweet son.  I feel sorry for him sometimes because he has been somewhat of an experiment for me.  A combination of instinct and trial and error.  A multitude of mistakes by me as I navigate this thing called parenthood.  Sometimes I’m at the wheel in full control and other times I’m flying down a hill with no brakes and realize I don’t even have a steering wheel to guide me.  He stoically takes the brunt of my inexperience knowing he is only making things easier for his little sister as I learn from the mistakes I make with him.

First-born children are often described as being

• Reliable
• Conscientious
• Structured
• Cautious
• Perfectionists
• Highly motivated to achieve success
• Enjoy making others happy
• Leaders

These traits describe Brandon well.  Although he may be forgetful and unorganized at times, when it comes to the things that really matter…his responsibilities within our family, his love for his little sister, his commitment to his teammates, he is reliable and conscientious.  He has always been cautious, a deep thinker, seldom acting on impulse.  And he thrives on structure.  He has always liked to know “the plan”.  He likes things a certain way and doesn’t like to deviate from that.  He’s a homebody, feeling most himself in the comfort of our home.  Over the past couple of years, I’ve watched him grow into a leader on and off the basketball court and anyone who knows him, knows the joy he brings when he is part of your life.  He is kind, compassionate, sensitive, and loyal and he continues to make my heart melt just as he did as a baby and little boy.

When Brandon was about five, he was obsessed with trophies.  He wanted as many trophies as he could get his hands on.  He particularly fell in love with a big golf trophy my dad had won in a tournament and as most grandfathers would do, my dad gave it to him.  He displayed it proudly in his room and it was later joined by a t-ball trophy he received.  He loved his trophies.  Within the next year my dad died.  The grownups in the family decided to each choose a special memento to include in the casket with my dad when we buried him.  Each of us came up with something that represented a special moment between each of us and my dad.  On the day we were going to the family viewing and placing our articles in the casket, Brandon came into my bedroom with his t-ball trophy and asked if he could put it in Gdad’s casket.  He wanted to make him happy the way he had made him happy.

And that’s my Brandon…all summed up in one short paragraph.  So, happy birthday Brandon!  I hope you know how special you are EVERY day, but especially on this significant and meaningful day in all of our lives.  We love you and are very proud of you!

I always think THIS is the year.

The year I get all my Christmas shopping done by December 1.

The year I can then spend my December wrapping gifts that are Pinterest worthy.

The year I spend time in the kitchen baking wonderful treats with my daughter with my apron on and Christmas music playing in the background.

The year my Christmas cards are ordered in plenty of time for me to sit at my CLEAN dining room table, sipping on hot chocolate while watching the snow fall with my excel spreadsheet of addresses.

The year the whole family can’t wait to help with the decorating.

The year I’m able to resist all the wonderful food brought to work.

The year my house stays clean the whole month of December and friends come in and out, drinking wine and eating the appetizers that are always out welcoming my
visitors.

The year my husband puts up the outside lights in a timely manner while he sips on a bourbon, enjoying the fact that he can participate in this wonderful holiday and when he is done, all the lights work.

The year I finally listen to my kids and I don’t worry if each kid gets the same number of gifts and if I’ve spent the same amount on each because I don’t want anyone to think I have a “favorite”.

The year the whole family watches all the holiday classics with me.

Ok, ok…I know.  I’m living in a fantasy world.  Do you want to hear my reality?

I will still be shopping December 24 although I will swear I have everything I need way before that.

I will begin with creative wrapping and beautiful bows and get tremendously sick of wrapping and the majority of my gifts will look like my dog got a hold of them.

I won’t even walk in the kitchen except to grab some oreos from the cabinet.

I might take a Christmas card picture but no one will be able to agree on a picture and so I will just forget the whole thing.  If I do happen to get a Christmas card together, it will be so late I will be frantically tearing off return labels of Christmas cards I receive and sending them only to them because I don’t have time to look up anyone’s address. 
(And my dining room table is NEVER clean!)

No one wants to help with the decorating, including me sometimes.

I will not resist any of the yummy food brought to work.  In fact I will hide some of it to eat later.

My house will only be clean on the day the cleaners come and if anyone shows up at my door I will probably hide because I haven’t had a shower or my house is too much of a mess.

It will take my husband DAYS to put up the lights with at least 5 trips to Lowes for lights that work and then we will forget to turn them on for the entire month of
December.

I will meticulously count gifts to make sure everything is even, even if it means going out and buying something I know they don’t want just to have something wrapped.

If I turn on Frosty, everyone will leave the room and go watch TV in their bedrooms.

But this is THE year for something.  It’s the year I give up unrealistic expectations, embrace my imperfections, and plan to enjoy the good, bad, and ugly of the holiday season, because that’s what makes it memorable.  The traditions we’ve created as a family are priceless.  My kids will reluctantly help decorate but I know deep inside they kind of enjoy it.  My husband will cuss his way through the lights but will be kind of proud when we all stand outside and ooh and ahh over how pretty they look.  I will act all grumpy over having to fight the crowds for the last minute gifts but will be thrilled when I find “the perfect” gift for someone.  We all will be excited when my Bella-wrapped gifts go under the tree.  We will entertain a lot and it will be exhausting, but a happy kind of exhausting.  And if I pout enough, the family will watch “It’s A Wonderful Life” with me on Christmas Eve and maybe even be kind of glad they did.  Whether some of my holiday fantasies come true or if I just live out my reality for another year, it doesn’t matter.  All that matters is I’m surrounded by people I love and people who love me.  THAT’S the magic of Christmas.  

What makes your holidays magical?

I’ve been enjoying some “Bella Time” the past couple of months.  If you’ve ever had a lab, and especially a lab puppy, you know their energy can be quite exhausting at times.  So, on most days, I load her in my jeep and drive a mile or so down the road where my husband’s family owns about 150 acres of farm land and woods.  She can’t sit still on the way there, running from one window to the other and crying the whole time because she is so excited!  Although she is still quite crazy, we’ve come a long way from her jumping out the car window as I was going down the driveway the first time I took her!  Who knew you had to train dogs to stay in the car?!?

As soon as we get there, I open the door and she jumps out and takes off as I follow her in my jeep.  She runs through the pastures, stopping occasionally to play in a creek or swim in the pond.  She explores the woods and chases animals she smells that are long gone.  She gets so excited she can barely stand it, but is child-like in the way she never gets too far ahead, always looking back to make sure I’m with her and waiting for me when the need arises.  If we do get separated, one honk of the horn sends her swiftly back to me.  And I get to feel like a bit of a bad-ass crossing creek beds and driving places I would only feel comfortable in a 4WD.  She has gotten so attached to this time, on days I can’t take her she sits by the doors and cries and pouts.  She loves “Bella Time” as much as I do!

Along with being great exercise for Bella and some much needed quiet time for me, I’ve used this time to do what I always do…look for a lesson to take away, an experience to experience, or an “aha” moment to teach me something new.  Here are some things that have stuck with me.

Everyone should spend some time in nature.  My husband is a hunter, but he seldom shoots at anything.  One day I asked him why (which is, by the way, fine with me!)  He explained he loves to be in nature.  He loves the quiet, watching the animals, and the peace that comes along with being disconnected from the world.  It’s where he does his best thinking and feeling.  I get it now.  I get very limited phone service on this land so it’s mostly me and nature.  It’s quiet, it’s beautiful, it’s peaceful and I have seen some amazing things.  We used to spend a lot of times outdoors in our younger days and I forgot how serene it can be.  I would be remiss though in not mentioning that my idea of being in nature involves me sitting in my jeep with the air conditioning on because there are too many bugs outside and I’m scared of snakes!  But I’m still enjoying nature…just on my own terms!

It takes a very special person to stick by you through feast and famine. Normally on these adventures, the cattle are generally in the same location.  Recently the cattle were really spread out which is no fun for me because Bella is still learning not to chase them!  I called my husband and asked why they were so spread out.  He explained that when the grass is lush and in abundance, the cattle stick together.  When the grass is browning (due to our lack of rain) and there is not an abundance of food, they will go their own ways and spread out.  Obviously in the cow world, this is a necessity in order to find food, but I immediately thought about humans.  When our life is lush with an abundance of blessings and good fortune, people stick with us like glue.  When life is not so lush and we are lacking in good fortune and maybe even good choices, people scatter.  If you are lucky enough to have some of those special people in your life who stick by you in a drought, don’t let them go!

Mamas are mamas no matter the species.  I wrote in a previous blog post, Lessons from the Creek, about Bella’s run-in with a mama deer.  She has had quite a few run-ins with mama cows and it’s exactly the same reaction.  They will protect their babies with a passion that is like no other, just like we protect ours.  I discussed in the other blog post about our ability to turn from intelligent, soft-spoken women to a scarier version of the Incredible Hulk if we think our children are threatened.  I have also found that “mother instinct” to come into play with my dog!  Bella was in the woods and I heard a noise that alarmed me.  There are coyotes in the area and I got worried.  I know the likelihood of a coyote messing with her in the middle of the day is probably very slim, but I didn’t even think.  I jumped out of the jeep and was ready to take on the coyotes when Bella came trotting out of the woods.  Now, I admit I don’t know what I REALLY would have done if a coyote came trotting out after her, especially since I don’t even know what a coyote looks like, but for that moment, my adrenaline kicked in and I was ready to take some coyotes down!  I’m sure there are some people now spitting out their drink as they laugh at that last sentence, but it’s true!!  I also almost jumped in the pond to save her from (my perceived) drowning one time, but I’ll save that for another post.

A couple of more random lessons I’ve learned.  You would be extremely grossed out if you saw how many flies are on one cow.  I’m surprised they don’t all die from disease!  Also, cows poop…A LOT!  So much that I looked it up.  They can poop up to 150 lbs a day.  Disgusting, huh!  And the last random lesson I learned is no matter how hard I try to prevent it, a dog will always step in that cow poop the moment before they jump into your car!  It never fails.

Of everything I experience on these adventures though, the best thing is watching how happy it makes Bella…what could be more satisfying than that?  My daughter says I love Bella more than my kids.  Well, she IS always happy to see me, always sad to see me go, never talks back, never tires of my kisses (even in public), doesn’t know how to roll her eyes, and the only thing she wants from me is my attention and time…let’s just call it a tie!

When I was a kid, we kept ourselves busy by playing outside. There was a street light near my house that bats were drawn to.  They would fly around the light at night.  The neighborhood kids would throw rocks up in the air and watch the bats swoop down, I guess assuming the rocks were food. I was a little weary of the bats. I worried they would swoop down and land on my head so I typically just sat and watched.  One night I got brave and decided to participate.  I threw my rock high up in the air!  I watched the rock go up…and I watched the rock come back down and hit me on the side of the head!  After some blood and tears, I decided I was done with the “bat game”.

I still have a dent on the right side of my temple from that rock.  It’s probably something only I can notice, but it occasionally leads me back to my 8 or 9 year-old self
to wonder why I didn’t get out of the way.  My husband would tell you it’s because
I was gifted with plenty of smarts but not a lick of sense.  He’s probably right, I am lacking in the common sense department at times, but I also think it might have been an indicator of things to come.

You see, just like that child stood and watched the rock hit her smack on the side of the head, this adult sometimes stands and allows hurtful people and situations to plow me over, with never even an attempt to get out of the way.  And just like I was the person who threw the rock that hit me, I think most of my painful situations have been self-inflicted as well.  
 
So how DO we “get out of the way”?  Here are some of the things I'm working on...

Stop surrounding yourself with people who bring you down.  Stay away from friends who judge you and make you feel bad about yourself and relationships that leave you feeling sad, rejected, and lonely.   Surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you.  Friends who support you and make you smile.  People you can be your authentic self with, not a mask of who you think they want you to be.  When I started doing this, my circle of friends dwindled, but I became a much happier person in the process.

Stop putting yourself in situations you know will lead to unhappiness.  Do things that make you happy… even if those things aren’t popular with your friends.  Doing things you truly enjoy will connect you with people with similar interests and you will be surprised how many people out there may have a hidden passion for the same things you do.  Writing a blog such as this is not something I have in common with many
people.  I knew I might not get a lot of support for it, but it has connected me with some of the most amazing people who write me privately about their struggles.  My writing is not for everyone, but for those who “get me” I cannot say thank you enough for your camaraderie.

Be you own best friend. Get to know yourself.  Learn to be comfortable spending time alone.  I spent more time by myself this summer than I ever have.  It was a blessing.  There was a time I would have not been comfortable doing that.  I always felt like I had to “fill” my time and try to keep up with the fun I thought everyone else was having.  For the first time in a long time, I’m comfortable in my own skin and I like being with me.

Let go of what you can’t control.  Just let it go.  It’s heavy and it’s weighing you down.  Hand it over to a higher power or decide you will revisit it some other time, but for now, set it down and continue the journey without it.  This is probably the hardest for me, but I’m making baby steps and so can you.

Stay positive and count your blessings.  There is always something to be thankful for, even if it’s just growing old…many don’t have that privilege.   Don’t take life so seriously.  That’s my goal this year…to put more fun in my life, especially at work.  Keep the focus on what’s good in your life and that will help you stay on the path of positivity.

What do you do to “get out of the way”?  Are some of the painful situations in your life “self-inflicted”?  I would love to hear your story!

I have this “friend”. I tell her everything.  Recently though, I’m realizing she is not a very good friend.  In fact, she’s the worst friend I have.  Here is a sampling of some of our conversations…

Me:  I lost a pound this week.
Friend:  A pound?  Seriously? You’ve been drinking spinach like someone is paying you by the leaf and getting up at some ungodly hour every morning to work out and you only lost one pound???  That sucks!  I’d give up on that!

Me:  I forgot the one paper I needed for my meeting today.
Friend:  How can you be so stupid and forget that?!
 
Me:  Catie didn’t have what she needed clean for volleyball this morning. I feel bad.
Friend:  You should feel bad!  You are lazy and unorganized and you really need to figure out how to get your shit together!!  Other working parents get it done…why can’t you?

Me:  How do I look? (after getting ready for an evening out)
Friend:  Tired and old.  The 40’s have seriously not been kind to you.  I’d ask for a do-over.
 
I know what you’re thinking.  You are thinking why in the world would I have a friend like this and why would I ever let someone speak to me this way.  I’m wondering the same thing.

The saddest part of this story is that this “friend” is me.

If you follow LimitlessLessons on Facebook you know I post a lot of quotes.  Some have a very personal meaning to me, others I just love the message, while a handful stick with me and speak to me in a very profound way. This one stuck with me…

It’s a simple quote but I couldn’t get it out of my head.  As those who know me are well aware, I think A LOT.  I have been known to create stories in my head that could win an Academy Award.  I tend to think I know what others are thinking and feeling when in reality I have no idea.  I have a hard time having relationships with people who don’t communicate well because if you don’t tell me what you are thinking or feeling, I’ll just make it up in my own head.

I’ve actually gotten much better about this, but what I have not gotten better about, is how I talk to myself.  I would never tolerate anyone else talking to me the way I talk to myself sometimes.  If someone spoke to my child or mother or best friend the way I speak to myself, I’d be outraged.  So why is it ok for us to treat ourselves in ways we would never allow others to treat us?

It’s not.  And I know I’m not alone out there.
 
Throughout the day, our thoughts race at a hundred miles an hour, jumping uncontrollably from one self-diminishing thought to the next without consciously registering as such. If someone else was to put us down, our senses would immediately awaken and we would probably defend ourselves. However, there is no such self-defense mechanism with negative self-talk. All this negativity is blindly absorbed and becomes that much more toxic to our lives and particularly the relationship we have with ourselves.

What are the unsupportive thoughts you hear playing on repeat in your mind right now?  What self-defeating, abusive and limiting statement is your brain trying to convince you (or have convinced you) to be true?  Here are some of the more common ones…

I’m not good enough.
I’m ugly.
I’m too fat/tall/short/young/old.
I’m stupid.
He/she’ll never love me.
I am not lovable.
I am a bad parent.
I am a horrible person.
There is something wrong with me.
I never have enough time.
I don’t deserve …
I can’t …

Again, Don’t believe everything you think.

So how do we change this?  The first step is to be aware…really pay attention to the internal voice you communicate with.  Take note of every time you say something negative to yourself. I think you’ll be surprised how often it is.  Next, start to counter those thoughts with the reverence you would give your best friend. Speak to yourself
with kindness and love.  Be the kind of friend to yourself you want others to be to you. 
Remember, you teach others how to treat you so treat yourself with all the respect, love, and compassion you deserve!  If you don’t, who will?