The kids and I went to breakfast the other morning.  I invited them to play a game with me I had seen on Facebook.  Everyone puts their phone in the middle of the table and the first one to look at it has to pay the bill.  Unfortunately, but not surprisingly, my kids had no money so we decided whoever lost would have to clean the others’ room.  The game would end when the waitress delivered the bill.

The kids were hesitant, but agreed.  It was a nice meal.  We talked, we read the paper together, we enjoyed our meal, and we all made it to the end.  When the bill arrived though, there was a mad dash for our phones.  No one spoke for a good five minutes.  There were missed calls and text messages to check, tweets to read, pictures to look at, and status updates to like.  I looked around and said, “What is wrong with us?!?”  My daughter glanced up from her phone, “It’s FOMO, Mom.”

FOMO…Fear Of Missing Out.  What exactly are we so scared we are missing?  Is what’s on the phone screen truly more important than the flesh and blood person sitting across from you?

Don’t get me wrong, I love technology as much as the next person.  As a parent, I love the accessibility it gives me to my kids and the small peek into their lives it allows me.  It also scares the hell out of me.

Kids these days ARE missing out.  They are missing out on pulling a 20 foot phone cord into your room to talk on the phone for 3-4 hours.  They send a text instead.  They are missing out on sleepovers where your night centered around the excitement of seeing the new music video on MTV and countless calls to the radio station to request your favorite song.  They have YouTube and iTunes for that.  They are missing evenings of kick the can and capture the flag.  They are pinning on Pinterest and tweeting on Twitter instead.  As a society we are missing out as well.  We are missing the art of real conversation and the skill of being a good listener.  We are missing the ability to write a letter or even a paragraph using correct grammar and appropriate punctuation.  We are missing patience because we expect instant results and gratification for everything we do in life.  We are missing quiet and peaceful moments because we are always “connected”.  We are missing our privacy because everything we do can now be recorded, reported, or announced on some kind of social media.

Being a teenager has always been hard.  I believe being a teenager in today’s world is infinitely harder.  We were all left out at one time or another as a kid, but at least we didn’t have to see pictures of all the fun our friends had in our absence.  We all had break-ups and heart breaks, but we didn’t have to witness the new relationship our ex is having unfold through Facebook, Instagram and Twitter.  We all felt depressed at one time or another without the constant comparison of our lives to the status updates our “perfect” friends share about their “perfect” lives.  Learning how to drive and navigate a loud radio and even louder friends was scary enough without throwing cell phones into the mix.  We did stupid stuff teenagers do and the only witness was the friend that was with us.  Now someone secretly records your stupid mistake and its got a thousand hits on YouTube before you even wake up in the morning.  Pictures can be sent that can never, ever be retrieved and deleted and words can be said behind a computer screen that can never be taken back.  That’s a lot of pressure.

I’m making a commitment to “disconnect” a bit.  And I won’t lie, the thought brings me some anxiety.  I’m stepping away from my new iPhone and I’m going to try and remember what I did before I had one.  So if I don’t answer your call right away, return that text, or miss an important announcement on Facebook, it’s not personal.  I’m trying to rid myself of FOMO.  Who’s in?

My daughter can’t wait for summer.  My son can’t wait to get his license.  I can’t wait for the puppy to stop being a “puppy”, and my husband can’t wait for all of it!  Upon reflection, we spend a lot of time waiting.

We can’t wait to get to high school, we can’t wait to drive, we can’t wait to have a girl/boyfriend, we can’t wait to graduate, we can’t wait to go to college, we can’t wait to turn 21, we can’t wait to live on our own, we can’t wait to get married, we can’t wait to have a baby, we can’t wait for the baby to be out of diapers, we can’t wait for the toddler to go to school so we don’t have those daycare payments anymore, we can’t wait until we have more money, we can’t wait until we have more time, and we can’t wait to retire.

We wait to use our good china for something really special, we wait to buy that amazing gift we know they would love until a holiday rolls around, we wait to take that trip with our spouse until the kids are gone, we wait to get a puppy until we are not so busy, we wait to splurge on nice sheets for the bed until the ones we have are ripped and torn, we wait to find a job we really love until we lose the one we have , we wait to call our parents until we have more time, we wait to invite friends over until the house is spotless, and we wait to tell someone how much they mean to us until it’s too late.

We are always waiting for the next milestone, the next big thing that’s going to make our lives better, easier and more exciting.  We believe that once we reach that next big thing, we will finally be happy.  Sadly, most of us realize too late that true happiness comes from all the little stuff in between all the big “can’t waits”.  The unexpected hug my daughter gave me this morning, the sincere thank you my son whispered to me after I had done something for him, the phone call from my husband to check on me, and the puppy licking the tears from my face.  We are also waiting on the "right time".  Waiting for the perfect circumstances to  do "that thing" that we are waiting to do! 

Many years ago when my parents’ 40th anniversary was rolling around, my siblings and I talked about throwing them a big party.  We kept discussing if we should just “wait” until their 50th anniversary since that was a bigger milestone than 40.  Ultimately, we decided that we didn’t want to wait and we had the most amazing surprise anniversary party.  We created a wedding reception for them.  My mom’s wedding picture was on display, we had a DJ, they danced to their song and we dedicated a song to them from the kids that we all danced to.  We had food, a bar, a wedding cake and toasts.  The entire family was there and all of their friends from through the years.  We made so many memories that night.  Within three years of that magical night, my father was diagnosed with cancer and died.  Thank God we didn’t wait.

Don’t you wait either.  Life is happening today and none of us are promised tomorrow.  All that waiting is getting in the way of living.  Get out the china, buy yourself new sheets, call your mom, have a party, and tell someone you love them.  It can’t wait.

You finally find the courage to confide in someone.  You explain how sad you feel, how lonely you are in a room full of people, how overwhelmed you’ve become.  And the response?  What do YOU have to be depressed about?!?  So the depression deepens and the isolation grows because they are right.  You have a great life…healthy kids, a loving husband, a good job, money to put food on the table and take care of your kids…what DO you have to be depressed about? 

Well stop.  Depression is not a choice.  Just like cancer, depression does not discriminate.  It doesn’t matter how many friends you have, how rich you are, how beautiful/skinny you are, how great your kids are, or what kind of job you have.  It’s just there.  An uninvited guest that can show up anytime, anywhere.  You become a prisoner in your own head, unable to escape the thoughts of helplessness and hopelessness and feeling guilty because you know others have it worse than you.  You are not alone, you are not crazy, and most importantly, it’s not your fault. 

Most experts are still not sure what causes depression but it seems to be caused by a combination of factors, such as the person's genes, his biochemical environment, his personal experience and psychological factors.  An article in medicalnewstoday.com states that an MRI has shown that the brain of a person with depression looks different, compared to the brain of a person who has never had depression. The areas of the brain that deal with thinking, sleep, mood, appetite and behavior do not appear to function normally. There are also indications that neurotransmitters appear to be out of balance. Neurotransmitters are chemicals that our brain cells use to communicate. However, imaging technology has not revealed why the depression happened. We know that if there is depression in the family a person's chances of developing depression are higher. This suggests there is a genetic link. According to geneticists, depression risk is influenced by multiple genes acting together with environmental and others factors.

All of us get sad.  Many of us experience “situational depression”, meaning we might go through a period of sadness when we experience something awful.  Some of us might even have SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder).  This is when a person develops a depressive illness during the winter months but the symptoms go away during spring and/or summer.  Some of us may have experienced postpartum depression after the birth of a baby. And some of us have a daily battle with depression, no matter what the circumstances.

I am not a doctor and certainly no expert on the facts surrounding depression.  There are plenty of places you can read all about the symptoms and treatment for depression (and you should…it is one of the most treatable illnesses!)  I am writing as someone who overheard the above conversation and it broke my heart.  I am writing as someone who has experienced mild depression (mostly situational and SAD) and someone who has friends experiencing depression.  I am also writing as a professional who is seeing more and more anxiety and depression and seeing it in kids as young as kindergarten (I’ll save that for another post!)  If you are experiencing depression, find a friend who will listen and not judge.  Don’t isolate yourself and don’t feel guilty.  Treat your depression as you would a physical impairment…talk to your doctor and get treatment.  There is nothing to be embarrassed about.  If you don’t know where to go for help, email me.  I can steer you in the right direction.  You are not alone.

I was frustrated.  I had been on the phone with technical support trying to get my computer fixed for over three hours.  Nothing was fixed.  I had grand plans on this snow day to accomplish much on my to-do list and I had done nothing.  The snow was beginning to fall harder and the picture in my head of a clean house, sipping hot chocolate while I watch a chick flick, was slowly but surely slipping away.  My 16 year-old son asked to be taken to the rec center to play basketball.  I was irritated.  Why does he need to go somewhere?  Why do I have to take him?  Why does no one think any more of me than to be their taxi driver?  I hate driving in the snow and I hate being a passenger driving in the snow even more while my son learns how to drive!  Needless to say, my son picked up on my mood.  He looked at me and said, “you’re going to miss this one day”.  I stared at my little boy who is no longer little and those 7 words hit hard.  He was right.  I know that…I already am.  

I’m missing my babies; the smell of their skin after a bath, the first smile and first giggle, their tiny hands and feet, watching my husband swaddle them and sleep with them on his chest, rocking them for hours, singing songs, and wet baby kisses.  I’m missing my toddlers; cuddling in the bed, The Land Before Time movies, the first time they saw the ocean and tried to swim, big hugs, boo-boos that only mommy can fix, first friends, and bedtime stories.  I’m missing my elementary-aged kids; kindergarten soccer, buttered noodles, music programs, class parties, the excitement of our trip to Disney World, believing in Santa Clause, trick or treating, the tooth fairy, endless hours at the pool and memorable birthday parties.  I’m about to miss my middle school kids as my daughter will finish 8th grade this year; the budding athletes they became, the friends they became inseparable with, our mandatory summer vacations and family dinners, homework, travel soccer, and their budding independence.  And I know what I’m getting ready to miss before I can even blink; rare conversations in the car as I taxi them around (my son gets his license in April), my weekdays and weekends full of basketball games, volleyball matches, and soccer tournaments, a messy house, dances, dates, school shopping, no food in the house, someone yelling “mom” all the time, loads of laundry, a house full of kids, and graduations of all sorts.  I’m not ready but I know I will be ok when the time comes because your children are ALWAYS your children and you never stop being a parent. 

The ending to this story is even hard for me to belive, but it’s true.  My son started up the car to drive to the rec center after his seven word response to my mood, and on the radio was playing Trace Adkins’ You’re Going to Miss This.  My son and I stared at each other for a moment.  I said, “Did you plan that?”  He said “No, but that is really weird.”  A new attitude was born for me in that moment and I hear that song playing in my head when it counts the most.  Take a listen and see if it hits home for you as well…

I was talking with a student about her fear she would never fit in.  I told her I understood how important this is at her age, but to remember God made us each unique and special so we would STAND OUT, not FIT IN.  As she left my office, I thought… who am I kidding?  It’s not just 5th graders who feel this way…it’s also 40ish year old counselors who know better!  During the first four decades of my life, a lot of time has been spent trying to “fit in” and striving to live up to other’s expectations.  No one asked me to do this, it was all me.

Being true to yourself is harder than it sounds, for you must know yourself and like yourself before you can be true to yourself.  I’m embarrassed to admit it’s only been in the past couple of years that I’ve really tried to get to know myself, to be my own friend, and to give myself a break.  Taking a step back from any societal or individual expectations and trying not to think about what’s considered “cool”, or what relationships I might lose in the process, I am slowly becoming comfortable in my own skin.

Do you read Us Weekly?  If you do, you are familiar the section “25 Things You Don’t Know About Me” where celebrities share 25 interesting facts about themselves.  So to celebrate my budding friendship with myself and my own commitment to stand out rather than fit in, here is my version…

25 Things You Don’t Know About Me (and some I didn’t even know!)

1.        Wine is wine to me.  When you ask me if I bought it for the “oaky” taste or the “hint of pepper”, I have no idea what you are talking about.  I bought it because I thought the name was cool or I loved the color of the bottle!

2.       I hate to run.  It’s not only painful on my body, but it’s painful for anyone who has to witness me do it.  So, I’m just going to stick to my wimpy walks and leave the running to you.

3.       As a consequence of #2, I will probably never be “bikini ready” again…I’m ok with that too.

4.       I am a huge advocate of women’s rights but I love the fact my husband takes such good care of me.

5.       I like to be alone.  In fact I prefer it sometimes.  I’m not depressed, I’m not mad at you and nothing is wrong, I just need my quiet time.

6.       I have never pulled out my refrigerator and cleaned under it, so come to my kitchen at your own risk!

7.       If I could wear jeans, a t-shirt and a baseball hat every day, I would.

8.       I sincerely believe I was a cowgirl in a previous life…or at least married to a cowboy!

9.       I rarely cook so if I bring a homemade meal to your potluck, my sweet husband probably made it.

10.   I love karaoke.

11.   My proudest accomplishment is the amazing young adults my children are becoming, but that doesn’t mean I will listen to you gossip about other kids.  I am well aware my children are one night of poor judgment, one stupid mistake, and one bad choice away from being the center of your gossip.

12.   I am in a bowling league…and I like it.

13.   Generally, the only sports I like to watch are the ones my kids are playing.  And that is my favorite thing to do.

14.   There is not a crafty bone in my body.  I can think of the ideas, but someone else will have to implement them.

15.   I pray every day.

16.   I also get teary-eyed over something every day.

17.   I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.

18.   Although no one likes to get older, I think we need to embrace the beauty of our age.  When you are in your 40's/50's and you are trying to dress and behave like you are in your 20's...it's just plain creepy.

19.   I don’t like coffee…even if it is Starbucks.  But I’ll smell it all day long!

20.   I think working full time and raising a family is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.  I have felt guilty every day for 16 years because of it.

21.   I expect a lot from people, but nothing I wouldn’t be willing to do myself.

22.   I believe all relationships/friendships are like a bank account.  You must deposit more than you withdraw for the relationship to survive.  And I no longer offer overdraft protection.

23.   Even though I’m not supposed to care what you think…I still do.

24.   I wear my heart on my sleeve, but being sensitive does not mean I’m weak and being thoughtful does not mean I’m a doormat.

25.   I am far from perfect (I know, you’re shocked!), but each day I try to be better than I was the day before.

What's something I don't know about you?

We have had some very cold nights here in the past few weeks.  The cold led me to make a bed for Sadie (our stray cat) in our mudroom.  We also have a 6 month old chocolate lab named Bella.  Bella and Sadie are the best of friends as long as no one pays any attention to Sadie.  Bella has been bitten by the green-eyed-monster.  Bella is jealous…very jealous.  There is a door between the mudroom and the kitchen/family room.  As sneaky as I tried to be, Bella figured out Sadie was in the mudroom.  This was a new development to her and she did not like it one bit.  She sat at that door…she layed at that door…she guarded that door.  In the meantime, we are all in the family room calling for her to come play with us.  She refused.  Her eyes never left that door and what she perceived to be happening behind it.  I saw myself in her at that moment.  So worried about what MIGHT be happening somewhere else, I can’t enjoy where I am.  So consumed with what I’m missing, I don’t appreciate what I have.  Bella had four people who wanted to be with her, who were calling out to her, who wanted to give her their attention.  Unfortunately, she was so worried about the fact the cat might somehow receive a moment of that attention, she missed out.  Although just a small segment of time, she missed a roomful of love, a memory, a moment.  I shudder to think of how many of those moments I have missed.  How many times I’ve been preoccupied, emotionally unavailable, or just plain too tired to be in the present moment.  In all my reading, I agree that living in the past can lead to depression, living in the future can lead to anxiety and stress but living in the present, in the moment, is the key to contentment, happiness and health.   Research also shows the many physical benefits of learning to be in the moment—from lower blood pressure to reduced levels of stress and anxiety.  So why do we find it so hard to be present in the moment?  Are there times you’ve missed out on a important moment because you were thinking about what was happening elsewhere?  Has technology made it almost impossible to be in the moment?  Tell me what you think?

A student was having a hard time adjusting to the higher expectations of first grade.  He was greatly displeased by the removal of nap time.  He thought we should all get naps!  I silently agreed, but said “Honey, things change”.  He replied, “Well, I don’t like it.”  You know what, me either. 

So much has been written about the good that comes from embracing change.  How important it is to close doors so others will open.  In fact, I have quotes taped all over my office to remind me.  I email them to friends, share them on Facebook and pin them on Pinterest hoping the notion that change is a beautiful thing will somehow seep into my pores.  It looks so good on paper!  The truth is, I don’t like change.  It’s hard.  It’s uncomfortable.  It’s unfamiliar, and many times, it’s just plain sad.  It IS hard to see the open doors when you are focused on the closed ones, but when the closed one is all you’ve ever known and you can’t see the open door, how do you make yourself pull away and walk towards uncertainty?

I admit…I am good at sabotaging door closings.  I put stops in the door so they won’t close.  I flip the latch so they won’t shut all the way.  I stick my foot in the door and hold it open with one hand, all the while trying to live my life and wondering why new opportunities are not coming my way.  But even for the hard core resistors like myself, it’s obvious change is inevitable.  NOTHING in my life has been able to escape change.  Not my jobs, not my relationships with people, not my children or husband, and especially not me.  Although I still struggle with embracing change in the moment, I can skim through the chapters of my life and everywhere I look, I see those open doors created by closing others.  Although it’s frightening, it can also be liberating.  And although I didn’t see it or appreciate it at the time, I know that in most instances, things worked out the way they should have.

I am resisting a lot of change in my life right now.  I am putting so much effort into juggling to keep doors from closing; I’m missing out on the exciting and wonderful opportunities offered by the open doors.  We don’t have to like change but we must accept it.  The definition of embrace says “to clasp or hold close with the arms, usually as an expression of affection”. Maybe if I treat change with more warmth and less fear, I will be able to embrace it in the moment.  Writing this article is my first step.  What’s your first step? Are there doors you need to close?   Change you need to embrace?  Comment here and share your experience with me!