I was reading something the other day and the article ended with this question…

Are you living or simply existing?

Of course I’m living I thought.   To not be living would mean I don’t love my life and of course I love my life.  End of story.  But, as many things do, it left me thinking.  How do we know if we are merely existing?

Dr. Phil says existing is instinctual; it is involuntary, reactive self-preservation, with the primary goal of just getting from one day to the next without regard to quality. Living, on the other hand, is the exercise of certain learned skills, attitudes, and abilities that you have acquired and honed to a sharp and focused edge.  Living is waking up excited each day and looking forward to the known and unknown the day may bring.

A large component of simply existing is fear.  Fear of making a change, fear of the unknown, fear the grass is not greener.  Because of this fear, we do the same boring routine every day, we stay in dead-end jobs we don’t enjoy, we stay in toxic relationships that are no good for us, and we put off our dreams.  To change feels too hard and too scary.  We settle and make excuses to not live the life we truly want to lead.

Kimanzi Constable published a book called Are You Living or Existing? 9 Steps to Change Your Life.  He explains the difference between living and existing this way…

“The difference is realization, attitude and action. You start by realizing that time is one resource we’ll never get back, so we can’t afford to waste it doing things that won’t better our life. Then have the right attitude towards everything you do, viewing opportunities as a blessing and not another task on your to do list. Action means not wasting your life away watching the latest prime time shows. It means getting out and creating amazing experiences. At the end of your life you won’t remember all of the stuff you got or shows you watched. You’ll remember incredible experiences and times you impacted the lives of others.”

So how would you even know if you’re someone who exists or lives? Steve Jobs did something that could provide some guidance. Apparently he used to wake up each morning, look at himself in the mirror and ask himself the same question, “If I was to die today, would I do what I am about to do?” If his answer was no too many days in a row, he would make a change.  I think this is a good starting point for figuring out if you’re just settling for mediocrity. If you’re not getting excited or happy most days with what you’re going to do, you may need to take action and change something. This goes for every area of your life.

After being brutally honest with myself, I had to admit, although I’ve done my share of living, I’ve also done my share of existing.  I decided that needed to change.  But where to start?  It felt right to start from Constable’s explanation of living…realization, attitude, and action.

I decided the first step was to take control of my life…to be fully responsible and accountable for my own happiness.  It is not the job of my co-workers, husband, children or friends to make my life meaningful, it is mine.  I decided to stop being a spectator to my life and instead, fully participate in each day.  At 45 my life is probably more than half way over and any time spent existing is just not acceptable anymore.  Time is precious and I don’t want to waste another minute.

Secondly, my attitude has to change.  I must begin to count my blessings and not my problems.  I must begin to see obstacles as opportunities.  Most importantly for me, I must stop my perfectionist ways.  I have to learn to be ok with failure and not be afraid to try new things.  I also have to accept the fact that living life to its fullest is not a destination, it’s a journey.  A journey I will be on for the rest of my life.  This step will be a work in progress for me and probably the hardest step of all.  The idea of change brings me much anxiety!

Finally, I must act.  I’m a great planner and a not-so-good follow througher.  I decided to really think about what I feel passionate about in life, what I enjoy doing, and what makes me feel good about myself?  I’m embarrassed to admit how difficult it was to identify things I feel passionate about or enjoy doing.  I’ve never been a big “hobby” person and my life has revolved so much around my kids the past 17 years, I realize I’ve sort of  lost myself along the way.  I am realistic enough to know I’m not ready for huge changes immediately so I’ve outlined some baby steps for myself in all areas of my life to push myself in the right direction. I had to take a deep breath and dig deep, but I’m excited about some of the possibilities I’m investigating.  Remember, even small steps can lead to big possibilities!

How about you?  Do you need to take this journey with me?  Do you find yourself simply existing more days than you are really living?  Or are you someone who lives life to the fullest and wakes up excited for what each day holds?  Either way, I’d love to hear your story!

I love to express myself through writing.  Although I’m articulate and I have no problem talking to people, I tend to be very reactive. I speak without thinking through my thoughts. 
This can lead to some regrets and a number of embarrassing moments because I can say some pretty stupid stuff!  Writing gives me a chance to ponder my thoughts, to read them through someone else’s eyes, to do on paper what my mind can’t seem to do…to slow down.

I’ve been writing this blog for 5 months now.  I started this blog for various reasons…to share some things I’ve learned through my counseling background and my own life experiences, to see if I like writing as much as I think I do, to challenge myself by doing something totally out of my comfort zone, to test if it was something I would stick with and not give up on, to open up doors with the possibility writing might be part of a
career for me one day, and mainly because I enjoy it.  What I write about isn’t everyone’s cup of tea and each time I post something I debate if I should keep doing this.  Something keeps me at it though.  I often get writer’s block.  Not because I don’t have something to say (I always do!) but because I also decided to stay away from topics that are too personal, too controversial, too heavy. I told myself this was
because I wasn’t ready for the criticism and judgment that comes along with
plunging into topics like these.  But it wasn’t until I started reading a book by Brene Brown called Daring Greatly that I understood the real reason I don’t delve into these hard topics.  I don’t want to be vulnerable.  Not just in this blog, but in life.  

Vulnerable is defined as capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt; capable of being physically or emotionally wounded.  As I write that even I’m thinking…well who in the world WOULD want to be vulnerable?  Brown explains in her book how vulnerability is both the core of difficult emotions like fear, grief, and disappointment and the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, empathy, innovation, and creativity.  She explains that when we shut ourselves off from vulnerability, we distance ourselves from the experiences that bring purpose and meaning to our lives.

I want to share an excerpt of the introductory of her book.  It was one of those “aha” moments for me.  I reread it many times hoping her words would seep into my pores.  I find them extremely powerful.  I hope you will too.

Taken from Daring Greatly by Brene Brown:

The phrase Daring Greatly is from Theodore Roosevelt’s speech “Citizenship in a Republic.”  The speech, sometimes referred to as “The Man in the Arena” was delivered at the Sorbonne in Paris, France on April 23, 1910.  This is the passage that made the speech famous.

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause;

Who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly…”

Dr. Brown continues with her thoughts.

The first time I read this quote, I thought, this is vulnerability. Everything I’ve learned from over a decade of research on vulnerability has taught me this exact lesson.  Vulnerability is not knowing victory or defeat, it’s understanding the necessity of both; it’s engaging.  It’s being all in.

Vulnerability is not a weakness, and the uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure we face every day are not optional.  Our only choice is question of engagement.  Our
willingness to own and engage with our vulnerability determines the depth of our
courage and clarity of our purpose; the level to which we protect ourselves from being vulnerable is a measure of our fear and disconnect.

When we spend our lives waiting until we’re perfect or bulletproof before we walk into the arena, we ultimately sacrifice relationship and opportunities that may not be recoverable, we squander our precious time, and we turn our backs on our gifts, those unique contributions that only we can make.

Perfect and bulletproof are seductive, but they don’t exist in the human experience.  We must walk into the arena, whatever it may be – a new relationship, an important meeting, our creative process, or a difficult family conversation – with courage and willingness to engage.  Rather than sitting on the sidelines and hurling judgment and advice, we must dare to show up and let ourselves be seen.  This is vulnerability.  This is daring greatly.

And this is just the first page!  So this is my new motto…I’m daring greatly!  I’m not sure exactly what that’s going to look like, but I have a few ideas. There are some arenas I need to walk into and some places I need to dare to show up.  I need to realize
fear is not going to protect me and perfection is unattainable.  I need to be vulnerable.

If you liked this post, go get her book.  I ordered it through Amazon but I’m sure it’s in any bookstore.  She has also given two TED talks and I’ve attached them here if you want to hear more.  And if you get the book and you want to discuss it through an informal book club, let me know and I’ll set one up on my blog.

I was part of a conversation recently where I overheard a lady telling someone else how she wished all sports would be banned from schools.  She felt too much emphasis was placed on sports, and not enough on academics.  She wasn’t talking directly to me so I decided to stay quiet.  But, I get it.  The accolades for athletic accomplishments far exceed the accolades for academic accomplishments.  We have sports sections in the newspaper and sports segments on the local news, but very little concerning the academic achievements of our youth.  Parents will sit in the freezing rain for hours to watch their child play sports, but won’t show up for a 15 minute parent-teacher conference.  Parents will argue profusely with a referee on a call they deem to be unfair, or make a multitude of calls to a coach if they believe their child is receiving unfair playing time, but have no interest in the unfairness of teacher pay, budget cuts, or the overall direction our education system is headed.  It’s a family affair to show up to watch our kids play sports, but how many of us bring our families to school-sponsored events that are not athletic in nature.  I’ve worried about the mixed signals I’ve sent my own kids at time.  Do my actions tell them I value their achievement in academics more than their participation in sports?  Our country certainly isn’t telling them this when the average NFL player makes a median salary of $770,000 while a teacher’s median salary is $52,000.  Like I said, I get it.

But now for the flip side from someone whose kids play A LOT of sports.  My kids are learning some crucial life lessons from their participation in sports and I couldn’t be more proud.  There were so many, I really struggled narrowing my list from 15 or 20, but here are my top 5! (in no particular order)

1.        Understanding commitment – My kids love playing sports, but there are days they really don’t want to go to practice.  But they do…because they’ve made a commitment.  They know their team is counting on them and they don’t want to let them down.  It’s their responsibility to contact their coaches if they have to miss a practice or need to be late, just like it will be their responsibility once they get a job.  Sports have taught them once you commit to something you follow through on that commitment because others are depending on you.

2.       Overcoming obstacles and perseverance – Life is going to throw us obstacles at every turn.  I certainly can’t prepare my kids for every one of them, but sports have taught them how to work through many.  They’ve dealt with getting cut from teams, lower than hoped for playing time, difficult teammates, questionable coaching, bad calls from refs, injuries, unsportsmanlike behavior (teammates AND parents), and playing through illness.  They are learning you get out of life what you put in it.  Nothing is handed to you, you must earn it.  And in order to earn it, you must never give up.  Effort equals results.

3.       Defining success – Sports are showing my kids there are many ways to define success.  Of course, wins and losses are one way, but I’ve watched my kids come home disappointed after a great win because they were not pleased with their personal performance, or on the other hand, be ok with a loss because they knew they played their best.  Success in life can be defined in many ways as well, but they are learning that doing your personal best, always equals a personal success.

4.       Teamwork and a focus on what you can control – Sports provide an opportunity for kids to learn to take turns and cooperate with teammates to achieve goals…even teammates they don’t like.  This holds true for the rest of your life.  You are going to have to work with people you don’t like, but still get the job done.  As kids learn their role on the court or field, this translates into the working world where you must understand your role within an organization in order to be most effective and efficient.  In life and sports, there is a lot of uncertainty.  You can control your attitude and effort, but you can’t control the refs, how your teammates are playing, or the coaches’ decisions.  Sports are teaching them to stay focused on THEIR effort, not on the outcome and let go of what they can’t control.  They make mistakes, but as athletes, they are learning to acknowledge their mistake, learn from it, then quickly brush it off and put it in the past so they can be mentally ready for the next game.

5.       Everyone has something different to offer/respect – In team sports, it’s rare that one person can perform every task well.  Different members of the team have different strengths and weaknesses.  Sports are teaching them to appreciate these differences and the importance of respecting what all people contribute to a game.  My kids have made friends with a diverse group of people they would have never had an opportunity to meet without sports in their life.  They also are learning how to be humble winners and gracious losers…a skill that will take them far in life.

Many people have questioned my decision to allow my kids to participate in so many sports.  They express concern for the limited amount of free time the kids have, the money and time we have spent on traveling on the weekends, and the lack of “family time” we have.  But it has been, without a doubt, the right decision for our family.  My kids stay naturally fit and healthy, they have stayed out of trouble (so far), and it’s something our family enjoys doing together.  Games are a family affair with grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.  Some of our best memories have been the four of us squeezed in a hotel room.  And then, of course, all the above mentioned lessons they are learning.  With all that said, I’m well aware that it’s their academics that will solidify their future and be the deciding factor on where they go to college.  So I will continue to try and find a balance for both their academic and athletic achievements.  I’ll still be the pacing mom up in the stands that can’t stand to watch when games get close and the pain-in-the butt mom checking their grades on the computer on a weekly basis. And I’ll continue to be extremely proud.  Not only of their report card or their starting position on a team, but proud of the amazing human beings they both are…on AND off the court.

Gratitude is defined as an emotion expressing appreciation for what one has.  Studies show that people who count their blessings rather than count their problems, increase their level of happiness and well being.  Focusing on what’s good in our day is shown to strengthen relationships, improve health, and reduce stress. 

I feel very blessed in my own life and I TRY to be thankful each day.  Over the years I’ve kept a gratitude journal and although have not used it consistently, I’ve tried to be intentional about focusing on the positive aspects to my day.  Some years I’ve done better than others.  Keeping a journal is just one way to practice gratitude, because like most emotions, it’s similar to a muscle.  The more you use it, the stronger it becomes.

Here’s an example of what I wrote in my journal yesterday.  I try and be specific to the day rather than just writing “kids, health, shelter, etc.” but whatever works for you.

1.        My daughter had a minor surgery yesterday on her mouth.  Although minor, I always get nervous when my kids get put to sleep, so I was very thankful she got through the surgery with no complications.

2.       While Catie was in her surgery, I sat outside in the sunlight rather than sitting in the waiting room.  The surgery took a little over an hour so I was out there for a while.  There was no place to sit so I just sat on the sidewalk next to the parking lot.  While I was there, two people stopped to check on me.  A man stopped the first time and asked if I was ok.  He said his son was worried I had fallen or was sick.  I explained I was just waiting on my daughter to come out of surgery and I was fine.  A bit later, a woman stopped and asked if I needed a ride or to use her phone.  Again, I explained I was fine.  But I was very thankful for kind people who aren’t embarrassed or afraid to stop and check on someone.

3.       After we got home from the surgery and I got Catie settled in to sleep for a while, I set up a chair outside and got to sit quietly in the sun for a whole hour.  I brought my headphones out to listen to music but once I got there, I just wanted quiet.  I felt the sun on my face, listened to the birds, rubbed Bella’s belly and was very grateful for that uninterrupted hour of absolutely nothing.

4.       I was thankful for the amazing dinner my husband fixed for us and the fact he also cleaned up afterwards because I wasn’t feeling great.

5.       I was thankful for the 30 minutes the kids and I were piled on my bed with old pictures laughing and reminiscing about them as babies and toddlers.

Most of us are pretty good about FEELING blessed, but are we as good about SPEAKING of our gratitude.  This is where I fall short.  I am thankful and appreciative for so many people in my life, but I seldom take the time to tell them.  Last year I started mailing a handwritten note or card once a week to someone, telling them thank you for something they had done for me or just letting them know I appreciated their friendship or was thinking of them.  It could be a friend, a family member, or a co-worker.  I was amazed how much it meant to people.  I got the sweetest responses!  One friend even told me she kept my card in her purse and she looked at it often.  For some reason, I stopped doing this, but I’m committed to begin again. 

I have a good friend who may not be as good at counting her own blessings, but she does a phenomenal job of speaking of her gratitude of others.  She is always writing a thank you card, or buying someone a small token of appreciation for something they helped her with.  Every time she does it, I think “why didn’t I think of that?!”  So, I decided to spend the last few days, not just being thankful, but SPEAKING of my gratitude.  Instead of just feeling thankful for Catie’s successful surgery, I wrote the doctor’s office a thank you note.  I sent my husband a random text telling him how much I appreciate how hard he works to support our family.  I feel this way, but I never tell him.  I called an old friend and left a long message letting her know how much her friendship meant to me during the death of my dad.  I told my son how much I appreciate the effort he is putting into school these days, and just this morning told my daughter how grateful I was for the smoothie she made me (and she even used skim milk knowing I was trying to be healthier!)  I sent a coworker an email thanking her for all her help at work and I went out of my way to tell a student how much I appreciate the smile she gives me every single day.

The result…it works!  I read somewhere that expression of gratitude to others increases levels of energy, optimism and empathy and I believe it.  The sincere, heartfelt responses I got from those who I showed my gratitude to, made it all worth it.  So, thank YOU for reading my blog and for those of you who are brave enough to comment or share it with others.  I sincerely appreciate it.  YOU will be in my journal tonight as my number one thing to be grateful for today.  I would love to hear about the ways you speak of your gratitude!  Remember, even on a bad day, there is always something to be thankful for!

I celebrated a birthday last month.  My friends and family spoiled me as usual, but my favorite gift this year is the one I gave myself…yoga classes.  I have taken a class here and there and never really wanted to go back.  This time is different.  My instructor, Tone, is the best.  He is calm and encouraging and has a great sense of humor.  The people I take it with are pretty amazing too! I haven’t just penciled this onto my busy calendar, I’ve written it in sharpie!   And if you know me, you know exercise has NEVER been “sharpie-worthy”!

From the short time I’ve been going, I’ve listened to Tone’s instructions during our class and feel like I am also getting a lesson in life.  So here are 5 life lessons that yoga has already taught this beginner.

1.        “Remember to breath.”  This sounds simple, but you’d be surprised!  As we are doing different poses, Tone will remind us to breath and I realize I’m holding my breath.  I’ve noticed I do that a lot.  I hold my breath when I’m scared or angry or uncomfortable.  I tend to get worked up over stuff.  I’ve even been known to make mountains out of molehills.  It’s something I’ve been working on.  When this happens, I tell myself, “Remember to breath.”  Is this going to matter in a year?  A month?  Even a day?  Do you have any control over it?  Is this personal, or just a fact of life?  One deep breath gives you about 60 seconds to calm down.  This is sometimes all you need to think clearly.  So next time you start to feel that tension invade your body, remember to breath…or as our school nurse tells our students, “Smell the roses and blow out the candles!”

2.       “When you start to feel uncomfortable, where does your mind go and how do you react?”   Of course Tone is talking about yoga poses, but isn’t this relevant in our daily lives?  It’s time to take an inventory of our defense mechanisms.  What do you do when you are in an uncomfortable/stressful situation?  Do you become defensive?   Withdraw?  Go into denial?  Make a joke?  Do you give up?  I have done all of these things at one time or another.  I do know that wherever my mind and thoughts go, my actions tend to follow.  So start with your mind, because as Willie Nelson said, “Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you’ll start having positive results.”

3.       “You are as strong as the foundation holding you up.”  This could be interpreted in a number of ways, but it spoke to me like this.  I constantly doubt my strength or give others credit for making me strong.  Even though there may be others helping you or supporting you, true strength only comes from within and you are stronger than you believe all on your own!

4.       “It’s not about the accomplishment, it’s about being accepting of where you’re at.”  I love this one.  I’m not trying to say that accomplishments are not important.  We set goals on a daily basis.  We want to win games, receive awards, finish projects, get raises, and lose that last 10 pounds.  But sometimes (and I believe more times than not), it’s more about being ok with where you are in the moment.  It’s ok to plan for the new dress and new attitude once you lose those 10 pounds, but it’s more important to accept yourself at every pound in between.  I need to work on this one.  I am an all or nothing kind of girl.  If I can’t do it well, I’m just not going to do it.  Something else for my “to work on” list!

5.       “Relax.  Trust that the foundation under you will hold you and the world won’t end because you took a few minutes to yourself.”  Powerful.  As important as we think we are, the world really won’t end if we do something for ourselves once in a while.  As moms, I think we are especially guilty of this.  We let guilt play mind games with us and we think the household can’t function without us.  It can and it will.  So take a few minutes to yourself…you deserve it.  Because in the end, we all know, if Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!

Namaste.