I love to express myself through writing.  Although I’m articulate and I have no problem talking to people, I tend to be very reactive. I speak without thinking through my thoughts. 
This can lead to some regrets and a number of embarrassing moments because I can say some pretty stupid stuff!  Writing gives me a chance to ponder my thoughts, to read them through someone else’s eyes, to do on paper what my mind can’t seem to do…to slow down.

I’ve been writing this blog for 5 months now.  I started this blog for various reasons…to share some things I’ve learned through my counseling background and my own life experiences, to see if I like writing as much as I think I do, to challenge myself by doing something totally out of my comfort zone, to test if it was something I would stick with and not give up on, to open up doors with the possibility writing might be part of a
career for me one day, and mainly because I enjoy it.  What I write about isn’t everyone’s cup of tea and each time I post something I debate if I should keep doing this.  Something keeps me at it though.  I often get writer’s block.  Not because I don’t have something to say (I always do!) but because I also decided to stay away from topics that are too personal, too controversial, too heavy. I told myself this was
because I wasn’t ready for the criticism and judgment that comes along with
plunging into topics like these.  But it wasn’t until I started reading a book by Brene Brown called Daring Greatly that I understood the real reason I don’t delve into these hard topics.  I don’t want to be vulnerable.  Not just in this blog, but in life.  

Vulnerable is defined as capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt; capable of being physically or emotionally wounded.  As I write that even I’m thinking…well who in the world WOULD want to be vulnerable?  Brown explains in her book how vulnerability is both the core of difficult emotions like fear, grief, and disappointment and the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, empathy, innovation, and creativity.  She explains that when we shut ourselves off from vulnerability, we distance ourselves from the experiences that bring purpose and meaning to our lives.

I want to share an excerpt of the introductory of her book.  It was one of those “aha” moments for me.  I reread it many times hoping her words would seep into my pores.  I find them extremely powerful.  I hope you will too.

Taken from Daring Greatly by Brene Brown:

The phrase Daring Greatly is from Theodore Roosevelt’s speech “Citizenship in a Republic.”  The speech, sometimes referred to as “The Man in the Arena” was delivered at the Sorbonne in Paris, France on April 23, 1910.  This is the passage that made the speech famous.

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause;

Who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly…”

Dr. Brown continues with her thoughts.

The first time I read this quote, I thought, this is vulnerability. Everything I’ve learned from over a decade of research on vulnerability has taught me this exact lesson.  Vulnerability is not knowing victory or defeat, it’s understanding the necessity of both; it’s engaging.  It’s being all in.

Vulnerability is not a weakness, and the uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure we face every day are not optional.  Our only choice is question of engagement.  Our
willingness to own and engage with our vulnerability determines the depth of our
courage and clarity of our purpose; the level to which we protect ourselves from being vulnerable is a measure of our fear and disconnect.

When we spend our lives waiting until we’re perfect or bulletproof before we walk into the arena, we ultimately sacrifice relationship and opportunities that may not be recoverable, we squander our precious time, and we turn our backs on our gifts, those unique contributions that only we can make.

Perfect and bulletproof are seductive, but they don’t exist in the human experience.  We must walk into the arena, whatever it may be – a new relationship, an important meeting, our creative process, or a difficult family conversation – with courage and willingness to engage.  Rather than sitting on the sidelines and hurling judgment and advice, we must dare to show up and let ourselves be seen.  This is vulnerability.  This is daring greatly.

And this is just the first page!  So this is my new motto…I’m daring greatly!  I’m not sure exactly what that’s going to look like, but I have a few ideas. There are some arenas I need to walk into and some places I need to dare to show up.  I need to realize
fear is not going to protect me and perfection is unattainable.  I need to be vulnerable.

If you liked this post, go get her book.  I ordered it through Amazon but I’m sure it’s in any bookstore.  She has also given two TED talks and I’ve attached them here if you want to hear more.  And if you get the book and you want to discuss it through an informal book club, let me know and I’ll set one up on my blog.

While at the beach last week, my friend and I were laying on my bed watching videos of her 8 year-old daughter.  These were videos her daughter made of herself doing everything from writing and singing songs (and very well may I add!) to discussing quite articulately her feelings on many topics.  We laughed and laughed.  It was obvious to me this sweet girl is creative, dramatic, introspective, smart, assertive, confident and clearly she thinks she is fabulous!  When we finished watching one, my friend sighed and said “It makes me sad this will all be gone in a few years.”  I sighed too.  She didn’t have to explain…I knew exactly what she meant.

Within the next few years, this sweet little girl may change.  She may believe being smart is not cool so she will pretend she is not.  She may believe being creative makes her different, so she will hide it.  She may believe assertiveness does not go over well with the boys so she will learn to become passive.  She may see the TV and the magazines and believe that all “pretty girls” come in one size…skinny.  There may come a day when she does not see herself as fabulous anymore, because she will be so focused on her flaws.  Her confidence may turn to doubt.  

I know I’m generalizing here, but I see this phenomenon every day…in my young students, in my own daughter, and even in myself.  In an article on babycenter.com, Chris Woolston says, “Girls usually start off life at full steam. They're the early talkers, the social butterflies, the A students. But somewhere between preschool and middle school, a confusing blend of new social pressures, greater expectations in the classroom, and mixed signals from society (“Do your best – but don’t draw too
much attention to yourself,” “You can be anything you want to be – but looking
pretty is your top priority”) can cause girls to fall behind academically or lose their spark.” Check out an issue of any magazine marketed to women out there and you will be stunned by the mixed signals we are sending our young girls.  Anita Gurian, PhD states in an article on aboutourkids.org that, “Starting in the preteen years, there is a shift in focus; for girls, their appearance and their changing bodies too often become an all-consuming passion and barometer of worth. For an overwhelming majority of girls, self-esteem becomes too closely tied to how they look and their physical attributes; girls feel they can't measure up to unrealistic society standards.”

After watching a couple more videos, my friend looked at me and said “What do I do?  How do I keep her thinking she is fabulous?” She was asking me not only as a counselor, but as a friend and as a mother of a 14 year-old girl.  I wish I had THE answer.  I don’t.  I struggle with this same question.  I do like this list from the Chris Woolston article of things you can do to build your daughter's confidence and resilience for the tricky years ahead:

1. Encourage assertiveness…Teach your daughter to express her needs to adults and stand her ground with her peers. If another child is being mean to her, encourage her to say "I don't like the way you're talking to me."

2. Be specific in your compliments…When you tell your daughter how smart she is, it means much more if you use concrete examples. Tell her "You have a really good memory" or "Boy, you sure know your dinosaurs."

3. Make your praise match reality…A third-grader will know that she's not a musical genius or the best artist on the planet, but she'll appreciate it if you notice her improvement from one month to the next.

4. Help her understand why she sometimes gets left out…Explain to your daughter that if she isn't invited to every birthday party or to join every jump-rope game (and she won't be), it's not meant to be an insult. Explain that when another child says "You can't be my friend," it probably has more to do with that child's bad mood than it does with your daughter.

5. Encourage competence…Don't be too quick to help your daughter with homework or chores. If she asks for help, ask her to try working through it for a couple more minutes on her own first.

6. Encourage her to play sports if she wants to…Girls have more sporty options than ever before. If she wants to do gymnastics or play football, give her a chance to get in the game and find out what she's capable of. Don't decide which sports are right for her – she can figure it out herself.

7. Don't make assumptions about her strengths and weaknesses…Just because your child is a girl doesn't mean she'll struggle with fractions – or that she'll ace reading tests. It also doesn't mean she won't want to go fishing or try out for Little League. Follow her cues to best nurture her strengths and work on improving her weaknesses.

8. Encourage a healthy body image…When she asks the inevitable "Am I pretty?" answer her with an enthusiastic yes. When you praise her appearance, try to highlight her actions, too: "You looked so graceful at gymnastics today" or "Your eyes really shone on the stage.”  It can also be helpful for older girls to hear that models in magazines don't look like real girls or women and that their photographs are altered to make them look thinner and more flawless than they actually are.

9. Prepare her for sexism…Even today, some people think that girls can't do some things that boys can. If you notice your daughter watching TV shows or movies where girls stay in the background while boys save the day, point it out and talk to her about how different things are in the real world.

10. Point out positive female role models…Take every opportunity, when you're watching the news or reading the paper, to show your daughter that women - senators, sportscasters, doctors, athletes – can do anything.  Reading books with strong female characters is one of the best ways to get the idea across without
lecturing. If you can't think of enough books like that, ask a librarian – they often have lists of books to choose from and can make recommendations.

Do you agree with his list? What would you add?  What’s worked for you?  Check out this video from The Dove Campaign for Real Beauty...

I am so thrilled to be spending this week at the beach with two of my best friends from college.  It has been much too long.  I have seen them each individually over the years but the last time we were all three together was 10 years ago at my dad’s funeral.  The last time we did a girls’ only trip was probably for one of our bachelorette parties 20 years ago.  Like I said, it’s been much too long.  Someone asked me if I was nervous about the trip since it has been many years since we have all been together.  I was a little surprised because it never even occurred to me to be nervous.  I’ve been way too busy being ridiculously excited! 

I met Mary Beth and Kari in college.  We were all pledging Kappa Delta sorority and became fast and forever friends.  (Picture is from a sorority formal!)  They were bridesmaids in my wedding, and I in theirs.  Much has happened in each of our lives since those days and I’m not sure if any of us would have predicted where we would be in life some 20 years later…many blessings and much happiness, but also plenty of disappointments and buckets of tears.  As many friends do, we have gone through periods of losing touch, sometimes even for years.  But as all true friends do, once we get back in touch, we pick up right where we left off. The friendship is familiar, supportive, comfortable, and easy.

When I think about my friends, I think about the saying…Make new friends but keep the old, for one is silver and the other is gold.  All of my friends are priceless to me and they each hold a special place in my heart. They each fulfill a unique need in my life as well.  Some I call when I need a good listener.  Some I call when I need a good laugh.  Some share a love of movies with me, while others share my love of books.  Some I call when I want to be philosophical and deep, while other times I want a different friend because I know it will never get philosophical and deep!  Some know the ins and outs of my day and love my kids as their own, while others do not really know my kids
at all, but know me in a way my current friends do not, because they grew up with me.  Some I talk work with, while others may not even know what I do for a living, because our common ground is something much different.  Some know me from the inside out, while others just know what they see. I need them all though.  They each serve a purpose.

While I could not survive without my current friends, I feel a connection to my
childhood/college friends that can never be replaced.  They know ME. Many don’t
know me as a wife or as a mother, they knew me at a time when my only identity
was just Paige.  I miss that sometimes.  Research shows that remembering happy times from your past is a great way to boost your happiness in the present.  Maintaining friendships from all stages of your life can have a real effect on your current happiness.  But let’s get real, it’s hard to do.  I’ve done a terrible job.  I can barely carve out time for a lunch date with my mom who lives in the same town! 
This is why this trip is so important to me.  It’s non-negotiable.  No matter what came up last minute with my family, this trip was non-negotiable and they respected that.  I need to do this more often.  My high school friends and I are in the preliminary talks of trying to find a weekend to get together.  We have not all been together for 20 years either.  My wedding was the last time I saw some of them.  I’ve already decided, that trip will be non-negotiable also.  If it’s  planned, I will be there.

So five days at the beach with two of my best friends!  How lucky am I?  And I’m
packing light…I’ve got a beach chair, a bathing suit, bottles of wine and portable wine glasses for the beach…what more do old friends need?!

Throughout all the highs and lows of my marriage, one thing about my husband has stayed steadfast and true. He is a good father.  No, a great father.  The kind of father I only dreamed of my kids having one day.  And it’s been that way from the very beginning.

When I was pregnant with Brandon, I had a really awful delivery.  Some minor complications after the delivery left me in and out of consciousness for a bit.  Every time I would come to, I would panic…THE BABY!  And every time I opened my eyes, there was Todd rocking him, soothing him, feeding him, and loving him.  As we were getting ready to leave the hospital, I remember being in the shower worried about how in the world I was going to dress this tiny little thing without hurting him and prepare him for our trip home.  I came out of the bathroom and there was Brandon, all dressed and ready to go, lying on Todd’s chest.  From that moment on, I knew my kids would always be in the best of hands.

Todd took to parenting in a way I never did.  It was so natural to him.  You can’t teach that, it just is.  When I worried, he wondered.  When I stressed, he smiled.  What I saw as a huge responsibility, he saw as a huge adventure.  It’s still that way.  He always saw parenting, not as an equal obligation so much, but as an equal journey he was so blessed to be part of.  When Brandon was just a couple weeks old, I left him with Todd while I went out to run some errands.  I remember seeing a friend who stopped me and asked where the baby was.  I replied that he was home with Todd.  She looked genuinely shocked.  Her exact words were, “I can’t believe you’re letting Todd babysit him this soon.”  I was speechless. “He’s his dad, not his babysitter” I countered,” and he is more than capable.”  And he was. I was unable to breastfeed Brandon so Todd became an efficient bottle maker, making them in big batches so I didn’t have to do it.  Even though he was working, we had a system at night.  Anything the baby needed before 2:00 a.m. was my responsibility, anything after 2:00 a.m. was his. (We came up with this because I was a night person and he was a morning person!). While pregnant
with Catie, I was put on bed rest for 6 months.  Todd worked, cooked, kept the house as best he could, took care of two-year old Brandon, and took care of me every day
for those 6 months.  Once Catie came along, he never even flinched.  He was as comfortable with two as he was with one. He has a remarkable gift.

Todd is devoted to Brandon and Catie in a way that’s truly humbling.  He’s involved, but knows how to give them space.  He’s fun, but knows when to lay down the law.  He’s proud, but keeps things in perspective.  He’s their friend, but also their parent.  He cooks for them, he attends everything they participate in, he plays with them, and most importantly, he loves them unconditionally.  He’s patient, kind, loyal and generous. 
If they don’t now, my kids will soon realize what a special dad they have.

So thank you Todd.  Thank you for being more than I could ever ask for in a father to my children. Thank you for being all the things I’m not.  Thank you for allowing the kids to see the world from your perspective.  Thank you for always being ready for an adventure with them and helping them experience the fun side of life.  Thank you for providing for them and working so incredibly hard to give them the life I know you believe they deserve.  Thank you for always being so involved in their lives and making them feel like the most important thing in the world...because they are. But most of all, thank you for the peace of mind in knowing that should anything ever happen to me, they have and always will be in the best of hands. 

Happy Father's Day!  We love you!

Yesterday, we took Bella to the creek on some of Todd’s family land to play in the water.  We don’t take the time to do things like this with her very often, so she was extremely excited.  The hay on the land had not been cut so it was very high except for the path we were driving on.  As we drove, a deer popped up from the tall grass and started running.  Bella jumped out of the truck and started chasing the deer. We were following behind her and had lost sight of her briefly.  As we approached the creek, Todd slammed on the breaks because all of a sudden Bella was running straight for the truck and the deer was chasing her!  It was quite funny!  The look on Bella’s face said “Retreat!  Retreat!” 
 
I was reminded of several lessons in that moment.

Don’t pick on someone or something just because you can.  It could be you some day. Bella was all big and bad chasing that deer until the tables turned.  As she was cowering under my legs, I’m guessing she was thinking it wasn’t so fun to be on the receiving end of that little chase.  I tell my kids at school all the time that they don’t have to necessarily be friends, but if you don’t like someone, leave them alone.  There is no reason to pick on someone you perceive to be weaker than you just because you can.  You never know when you will be the one being “chased”.

There are times you must stand up for yourself.  That deer probably gets pretty tired of being chased.  Walking (or in this case running) away from trouble is always a good idea, but there are times you must stand up for yourself.  I was pretty proud of her for standing up to Bella.  Most people are cowards.  It’s easy to talk about someone, make hurtful comments, or make others feel inferior as long as you’re never called to the carpet on it.  Once confronted, even in a very nice way (which is what I recommend), the dynamics change dramatically.  Tony Gaskin said it best…“You
teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you
reinforce.”  You set the bar for how you are treated…set it high.

Don’t mess with a mama and her baby.  When we stopped the truck and got out, the deer didn’t back down a bit.  She took a few steps forward with an expression that said “Bring it on!” Catie stayed in the truck and said, “She looks mad!”  She was mad! I imagine she had a baby somewhere close by and she would do anything to protect that baby.  She ended up giving us a few grunts and running off, but I know that feeling well…mess with me all you want, but don’t mess with my kids!  I’ve seen intelligent, calm, passive women change into the Incredible Hulk right before my eyes when it comes to defending their kids.  We just can’t help it.  Be sure not to stand up for your kids so often though, that you don’t teach them to stand up for themselves.  That’s
truly the most valuable gift you can give them.

All of our moments are connected.  In that moment at the creek, I was able to experience other great moments.  As I watched Bella play, I missed our old dog Samantha tremendously, and remembered such wonderful memories with her at that same creek.  I was taken back to high school thinking about how much time Todd and I
and our friends spent at these creeks, laughing, playing, and dreaming. And as I watched my long-legged, beautiful daughter play with Bella in the creek, I realized that she will connect this moment with one of her own somewhere down the road.  This is why each moment is so special.

Of course no family outings in my world end on such a peaceful note.  As we were shutting the gate and getting ready to pile back in the truck, Bella decided she wanted to salvage her pride on this deer chasing fiasco and chased a biker about a half a mile
down a curvy, country road while we screamed frantically for her (and the biker
screamed frantically as well)!  I kept hoping for the biker to turn the tables and start chasing her, but no such luck!  When she felt rightfully redeemed, she stopped, headed back for the truck with her head held high.  Obviously, we still have some work to do!

You will never hear me described as tall or athletic or skinny or probably even beautiful.  You will more likely hear words like short or curvy or stocky or cute.  And I’m ok with that.  That is until I get around tall, athletic, skinny, beautiful women and then I fall into the trap…the comparison trap.

A friend of mine sent me a devotional she received from Proverbs 31 Ministries with an encouraging note today.  It was a devotional written by Lysa TerKeurst that started out this way…

“Comparisons stink. They do.

Just when I think I've gotten to a good place in some area of my life, along comes someone or something that seems better in comparison. And my confidence shrinks back, takes the hand of doubt, and starts ransacking the peace right out of my heart and mind.

I know deep down that God can and will use everything for good in my life, even my areas of vulnerability. But honest to goodness, it's hard on a girl's heart.”

It is hard on a girl’s heart.  If it’s not our bodies we are comparing, it’s our marriages, our jobs, our kids, our houses, our friends, our fitness, and the overall “fun” we are having in our life.  It’s always been this way, but I think social media exacerbates the problem.  We look on sites like Facebook and we “see” people with passionate marriages, successful kids, great jobs, lots of friends, running weekly marathons, and seemingly having the time of their lives.  Then it starts…the comparison.  We compare this façade (which is all it is) to our actual, real lives and things that seemed “ok”, now don’t seem so great.  Although making comparisons is very normal, as it is often how we gauge our progress and how we figure out the bar in the first place, it is rarely helpful.

Most of our comparing is based on an observation, nothing more.  We do not have all the information we need to make an accurate comparison.  If we did, we would most likely find that what we observe to be far from the truth.  When you compare, you will most likely fall short in your own mind because there is always someone or something “better” than you in any given area.  You will always find someone who is fitter, prettier, busier, smarter… but don’t mistake this for happier.  Comparing teaches us a “you versus me” mentality that leads people, especially women, to be pitted against each other rather than being supportive and nurturing.  Comparison leads to low self esteem, depression and does nothing but damage relationships, especially your relationship with yourself.  When we are full of love for ourselves, we have no need to compare. 

So from me to you (and from me to me)…if you must compare, don’t compare yourself to others, compare yourself to the person you were yesterday.  Be the best YOU can be.  Your unique look, one-of-a-kind personality, and distinctive heart distinguish you from all the others and that’s how God intended it to be.  So much precious time is wasted comparing ourselves to others.  We all have different strengths and weaknesses and it’s only when you accept everything you are – and aren’t - that you will feel successful.  Everyone’s journey is unique.  Theodore Roosevelt said it best when he said “Comparison is the thief of joy.”  So right now…right this very minute…I challenge you to commit to taking your joy back.  There is no such thing as perfection.   Quit asking what’s “wrong” with me and start focusing on what’s “right” with you, because I know there is plenty.  Roosevelt also said "Do what you can, with what you have, where you are."  So simple, yet so profound.  For me,that’s the very best any of us can do, wouldn't you agree?