My elementary school has chosen the book The 7 Habits of Happy Kids by Sean Covey as the book we are going to promote school-wide this year.  As part of that effort, our school t-shirts this year look like a baseball jersey with a “7” on the back filled in with the seven habits.  Here's a picture...

I was wearing my t-shirt one evening while I was in Panera for a meeting.  I was standing in line waiting to order when the woman behind me, tapped me on the shoulder.  She said, “I love your t-shirt!”  I chuckled and said, “Thank you!  I work in an elementary school and it’s our school shirt.”  She then asked me what it meant.  I went on to explain it was the 7 habits listed in Sean Covey’s book.  The woman then shared with me she was very angry with her husband and had planned to go home and “let him have it”.  She said she walked into Panera and immediately a particular sentence from my shirt jumped out at her.  It was the 5th habit from the book…

Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood.

She told me she stared at that sentence and decided to approach her husband in a different way when she got home.  She was going to listen to him first and really try to understand his point of view and then explain hers and hope he would do the same for her.  I wished her luck and that was that, but her story stuck with me.

I have been so busy creating and researching lessons to teach my students this important habit, I had not really thought about how it applied to my own life.  In the book Mr. Covey writes, “In school we’re taught how to read, write, and speak.  But we’re not taught how to listen, which is the most important communication skill of all.  Listening with our ears isn’t good enough, because less than 10 percent of communication is contained in the words we use.  The rest comes from body language and the tone and feeling reflected in our voice.  What a great blessing it would be if we could teach our kids how to listen while they’re young!”  I could not agree more Mr. Covey!

In my profession, listening to others is an important skill, so I do a pretty good job of it at work.  But, my personal life?  That’s another story.  I have found myself in a couple of situations lately where I was far from being a good listener.  I think most of us would agree we spend much more times seeking to be understood than we do to understand.  It’s so important to us to get our point across and make sure people know our view about something, the skill of listening has fallen to the wayside.   We get caught up in the moment of defending ourselves or making sure our opinion is heard and it’s only later we sit back and wish we had really taken the time to LISTEN and UNDERSTAND.  We miss valuable opportunities to form deeper relationships when our only focus is to be understood.

Sadly, listening has almost become obsolete in this high-tech, electronic world where most of our communication is through social media and texting.  People don’t talk anymore….they do everything by text and social media.  They fight over Twitter, break up over text, make up over text, and share some of the best and worst news of their life over Facebook.  Social media has some amazing benefits.  I am able to keep up with friends in a way I never could without it and I love being able to hear my friends’ good (and sometimes bad!) news.  But if this is the only way we communicate, it becomes a problem.  If less than 10 percent of our communication is made up of the words we say (or type!), imagine what we are missing!  Since there is no tone or feeling reflected over text or social media, we make up our own.  This can be dangerous.

I’m committed to be a better listener.  I’m committed to seeking FIRST to understand before I expect to be understood.  If I expect my elementary-aged students to do, it has to start with me.  Imagine a world of faithful listeners where everyone’s first priority is seeking to understand others first…how powerful would that be!?!  In the words of Rachel Naomi Remen, “The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention...A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words.”   Let’s all try it today!  Be an attentive and active listener with the intent to understand, not just reply, and let me know how it goes!

When my son was a toddler I would throw him these huge birthday parties…his friends, our friends, lots of chaos.  The first year we did this, he spent most of the party hiding under the table and cried when we sang happy birthday.  I thought…what is wrong with you?  You’re being rude to your friends…how can you not be enjoying this?  The second year as he hid under the table I thought…what is wrong with me?  He is obviously not enjoying this at all…is it HIS party or MY party?  We never had any more “birthday parties” after that. He might have a few friends spend the night or out to dinner with the grandparents but parties were a thing of the past.  It was in that moment watching him hiding and truly miserable that the idea of introverts and extroverts began to apply to my life.  I realized I was trying to make my introverted son an extrovert like me and doing all kinds of damage in the process.

I like the way my sister describes it best.  She is a career counselor at a large university.  Her title and responsibilities are much more impressive than that, but that’s her passion.  Helping students find their calling in life and she is very well versed in personality testing. (Go check out her blog!).  She says to think of yourself as an iPod.  You are down to 1% left on your battery and you need to recharge.  Do you recharge by being around lots of people and action (extrovert) or do you recharge in solitude and quiet (introvert)?  

I’ve always been on the extrovert side.  As a child I loved people and parties and being the center of attention.  In high school I was very social and outgoing.  I was a bubbly and energetic cheerleader with no qualms performing at a pep rally in front of the whole school.  I ran for class offices and served on committees and I was always where the party was.  The more the merrier and my social calendar couldn’t be full enough.  In college I felt a tiny shift.  The sorority I was in felt a bit overwhelming at times and I stuck mostly with a small group of friends but I still had a very active social life.  I could small talk with the best of them and be extremely charming when need be.  In my 30’s I felt another shift.  I wasn’t as comfortable around people I didn’t know. Once I got to know someone they would be surprised at how nice I was and easy to talk to because their first impression of me was sometimes stand-offish or even snobbish.  My husband and I still entertained and went out a lot but I found myself hiding in the bathroom at times just to get a breather and regroup. The large groups felt stifling.  I found my large circle of friends dwindling a bit and preferred a smaller group.  I took a personality test at this point and found I was 50/50 introvert versus extrovert.  I was teetering on the line and easily swayed depending on the day or my mood.  I believe I officially made the leap to being an introvert in my 40’s.  Small talk is torture for me, but a one-on-one conversation with the same person becomes meaningful and sincere.  My job requires me to use every ounce of “extrovertism” I have left, so my free time is spent mostly on activities that don’t require company.  I read, write, go the movies, walk.  I crave alone time.  I need quiet because my mind is so loud.  I still do lots of happy hours and socializing but it’s almost always one-on-one or in a small group.  I used to be an open book, but I do much more listening now and much less talking.  

Most of us possess a little bit of each side to us but the research I’ve seen says that extroverts make up anywhere from 50-75% of the population.  I believe that introverts are misunderstood by many.  So, on behalf of introverts everywhere, this is what I want you to know.  I’m definitely not shy, I just don’t always interact for the sake of interacting. When I’m quiet, I’m not mad or upset or depressed or pouting, I’m just listening…and I enjoy that.  I have strong social skills and I enjoy socializing as much as anyone, but when the party is over and my extrovert friends want to keep it going, you will find me home in my pajamas.  It’s not that I didn’t have fun or I don’t enjoy your company because I do, I just need to recharge.  My circle of close friends may seem small to you, but I like it that way. They are made up of people who are loyal, compassionate and sincere.  I do like to have fun!  Sometimes it will be in the same ways my extroverted friends do and other times it may be in ways that seem boring to you.  There will be times you find me on the dance floor with endless energy but there will also be times getting carried away in a good book sounds just as fun. 
Some of my closest friends would be considered extroverts.  We treasure each other for who we are and try not to take personally the things that make us different.  My extroverted friends make sure I don’t become a hermit and lead me outside my comfort zone from time to time, while I rein them in and encourage them to slow down and take time for themselves.  I might even get them to read a book or two!

I don’t know how long this phase of introversion will last for me as I believe you can transition from one to another throughout our many life stages.  Looking back, I’ve probably been more “ambivert” (someone who falls in the middle of the spectrum) than either of the other two, but I also had a misconception that in order to be “fun” you had to be extroverted.  But what I do know, it that today I’m an introvert and I couldn’t be happier.

What about you?  Do you consider yourself an introvert, extrovert or ambivert?  Have you found you’ve transitioned from one to another throughout your life?  I’d love to hear what you think!

If you've been following my blog from the beginning, you know that part of my inspiration for this journey came from a stray cat that showed up at our house last summer.  Here is that post.  I wouldn't go as far as to say Sadie became part of our family, but more like she became part of me.  Unfortunately, as unexpectedly as she came, she's gone.  I have not seen her for two weeks.  That's not a good sign.  She has waited at the back door every morning for a year for her breakfast and every evening for her dinner.  She would be sunning on the porch every afternoon when I got home from work and asleep in the garage or on the porch every night before I went to bed.  She has stayed away for a day sometimes, but I don't believe she would purposely stay away this long.  This is the first time I've really talked about it, because I felt like if I said it out loud or wrote it down that it would make it real and I wasn't ready for that until now.  Sadie deserves a good-bye.

When I think about what that sweet cat taught me, three lessons come immediately to mind.

Be open to new things...I hated cats.  Period.  I have never owned a cat, paid no mind to any cats that might be pets of my friends, and did my best to avoid cats at all costs.  I have no idea why.  I just thought I didn't like them.  "I'm a dog person" I would say to everyone.  I'm not really sure why I felt you either needed to be a "dog person" or a "cat person" and you couldn't be both, but that's beside the point.  She taught me to be open to new ideas and even old ideas that may not be true to who I am anymore.  By loving her, I realize I never hated cats, I just never gave them a chance.  I was never open to the idea and had a pre-conceived notion about something I knew nothing about it.  I think about how many other things in my life I haven't given a chance because I have already made a judgment based on a past experience or memory or even because I'm afraid.  (And yes, I will be trying yogurt today.  I have in my head I hate yogurt so I have refused to try it my entire adult life.  I have a yucky look on my face right now even thinking about it, but considering I don't actually have a memory of ever eating it and not liking it, I think I've created the whole thing in my head!  I'll keep you posted!)

A simple life is a happy life...As with most animals, she didn't need much to be happy.  She just wanted to be fed, a safe place to sleep, and a little attention here and there.  That's it.  I tried to buy her some fancy cat toys one time but she looked at me like "Girl...really?" and never touched them.  She was happy with the sun on her face and the peace that came with knowing she was safe...that she didn't need to look over her shoulder all the time.  I do believe she was genuinely happy this past year and that definitely brings me some comfort.  And I agree with her, a simple life is a happy life.  The more "stuff" I accumulate in my house and even in my mind, only makes my life feel cluttered.  I don't need it.  She has inspired me to simplify.

We all want to belong, to feel connected...As independent as Sadie was, she still wanted to belong to something...to our family.  She wanted to feel loved and she wanted to feel connected to something bigger than herself.  One day when I wasn't feeling well and I was in bed all day, Todd brought her into the house and put her in the bed with me.  She never left my side.  She wanted to be touching me the whole time.  We all need that human touch.  We all need to feel loved.  We all want to belong.  There's not a person out there, no matter how independent and strong, that doesn't have these basic needs.  We should always remember that.

If Sadie is still alive, I hope she's found a loving home and I will always be looking for to show up again.  If she's not, I just hope there was no suffering and she is looking down on me from a very happy place.  We had a very special connection.  I always felt like she was watching me...looking after me.  And there were times this year, I needed to feel like someone was watching out for me.  She brought me comfort, she showed me love, and she gave me inspiration.  I will be forever grateful.  Dr. Seuss says "Don't cry because it's over.  Smile because it happened."  I'm smiling Sadie, I'm smiling.

I am so thrilled to be spending this week at the beach with two of my best friends from college.  It has been much too long.  I have seen them each individually over the years but the last time we were all three together was 10 years ago at my dad’s funeral.  The last time we did a girls’ only trip was probably for one of our bachelorette parties 20 years ago.  Like I said, it’s been much too long.  Someone asked me if I was nervous about the trip since it has been many years since we have all been together.  I was a little surprised because it never even occurred to me to be nervous.  I’ve been way too busy being ridiculously excited! 

I met Mary Beth and Kari in college.  We were all pledging Kappa Delta sorority and became fast and forever friends.  (Picture is from a sorority formal!)  They were bridesmaids in my wedding, and I in theirs.  Much has happened in each of our lives since those days and I’m not sure if any of us would have predicted where we would be in life some 20 years later…many blessings and much happiness, but also plenty of disappointments and buckets of tears.  As many friends do, we have gone through periods of losing touch, sometimes even for years.  But as all true friends do, once we get back in touch, we pick up right where we left off. The friendship is familiar, supportive, comfortable, and easy.

When I think about my friends, I think about the saying…Make new friends but keep the old, for one is silver and the other is gold.  All of my friends are priceless to me and they each hold a special place in my heart. They each fulfill a unique need in my life as well.  Some I call when I need a good listener.  Some I call when I need a good laugh.  Some share a love of movies with me, while others share my love of books.  Some I call when I want to be philosophical and deep, while other times I want a different friend because I know it will never get philosophical and deep!  Some know the ins and outs of my day and love my kids as their own, while others do not really know my kids
at all, but know me in a way my current friends do not, because they grew up with me.  Some I talk work with, while others may not even know what I do for a living, because our common ground is something much different.  Some know me from the inside out, while others just know what they see. I need them all though.  They each serve a purpose.

While I could not survive without my current friends, I feel a connection to my
childhood/college friends that can never be replaced.  They know ME. Many don’t
know me as a wife or as a mother, they knew me at a time when my only identity
was just Paige.  I miss that sometimes.  Research shows that remembering happy times from your past is a great way to boost your happiness in the present.  Maintaining friendships from all stages of your life can have a real effect on your current happiness.  But let’s get real, it’s hard to do.  I’ve done a terrible job.  I can barely carve out time for a lunch date with my mom who lives in the same town! 
This is why this trip is so important to me.  It’s non-negotiable.  No matter what came up last minute with my family, this trip was non-negotiable and they respected that.  I need to do this more often.  My high school friends and I are in the preliminary talks of trying to find a weekend to get together.  We have not all been together for 20 years either.  My wedding was the last time I saw some of them.  I’ve already decided, that trip will be non-negotiable also.  If it’s  planned, I will be there.

So five days at the beach with two of my best friends!  How lucky am I?  And I’m
packing light…I’ve got a beach chair, a bathing suit, bottles of wine and portable wine glasses for the beach…what more do old friends need?!

I spent time with a friend recently who was extremely hurt by unkind comments made by someone about her.  The person saying the hurtful things wasn’t considered a friend, per say, but more of a close acquaintance in which no ill feelings were thought to exist.  My heart ached for my friend because I could see the profound impact the harsh words had on her.

We’ve all been there.  Heard something someone has said about us and felt the fire in our belly or the sting of tears as we try to make sense of it.  It might be a close friend, a co-worker, an acquaintance whom we exchange polite conversation with in the community, or even a family member.   No matter who it is, if we are not expecting it, the hurt is the same.  It’s painful.  We take it very personally, and why wouldn’t we?!  They are talking about us!  Strangely enough though, it’s really not personal.  Most of the time, what people say about you is a reflection of them, not you. 

Sadly, we’ve also all been THAT person.  The person that says something callous about someone thinking it will never get back (but it always does), or saying something hoping it will get back so someone else can do our dirty work.  Maybe our words are said in a flash of anger, in a fit of jealousy, or even after one too many drinks.  Whatever the reason, once words are spoken, they can never be taken back.  People may forgive you, but they will never forget how you made them feel.  I can’t tell you how many times I have hurled angry, hurtful words in the heat of a moment and regretted them as soon as they left my lips.  Sometimes spoken directly to the person I’m upset with, while sometimes spoken behind their back.  Either way, once said, they could not be retrieved and the damage was done.  In retrospect, most of my “reasons” for talking about someone stemmed from my own jealousy and insecurity.  It really wasn't "personal".

This year I’ve been using an image I got off Pinterest with my students…

Secretly, I’ve been using it myself as well.  I have this framed in my office and have glanced at it many times while I’ve been on the phone or talking with someone.  I’m amazed at how many times it has stopped me from saying something that was not true, not helpful, not inspiring, not necessary, or just not kind.  As you can imagine, I’ve had to stay silent quite a bit!

The bottom line is this…whether it’s a 6 year-old student crying over another child calling them ugly, or a 56 year-old friend crying over gossip, rumors and hurtful words, the lesson is the same.  Realize the power your words have and remember they can never be reclaimed.  What you say lightheartedly to a group of people, can have lasting effects on the person you are talking about.  Treat others the way you want to be treated and if you don’t have anything nice to say, say nothing at all.  Most importantly, THINK before you speak.  It’s a lesson we can all benefit from.

I have been fortunate enough to have made a lot of great friends in my lifetime… a diverse assortment of wonderful characters filling up the pages of the book of my life.  Whether a friend is only in one chapter, or if they have shown up in many chapters along the way, each one holds a very special place in my heart.  Even friends I no longer keep in touch with, or only knew for a short time, play an important role in my own life story.

There was a time when I needed an abundance of friends.  I made it a priority to keep in touch with lots of people, to reach out, to plan things, to spend time.  My husband and I were constantly with friends…trips, nights out, house parties, cookouts, events of some sort.  Then life happened.  Our kids grew up and had busy, active lives outside of us.  Work demands grew.  Money was tight.  Life responsibilities created more stress.  Marriages were splitting up.  Parents were dying.  Friends were moving.  What once seemed to be an easy task of keeping in touch became hard.  And we were all changing.

In the last few years, I’ve started taking a hard look at my friendships.  I was not so much interested in the quantity of my friends any longer, but in the quality of the friendships.  I didn’t care about being cool, or exciting, or perfect anymore.  What I did care about was surrounding myself with people who lift me up, who support me, who make time for me, who bring out the best in me, who make me feel cherished.  Friends who are in my corner no matter what, even if my interests are far from interesting to them...they are my biggest cheerleader.  Friends who accept my faults as part of who I am, but also don’t hesitate to call me out when I’m not being the best me.  Friends who are not jealous, judgmental, or selfish.  Friends who have substance.  It’s quite a list…do friends like this even exist? 

Yes, they do, and I have some of the best of them.  Not a lot, but enough for me.  The most eye opening aspect of taking this inventory of my friendships was to realize what a poor friend I had been to some people over the years.  Friends I was jealous of, friends I didn’t support when they needed me, friends I didn’t make time for.  Some of those people are long gone, but others are still in my life and that thankfully gives me a second chance to work on BEING the kind of friend I want to have. 

Sadly though, as we take this inventory, most of us will notice toxic friends in our life.  People who may have the best intentions, but they complicate your life.  Being their friend is just exhausting.  It sucks the life out of you.  I came across a great blog post about toxic friends written by Angel from the blog Marc and Angel Hack Life.  The full post is here  http://www.marcandangel.com/2013/04/16/10-signs-your-friend-is-toxic/#more-530 but in the article she offered 10 signs you may be in a toxic friendship.

What Toxic Friends Do

1. They drain you. – You feel psychologically and emotionally depleted after spending time with them, instead of uplifted. 
2. They are unsupportive. – You’re afraid to tell them about new, important aspects of your life because they’ve been unsupportive or downright rude about your ideas in the past.
3. They are up to no good. – They regularly partake in activities that are morally unjust.
4. Their values and interests are opposite to your own. – Dissimilar value systems often mix like oil and water.  This doesn’t necessarily mean the other person is wrong, it just means they aren’t right for you.
5. They are unreliable. – They always break their promises.
6. They only contact you when they need something. – Otherwise you never hear from them.
7. They aren’t meeting you halfway. – If you are always the one calling your friend to make plans and going out of your way to be with them, but they never return the favor and attempt to go out of her way for you, there’s a problem.
8. They are jealous of you. – Jealousy is:  “I want what you have and I want to take it away from you.”
9. They have zero ambition. – Beware; a lack of ambition can be contagious.  As the saying goes, “You can't soar like an eagle if you're hanging out with turkeys."
10. They constantly drive you to moments of insanity. – You catch yourself daydreaming about how good it would feel to throw a banana cream pie in their face!

Sometimes this friend is a bully and you’re fearful to confront the behavior.  Sometimes it’s a family member and you have no way of escaping the behavior.  And sometimes it’s just a friend that has been in your life forever and you’ve accepted this way of being treated.  Maybe YOU are the toxic friend yourself.  I certainly have been and it’s not something I’m proud of.  Bottom line is, you attract certain types of people in your life by your own behavior and your own idea of your self-worth.  To attract quality friendships, you must be willing to put the effort in to being a quality friend yourself.  If you don’t think you deserve better than “toxic friends”, that’s what you will be left with.

I’m certainly not saying if you have a friend who exhibits one of these traits, you should kick them to the curb.  There is good in all of us.  No one is perfect.  What I am saying, it that you should take a hard look at the kinds of friends you surround yourself with, the kind of friend YOU are being, and that you don’t sell yourself short.  Angel discusses in her blog ways to end toxic friendships if you feel that’s the best choice for you, but sometimes it may be about taking a step back.  Setting boundaries so these friends don’t deplete all your energy.  Putting you first and learning how to stand up for yourself.  Remember though, there are many loving, kind, unselfish, compassionate people out there.  You may have to step outside your comfort zone to find them, but you will be so happy you did.  Life is short.  Time is precious.  Each day is a gift.  Spend your days with people who make you happy and leave the drama to someone else.  It’s been said you become like the five people you spend the most time with.  Have you chosen carefully?