I was reading something the other day and the article ended with this question…

Are you living or simply existing?

Of course I’m living I thought.   To not be living would mean I don’t love my life and of course I love my life.  End of story.  But, as many things do, it left me thinking.  How do we know if we are merely existing?

Dr. Phil says existing is instinctual; it is involuntary, reactive self-preservation, with the primary goal of just getting from one day to the next without regard to quality. Living, on the other hand, is the exercise of certain learned skills, attitudes, and abilities that you have acquired and honed to a sharp and focused edge.  Living is waking up excited each day and looking forward to the known and unknown the day may bring.

A large component of simply existing is fear.  Fear of making a change, fear of the unknown, fear the grass is not greener.  Because of this fear, we do the same boring routine every day, we stay in dead-end jobs we don’t enjoy, we stay in toxic relationships that are no good for us, and we put off our dreams.  To change feels too hard and too scary.  We settle and make excuses to not live the life we truly want to lead.

Kimanzi Constable published a book called Are You Living or Existing? 9 Steps to Change Your Life.  He explains the difference between living and existing this way…

“The difference is realization, attitude and action. You start by realizing that time is one resource we’ll never get back, so we can’t afford to waste it doing things that won’t better our life. Then have the right attitude towards everything you do, viewing opportunities as a blessing and not another task on your to do list. Action means not wasting your life away watching the latest prime time shows. It means getting out and creating amazing experiences. At the end of your life you won’t remember all of the stuff you got or shows you watched. You’ll remember incredible experiences and times you impacted the lives of others.”

So how would you even know if you’re someone who exists or lives? Steve Jobs did something that could provide some guidance. Apparently he used to wake up each morning, look at himself in the mirror and ask himself the same question, “If I was to die today, would I do what I am about to do?” If his answer was no too many days in a row, he would make a change.  I think this is a good starting point for figuring out if you’re just settling for mediocrity. If you’re not getting excited or happy most days with what you’re going to do, you may need to take action and change something. This goes for every area of your life.

After being brutally honest with myself, I had to admit, although I’ve done my share of living, I’ve also done my share of existing.  I decided that needed to change.  But where to start?  It felt right to start from Constable’s explanation of living…realization, attitude, and action.

I decided the first step was to take control of my life…to be fully responsible and accountable for my own happiness.  It is not the job of my co-workers, husband, children or friends to make my life meaningful, it is mine.  I decided to stop being a spectator to my life and instead, fully participate in each day.  At 45 my life is probably more than half way over and any time spent existing is just not acceptable anymore.  Time is precious and I don’t want to waste another minute.

Secondly, my attitude has to change.  I must begin to count my blessings and not my problems.  I must begin to see obstacles as opportunities.  Most importantly for me, I must stop my perfectionist ways.  I have to learn to be ok with failure and not be afraid to try new things.  I also have to accept the fact that living life to its fullest is not a destination, it’s a journey.  A journey I will be on for the rest of my life.  This step will be a work in progress for me and probably the hardest step of all.  The idea of change brings me much anxiety!

Finally, I must act.  I’m a great planner and a not-so-good follow througher.  I decided to really think about what I feel passionate about in life, what I enjoy doing, and what makes me feel good about myself?  I’m embarrassed to admit how difficult it was to identify things I feel passionate about or enjoy doing.  I’ve never been a big “hobby” person and my life has revolved so much around my kids the past 17 years, I realize I’ve sort of  lost myself along the way.  I am realistic enough to know I’m not ready for huge changes immediately so I’ve outlined some baby steps for myself in all areas of my life to push myself in the right direction. I had to take a deep breath and dig deep, but I’m excited about some of the possibilities I’m investigating.  Remember, even small steps can lead to big possibilities!

How about you?  Do you need to take this journey with me?  Do you find yourself simply existing more days than you are really living?  Or are you someone who lives life to the fullest and wakes up excited for what each day holds?  Either way, I’d love to hear your story!

I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook these days.  I love to catch up with friends and family, be inspired, share a funny story, or read about others’ accomplishments.  What I hate is watching it become a place for every judgmental person to sling their mud behind the safety of a computer screen.  Have we really lost our ability to be sensitive to others’ feelings, especially when we disagree?  Have we totally lost the capacity to be compassionate?  Are we completely unskilled and inexperienced in how to see two sides to a story and sympathize (and even better yet, empathize) with tragic things that are going on around us?  Have we lost sight of the fact that not everything we read on the internet is even true and many facts are left out of stories to make it more sensationalized?  Are we really this mean?

I know, I know…you are thinking if I don’t like what I see on Facebook then I should quit reading it!  You are right and I’m definitely considering it.  But deleting an app off my phone and isolating myself from the judgment and righteousness that has now become a huge part of social media does not make it disappear.  Nor does it make it ok.

I will continue to keep my opinions and feelings about certain topics flooding my newsfeed to myself, because my opinion really doesn’t matter.  The point of this post is not to “have my say” but to remind us all that the words we type behind the protection of our electronic devices are in some cases more damaging than even the words we speak.  At least when we “talk” to others, we can gauge body language.  We can immediately hear a different perspective.  We can see the emotion that results in our words.  We are accountable. 

As you type hurtful comments about someone (maybe even rightfully deserved), remember that person has a family.  A mother, a grandfather, a sister, a son, a daughter.  In most of these cases, these families are paying a high enough price.  We cannot even begin to imagine the pain they are enduring and reading comments from you based on a story on the internet that may or may not even be completely true has got to be heartbreaking.  Every time I read a tragic story, no matter how outraged or appalled I am, I immediately think it could be me one day.  It could be one of my close friends or family members, that due to one bad choice or a lifetime of mental illness, find themselves in the headlines and therefore in the spotlight for every person to feel entitled to tear them down.  I believe those who have committed terrible crimes or made stupid decisions must have consequences and pay for their actions, but I also believe that it’s not up to me to make a horrible situation worse by making unknowledgeable, unkind and unhelpful comments in a public forum.  Sadly, I’ve done it and have regretted it later after I understood more clearly the situation or realized the hurt I caused someone I care about.

I am in no way saying we should keep our opinions to ourselves.  I have benefited from many posts I firmly disagreed with as I began to read, but in the end came away with a different perspective or a new appreciation for a side to the issue I was unable to formulate myself.  I admire those who are passionate about what they believe in and are not afraid to make a stand.  All of these things can be done in a respectful way though and that’s when the greatest impact is made.

Life is hard enough without the eyes of judgment staring us down.  Can we seriously look at ourselves in the mirror and see such perfection in our reflection that we can justify judging another human being?  I know I can’t.

Happy 2014!!  I’ve taken some time off from writing to focus on my friends and family and honestly, just to relax and re-energize.  I spent the first week of my Christmas vacation entertaining A LOT and the second week recuperating from entertaining.  I did very little except watch my kids play sports.  In fact, I did so little and felt so tired that I went and had a blood test for mono.  Fortunately, no mono, just a touch of the flu and plenty of my body trying to tell me to settle down a bit.  So that’s what I did!  Lazy comes pretty naturally to me when given the opportunity!

During my entertaining week, three generations of women in my family went to have manicures and pedicures.  It was wonderful.  We randomly happened to have the place to ourselves so we were able to really enjoy ourselves.  I had talked my mother into a different kind of manicure than she normally gets and she was very excited with the results.  I was sitting beside her and said “Let me see!”  She enthusiastically showed off her manicure than immediately followed up with shame over the look of her hands.  “Look how old they are, aren’t they ugly?” she stated.  I said, “No mom, they are not ugly…they are beautiful.”  She laughed and we moved on, but her comment stayed with me.  I have compared my own hands to the beautiful unblemished hands of my own daughter and felt the exact same way…ashamed.

When did we become a society so obsessed with looking youthful that we are ashamed of aging?

I was having trouble sleeping one night and so I began to watch TV around 2:00 a.m.  Television that time of night is filled with many infomercials.  I found myself too awake to sleep, but too sleepy to even care what was playing so I just watched and flipped channels. I spent hours watching about how to make a woman’s aging skin look young again, how to fix a woman’s sagging chin, how to get rid of a woman’s ugly stretch marks, and the glorification of looking 20 when you are 40 or 50.  I have to admit, it was quite depressing.  Millions of dollars spent by women trying their hardest not to age…me included.  When did aging become a dirty word?  When did it become unattractive to be 50 years old and actually LOOK 50 years old?  When did we lose respect for the experience and wisdom that comes along with the gift of aging?

I’m in no way saying we shouldn’t take care of ourselves.  We should be eating a healthy diet, exercising our bodies and minds, protecting ourselves from the harmful effects of the sun, and trying our best to cut back on all those bad habits we started in our 20’s.  My point is we have become a culture that has limited the definition of beauty to one word…youth.  I find this extremely disheartening and sad.  And the truth is,  I wouldn’t go back to 20 even if I could.  My body might not be what it once was and I may not be seen as beautiful to some as I was 10 or 20 years ago, but my beauty goes so much deeper than it did back then.  At 44 I don’t want to just look beautiful anymore…I want to be a beautiful person.  There’s a big difference, one I might not have understood in my 20’s and I hope to understand even more in my 70’s. 

So about your hands Mom…I cannot think of anything more beautiful than your hands.  Those hands loved my father for over 40 years and took amazing care of him throughout his battle with cancer.  They changed the diapers of four children and put us to bed each night.  They fed our family, sewed clothes, and knitted scarves.  They have decorated over 50 Christmas trees and wrapped thousands of gifts.  They were our safety net in learning how to walk and they rubbed our backs when we were sick.  They have wiped countless tears and clapped over and over for our accomplishments.  They brushed our hair and baked us cookies.  They have held your head as you prayed for us and smacked our bottoms when we deserved it.  They have written love letters and obituaries.  They have held and rocked eight grandbabies.  Every spot and wrinkle on your hand is a sign of living and loving. 

There is nothing more beautiful than that.