Everyone has “their” show…for my Dad it was Everybody Loves Raymond.  I can see him like it was yesterday, sitting on the edge of his bed laughing and laughing at that show.  For my husband, it’s The Big Bang Theory.  He watches marathons of it and just cracks up, even if he’s seen the episode many, many times.  For me, it’s The Middle.  I LOVE that show.  It’s the only show I laugh out loud to.  I record it and sometimes watch each episode a couple of times because I always catch something the second time I may have missed the first time around.  The show resonates with me on so many different levels.

The Middle is real. It doesn’t sugarcoat the realities of life and in our world of perfect “facebook families” the Hecks are a breath of fresh air.  I want to be their friend.  I’m still catching up on recorded episodes and I watched one the other day where Frankie (mom) was trying to get a job.  She was complaining to Mike (dad) that she kept getting asked in the interviews the philosophical question of “Who is Frankie Heck?”  She had no idea.  Together they decided “nice” and “hardworking” might be stretching the truth a bit so she asked her three kids to each give a word to describe her…Axl (son #1) came up with lazy, Brick (son #2) chose angry, and Sue (daughter) selected tired.  Frankie got frustrated and walked off and Axl yelled, “We are just trying to help!  You are being ungrateful!”  The other two kids started clapping, nodding their heads saying “ungrateful, great word Axl!”  So Frankie spends the rest of the show trying to figure out who she is.

Frankie, I don’t know who I am either and I hope I never really do.  Because if I can ever precisely define myself, it means I’ve stopped growing and changing.  I’ve been lots of different people throughout the stages of my life, some I’ve liked and some not so much, but they have all made me who I am today.  But here’s what I do know about myself…

I’m a contradiction. I’m the keeper of secrets and the shoulder that soaks up many tears.  I’m the unwelcome voice of reason and the look that makes you look away. I’m passionate, loyal, and trustworthy, but I’m also emotional, sensitive, and stubborn.  I’m a magician that can pull lost things from thin air and a gardener who nurtures, waters, and pulls the weeds of the many relationships I tend to.  I see myself as weak but always find myself to be stronger than I ever imagined possible when I have to be.  I don’t let you in easily, but when I do, you get the whole me…the good, bad, and ugly. I have a temper, but I also have a generous heart.  I’m not a risk taker with anything except relationships and then there’s no risk too great.  I can be inpatient and insecure but also independent and introspective.  I make lots of mistakes and ask for forgiveness. My heart feels like it’s going to burst with all the love and compassion I feel, but at the same time my head feels like it’s going to explode from all the thoughts and worries I ruminate.  I sometimes get so caught up in what I don’t have, I forget what I do have. I’m grateful and spoiled. I’m silly and serious. I’m lazy and busy.  I’m happy and sad.  I’m perfectly imperfect.

But no matter what combination you get of me on a given day, I also know I’m enough. 

And YOU are enough too.   

When my son was a toddler I would throw him these huge birthday parties…his friends, our friends, lots of chaos.  The first year we did this, he spent most of the party hiding under the table and cried when we sang happy birthday.  I thought…what is wrong with you?  You’re being rude to your friends…how can you not be enjoying this?  The second year as he hid under the table I thought…what is wrong with me?  He is obviously not enjoying this at all…is it HIS party or MY party?  We never had any more “birthday parties” after that. He might have a few friends spend the night or out to dinner with the grandparents but parties were a thing of the past.  It was in that moment watching him hiding and truly miserable that the idea of introverts and extroverts began to apply to my life.  I realized I was trying to make my introverted son an extrovert like me and doing all kinds of damage in the process.

I like the way my sister describes it best.  She is a career counselor at a large university.  Her title and responsibilities are much more impressive than that, but that’s her passion.  Helping students find their calling in life and she is very well versed in personality testing. (Go check out her blog!).  She says to think of yourself as an iPod.  You are down to 1% left on your battery and you need to recharge.  Do you recharge by being around lots of people and action (extrovert) or do you recharge in solitude and quiet (introvert)?  

I’ve always been on the extrovert side.  As a child I loved people and parties and being the center of attention.  In high school I was very social and outgoing.  I was a bubbly and energetic cheerleader with no qualms performing at a pep rally in front of the whole school.  I ran for class offices and served on committees and I was always where the party was.  The more the merrier and my social calendar couldn’t be full enough.  In college I felt a tiny shift.  The sorority I was in felt a bit overwhelming at times and I stuck mostly with a small group of friends but I still had a very active social life.  I could small talk with the best of them and be extremely charming when need be.  In my 30’s I felt another shift.  I wasn’t as comfortable around people I didn’t know. Once I got to know someone they would be surprised at how nice I was and easy to talk to because their first impression of me was sometimes stand-offish or even snobbish.  My husband and I still entertained and went out a lot but I found myself hiding in the bathroom at times just to get a breather and regroup. The large groups felt stifling.  I found my large circle of friends dwindling a bit and preferred a smaller group.  I took a personality test at this point and found I was 50/50 introvert versus extrovert.  I was teetering on the line and easily swayed depending on the day or my mood.  I believe I officially made the leap to being an introvert in my 40’s.  Small talk is torture for me, but a one-on-one conversation with the same person becomes meaningful and sincere.  My job requires me to use every ounce of “extrovertism” I have left, so my free time is spent mostly on activities that don’t require company.  I read, write, go the movies, walk.  I crave alone time.  I need quiet because my mind is so loud.  I still do lots of happy hours and socializing but it’s almost always one-on-one or in a small group.  I used to be an open book, but I do much more listening now and much less talking.  

Most of us possess a little bit of each side to us but the research I’ve seen says that extroverts make up anywhere from 50-75% of the population.  I believe that introverts are misunderstood by many.  So, on behalf of introverts everywhere, this is what I want you to know.  I’m definitely not shy, I just don’t always interact for the sake of interacting. When I’m quiet, I’m not mad or upset or depressed or pouting, I’m just listening…and I enjoy that.  I have strong social skills and I enjoy socializing as much as anyone, but when the party is over and my extrovert friends want to keep it going, you will find me home in my pajamas.  It’s not that I didn’t have fun or I don’t enjoy your company because I do, I just need to recharge.  My circle of close friends may seem small to you, but I like it that way. They are made up of people who are loyal, compassionate and sincere.  I do like to have fun!  Sometimes it will be in the same ways my extroverted friends do and other times it may be in ways that seem boring to you.  There will be times you find me on the dance floor with endless energy but there will also be times getting carried away in a good book sounds just as fun. 
Some of my closest friends would be considered extroverts.  We treasure each other for who we are and try not to take personally the things that make us different.  My extroverted friends make sure I don’t become a hermit and lead me outside my comfort zone from time to time, while I rein them in and encourage them to slow down and take time for themselves.  I might even get them to read a book or two!

I don’t know how long this phase of introversion will last for me as I believe you can transition from one to another throughout our many life stages.  Looking back, I’ve probably been more “ambivert” (someone who falls in the middle of the spectrum) than either of the other two, but I also had a misconception that in order to be “fun” you had to be extroverted.  But what I do know, it that today I’m an introvert and I couldn’t be happier.

What about you?  Do you consider yourself an introvert, extrovert or ambivert?  Have you found you’ve transitioned from one to another throughout your life?  I’d love to hear what you think!

There is something about the ocean I find mesmerizing. I've been lucky enough to spend a lot of time with the ocean this summer. Someone asked me how I can sit for hours at the shoreline with the water kissing my feet and just watch, but

I can. Watching the ocean is like watching life.

Its vastness is at times overwhelming, especially when I know what I'm seeing is just a tiny speck of what's out there. It's moody and unpredictable...some days welcoming and calm, while other days angry and powerful. People experience it differently. Some with wide eyes full of wonder, excited by the lure of the unknown. Others afraid, calculating the risk as too high. I watch as people make split minute decisions as a giant wave is about to make contact. Some get knocked over, others dive under to avoid it, while a few take advantage of it and ride it in. The ones who get knocked over have another decision to make. Will they give up and decide it's too rough or will they try again until they persevere and also ride one in? I'm intrigued by the little ones who stand side by side...one giggles while the other cries. Same experience but seen from two very different perspectives. I look out and know I am only seeing the surface. I'm curious as to the life underneath, the parts I will most likely never experience.

The ocean is a contradiction, as is life. Loud, yet calming. New, yet familiar. Risky, yet reliable. Exciting, yet painful at times. Whether calm and still or rough and rigid, in the end, both the ocean and life are always beautiful.

I'm an avid reader, especially at the beach. I devour books while I'm here...it's part of my beach experience. I just finished reading Saving CeeCee Honeycutt by Beth Hoffman and I LOVED it! I don't want to give the story away but I was moved by the wisdom that jumped out on every page and the lines I found myself reading again and again. I love when a book not only makes you part of their story, but causes you to pause and reflect on your own life. Life lessons poured from the pages of this book.

So, without giving away the story (I hope!), here are my 10 favorite quotes from Saving CeeCee Honeycutt...

1. "That's what friends should do, cherish the good and pretend not to notice the harmless rest."
2. "Life is full of change, honey. Thats how we learn and grow. When we're born, the Good Lord gives each of us a Life Book. Chapter by chapter, we live and learn...When a chapter of your Life Book is complete, your spirit knows its time to turn the page so a new chapter can begin. Even when you're scared or think you're not ready, your spirit knows you are."
3. "It's what we believe about ourselves that determines how others see us."
4. "It's how we survive the hurt in life that brings us strength and gives us beauty."
5. "Don't go wasting all them bright tomorrows you ain't even seen by hanging on to what happened yesterday. Let go, child. Just breathe out and let go."
6. "Now there's something else I know. You might not think you're grieving, but grief comes in all sorts of ways. There's the kind of grief that leaves you numb and the kind of grief that rips your world in half. And then there's another kind of grief that doesn't feel like grief at all. It's like a tiny splinter you don't even know you have until it festers so deep it has nowhere left to go but into your soul. I think that's the hardest kind of grief there is because you know you're hurting but you don't know why."
7. "Don't grow up too fast, darling. Age is inevitable, but if you nurture a childlike heart, you'll never grow old."
8. "...It's my fire...everyone needs to find the one thing that brings out her passion. Its what we do and share with the world that matters...far too many people die with a heart that's gone flat with indifference, and it surely must be a terrible way to go. Life will offer amazing opportunities, but we've got to be wide awake to recognize them...it's in that you'll find your calling in life. That's where true happiness and purpose lies. You'll never be fulfilled if you don't."
9. "That's life out there. See how it's movin? Even the leaves on the trees is movin. Life don't wait for nobody, and even as special as you are, it ain't gonna wait for you, neither. So it's time to make up your mind you're gonna join it."
10. "But if you have so much fun, then why don't you get together more than once a month?' She looked at me like a wise old owl and winked. 'Do something too often and it stops being special."

And a bonus quote I just thought was funny...

"But lately,' she said, wiggling her bare toes, 'I find all men to be very much like wearing high heeled shoes--I love how pretty they make me feel, but by the end of the night I can't wait to get rid of them!"

What's your favorite summer read so far?

If you've been following my blog from the beginning, you know that part of my inspiration for this journey came from a stray cat that showed up at our house last summer.  Here is that post.  I wouldn't go as far as to say Sadie became part of our family, but more like she became part of me.  Unfortunately, as unexpectedly as she came, she's gone.  I have not seen her for two weeks.  That's not a good sign.  She has waited at the back door every morning for a year for her breakfast and every evening for her dinner.  She would be sunning on the porch every afternoon when I got home from work and asleep in the garage or on the porch every night before I went to bed.  She has stayed away for a day sometimes, but I don't believe she would purposely stay away this long.  This is the first time I've really talked about it, because I felt like if I said it out loud or wrote it down that it would make it real and I wasn't ready for that until now.  Sadie deserves a good-bye.

When I think about what that sweet cat taught me, three lessons come immediately to mind.

Be open to new things...I hated cats.  Period.  I have never owned a cat, paid no mind to any cats that might be pets of my friends, and did my best to avoid cats at all costs.  I have no idea why.  I just thought I didn't like them.  "I'm a dog person" I would say to everyone.  I'm not really sure why I felt you either needed to be a "dog person" or a "cat person" and you couldn't be both, but that's beside the point.  She taught me to be open to new ideas and even old ideas that may not be true to who I am anymore.  By loving her, I realize I never hated cats, I just never gave them a chance.  I was never open to the idea and had a pre-conceived notion about something I knew nothing about it.  I think about how many other things in my life I haven't given a chance because I have already made a judgment based on a past experience or memory or even because I'm afraid.  (And yes, I will be trying yogurt today.  I have in my head I hate yogurt so I have refused to try it my entire adult life.  I have a yucky look on my face right now even thinking about it, but considering I don't actually have a memory of ever eating it and not liking it, I think I've created the whole thing in my head!  I'll keep you posted!)

A simple life is a happy life...As with most animals, she didn't need much to be happy.  She just wanted to be fed, a safe place to sleep, and a little attention here and there.  That's it.  I tried to buy her some fancy cat toys one time but she looked at me like "Girl...really?" and never touched them.  She was happy with the sun on her face and the peace that came with knowing she was safe...that she didn't need to look over her shoulder all the time.  I do believe she was genuinely happy this past year and that definitely brings me some comfort.  And I agree with her, a simple life is a happy life.  The more "stuff" I accumulate in my house and even in my mind, only makes my life feel cluttered.  I don't need it.  She has inspired me to simplify.

We all want to belong, to feel connected...As independent as Sadie was, she still wanted to belong to something...to our family.  She wanted to feel loved and she wanted to feel connected to something bigger than herself.  One day when I wasn't feeling well and I was in bed all day, Todd brought her into the house and put her in the bed with me.  She never left my side.  She wanted to be touching me the whole time.  We all need that human touch.  We all need to feel loved.  We all want to belong.  There's not a person out there, no matter how independent and strong, that doesn't have these basic needs.  We should always remember that.

If Sadie is still alive, I hope she's found a loving home and I will always be looking for to show up again.  If she's not, I just hope there was no suffering and she is looking down on me from a very happy place.  We had a very special connection.  I always felt like she was watching me...looking after me.  And there were times this year, I needed to feel like someone was watching out for me.  She brought me comfort, she showed me love, and she gave me inspiration.  I will be forever grateful.  Dr. Seuss says "Don't cry because it's over.  Smile because it happened."  I'm smiling Sadie, I'm smiling.

“I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded; not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night.”  ~Khaled Hosseini, The Kite Runner

 Someone asked me if I would write something about forgiveness.  I immediately thought of this line from The Kite Runner.  I loved this line and it shed a whole new light on the meaning of forgiveness for me.  But I am certainly no forgiveness expert.  I am working really hard at being a forgiving person, but forgiveness can be a funny thing. Whether you’re trying to forgive someone else or working on forgiving yourself, it’s not as easy as they make it sound.  We hear about the peace, freedom, and serenity you feel when you have finally found the strength to forgive, but the journey there can be so painful, many never make it.  Forgiveness has always been confusing to me.  How could I feel such a deep need for forgiveness from others when I mess up, but have such a difficult time offering that same forgiveness?  My first misstep was believing if I forgave someone, it meant I was condoning the wrong that had been committed…that I was letting someone/myself off the hook.  Luckily I realized quickly that’s not what forgiveness is about. C.R. Strahan said “Forgiveness has nothing to do with absolving a criminal of his crime.  It has everything to do with relieving oneself of the burden of being a victim – letting go of the pain and transforming oneself from victim to survivor.”  I also often wondered how I would KNOW the act of forgiveness was complete.  I was waiting for the epiphany.  I was waiting for the finale.  I wanted to do the hard work of forgiving and then be done with it, never to think about it again.  Now I believe it doesn’t work that way.  You don’t ever forget.  You still remember… it’s just free of any pain or resentment.  It’s a daily choice you make not to serve the past up for breakfast every morning and to forgive not necessarily because people deserve it, but to forgive them because they need it – because we need it.

But, I admit, I struggle.  When you let anger, hurt, and bitterness run through your veins, it takes much hard work to cleanse yourself of that poison.  And it is poison.  It hurts no one but yourself to carry that load around.  It weighs you down.  It’s heavy on your heart, it’s heavy on your body, and it’s heavy on your mind.  It gives someone a power over you that no one but you should have.  It changes you.  So let’s all slide the weight from our shoulders and move forward, because without forgiveness, there is no forward motion.  Let’s begin to forgive because we will ask for that forgiveness for
ourselves one day and because there is great pride in being a survivor and great
burden in being a victim.   Let's give the gift of forgiveness,  And I challenge you to start with yourself.

“Love yourself—accept yourself—forgive yourself—and be good to yourself, because
without you the rest of us are without a source of many wonderful things.” -Leo F. Buscaglia