I’m scared a lot.  I try to be brave, I pretend to be brave, I fake brave.  But I’m not.  Sometimes I feel like I live in a constant state of fear…fear of the unknown, fear I’m going to hurt someone I care about, fear someone is going to hurt me, fear I’m not good enough, fear I’m wasting precious time, fear I’m going to lose people I love, fear I will never be brave enough to do the things I need to do.

Everyone else seems so sure of themselves.   I often wonder,” How did they get so strong?”  Do they practice being brave?  Were they born fearless?  Did they get an extra scoop of confidence somewhere along the way?

Last night my family watched The Impossible.  If you haven’t seen it, it’s a true story about a family caught in the Tsunami while vacationing in Thailand.  It’s heart wrenching.  My daughter and I sobbed through the movie.  We held tight to each other and, without saying anything out loud, I know what we each were thinking, “What if that was us?  But thank God it wasn’t.”  During this movie full of life lessons, profound sorrow, deep love and commitment, excruciating choices, and immense bravery, it hit me.  You don’t practice bravery.  You are not necessarily born with it and no one hands it out in extra scoops.  You just are.  You have no choice.  This family was incredibly brave as they fought to stay alive and find each other in the aftermath of utter devastation, but bravery comes in all shapes and sizes.  You are as brave as you need to be in any given moment.  Winnie the Pooh was right…I am braver than I believe.  I am brave enough.

I’m brave enough to share my feelings with the world through this blog, knowing that someone is out there judging each word.  I’m brave enough to come to a job each day that, although fulfilling, can be extremely sad and scary.  I’m brave enough to bring two children into this world and devote myself to being a good mother to them.  I’m brave enough to admit when I’m wrong and to say I’m sorry.  I’m brave enough to realize something is no longer in my control and I must let go.  I’m brave enough to stand up for ideas and people I believe in, but I’m also brave enough to be open to another point of view.  And I’m surrounded by brave people I admire every day.  Not particularly “Tsunami-size” bravery, but “every day” bravery that keeps them moving forward when there are times they want to give up.  I want them to know I notice and I’m proud.  I hope I’m never tested like the mother in The Impossible, but I do hope when faced with tough times ahead, I’ll always feel brave enough.

  I was talking with a co-worker recently about some things going on in her personal life.  As we finished the conversation, she laughed and said “Why didn’t anyone tell us how hard life was going to be?” 

I’ve thought about this a lot in my own life.   We parade the good stuff every chance we get, but the tough stuff…the painful stuff…the real stuff we keep hidden away.  We don’t talk about that stuff. Maybe we are worried we will be judged.  Maybe we are worried if anyone sees a crack in our “wall” they will chip away at it further.  Maybe we are embarrassed.  Maybe we just don’t want to admit to the bad stuff, even to ourselves.  But we all have it and if we are not struggling right now, we’ve struggled in the past or our struggles are waiting for us somewhere down the line.  No one gets a free pass.

So here is what I wish someone had said to my 20-year-old self…this is what I wish I knew about life.

Life is a road trip.  You will start off excited, full of hope, full of dreams, and endless possibilities.  Throughout your trip there will be times you will lose that hope, you will stop dreaming and you see no possibilities in sight.  Hang in there, search harder, keep hoping…these feelings won’t last.  This journey will take you through many terrains.  Some are dull and boring, while others will be exciting cities with bright lights and endless parties.  As you keep traveling, you will hit barren patches, sometimes with no signs of life.  At times you will feel like you are on a road so narrow you don’t seem to fit and one wrong move might send you over the high cliffs beside you.  But hold on to the steering wheel with both hands and put every ounce of energy you have to stay on the road.  As you come off the cliffs, you will be white knuckled, tired and stressed but you will end up at some of the most breathtaking landscape you’ve ever seen.  Stay there a while and rest.

You will find a traveling partner along the way.  You plan for this to be your partner for the rest of the trip.  There will be times you sit side by side and feel such joy and awe at what you see as you travel along.  Other times though, one partner gets tired so they go in the back and nap while the other has to carry the load of the drive.  You will switch places often.  There will be times you don’t want to travel with this person anymore.  You may want to travel alone.  You need the windows down, the wind in your hair and the radio blaring and you might even take a break from traveling together.  You may decide the journey is better alone…only you know your own truth…or you realize there is nothing more satisfying than sharing this journey with your partner.  It just wouldn’t be the same without them.   Kids may join your road trip.  It will give the trip new meaning and you will see the journey through a fresh set of eyes, but they will also make the trip more complicated.  You will find yourself exhausted.  But you will feel such a mix of pride and grief when they don’t show up for the trip one day because they’ve started road trips of their own.

You will meet so many special people along the way.  Some will travel with you and be part of your journey until the end, while others you will only know for a short time.  Some, you will meet briefly, but will show up again somewhere down the road.  Meet as many people as you can but try not to grieve when they go their own way.  They have served their purpose in your life and new friends and new lessons await you at the next stop.  Some people you meet will not be nice, but they have a lesson to teach you as well.  Most though, will be kind and generous and loving and be just what you need for that leg of the trip.  Cherish each one you meet and remember to send postcards along the way.

Although there will sickness and sadness on this trip, there will also be new beginnings and miracles.  You will laugh, you will cry, you will love, you will lose.  There might come a time you don’t want to be on the trip anymore.  You have lost your way and you don’t know how to get back to the main road.  You want to give up.  Don’t.  You might need to call for help, but keep driving and one day you will look on the side of the road and see something familiar, something that brings a smile and you will know you are back on track.  Some days the best you can do is just show up.  That’s ok too.  But always be grateful for this trip, many are not so lucky.  

As the trip ends, you and your partner will hold hands and smile and laugh as you reminisce over the memories of the trip.  Sometimes the “worst” parts of the trips turn out to be the ones that taught you the most, because without the difficult parts, you wouldn’t be able to appreciate the easy and beautiful parts.  You will finally decide it’s time to pull over.  When you get somewhere to rest, all of your friends and family will be there to meet you.  They will want to hear all about your trip and they will share parts of theirs.  And you will encourage your partner to continue with the trip alone or find another traveling partner because your part of the trip is over.  Or maybe it’s you that must learn to travel alone. 

You only get one road trip and it will fly by.  Don’t waste a minute of it.  Don’t get so weary from your travels you forget to laugh, to have fun, and to try new things.  Don’t let fear of the unknown stop you from exploring, from dreaming, from being adventurous.  Don’t spend too much time remembering past stops or worrying about future destinations, enjoy the moment in front of you.  Don’t have regrets.  Each stop on your journey has served a purpose.  And finally, don’t believe that happiness is a destination you are driving towards on your journey.  Happiness is the road trip itself.  Take it all in…each person, each moment, each landscape.  Always be present.  So as you prepare for your own road trip, pack lightly, put your sunglasses on, get your camera ready, buckle up and hold on tight!  You are in for the ride of your life…make it one to remember!

We have an unusually long summer break this year…a little over 3 months in fact.  The reason for the longer-than-usual break is to give the County time to finish the new high school.  Although we will make up for the break next year (we only get 2 months off next summer), I plan to enjoy every moment of it!  I will be out of town for about a month this summer spending time with all kinds of my favorite friends and family, but I am determined to use the rest of the time to do some things that I have either never done, or it has been years since I’ve done.  So, I created a summer bucket list. 

I have lived in Blacksburg my whole life.  When you live somewhere forever, you tend to start taking for granted all of the beauty and attractions an area like ours has to offer.  I never make the time to enjoy the things a visitor might, because I know I can do these things any time.  The problem is, I don’t ever take the time to do them.  So, I plan to change that this year!  Here is my personal summer bucket list…

1.        Pick berries at 3 Birds Berry Farm (formally Crow’s Nest) in Blacksburg
www.3birdsberryfarm.com
I’m embarrassed to say, I’ve never done this.  You can pick your own blueberries, blackberries and raspberries…YUM!

2.        Hike the Cascades in Giles County
www.gilescounty.org/cascades.html
I have done this many times, but it has been way too long.  It’s a 4 mile round-trip hike to one of the most beautiful waterfalls in Virginia.  Note there is a $3 fee per vehicle…this is new since I was last there if that tells you how long it’s been!

3.        Hike Virginia’s Triple Crown…Dragons Tooth, McAfee’s Knob and Tinker Cliffs
I have never really hiked before so this may be wishful thinking, but you have to dream big!

McAfee Knob is a 8.3 mile hike in Catawba that they say takes approximately 4 hours to complete.  It has a difficulty of 3/5 and seems to be a good way to start my hiking adventures.
www.hikingupward.com/jnf/McAfeeKnob/

Dragon Tooth is a 5.7 mile hike in Catawba that they also say takes roughly 4 hours to complete.  It has a difficulty of a 4/5 so we will see how I do!
www.hikingupward.com/jnf/dragonstooth/

Tinker Cliffs is a 7.7 mile hike in Mount Union (about an hour drive) that again takes about 4 hours to hike.  The difficulty level is again a 4/5 and they say it’s brutal for beginners, so this will be last on my list!
www.hikingupward.com/JNF/TinkerCliffsAndyLayneTrail/

4.       Go the Friday Night Jamboree at The Floyd Country Store
www.floydcountrystore.com/stage/jamboree-schedule
I have wanted to do this for 20 years!  The March, 2000 issue of Country Living magazine identified the Floyd County Store as one of the two best places in the country to hear bluegrass music (the other place was a club in New York City).  Show starts at 6:30 and ends around 10:30.  Cost for admission is $5. 

5.       Eat at The Homeplace Restaurant in Catawba
www.facebook.com/pages/The-Homeplace-Restaurant/115564841808913
I could not find a website, so this is their facebook page to learn more.  I’ve eaten here before, but it’s been a LONG time!  My mouth is watering already!

6.        Spend a day on the Blue Ridge Parkway
www.blueridgeparkway.org/
I’ve done this once or twice, but hope to go on a gorgeous day with the top down on my jeep and enjoy the scenery!  And maybe some pancakes from Mabry Mill!

7.       Canoe on the New River
www.newriverjunction.com/
The river makes me nervous, but Todd and I did this one time (pre-kids!) and had a blast!  If I can’t canoe, tubing will suffice!  It’s been a while since I even did that!

8.       See a movie at Starlite Drive-In in Christiansburg
www.starlitedrivein.info/
One of my favorite things to do and it’s been YEARS since I’ve been.  Not only am I going to go, but I’m going to fill the back of Todd’s truck with lots of blankets and pillows and watch it from the bed of his truck!

9.       Take advantage of the tons of amazing live music this area has to offer
www.nextthreedays.com/
There is so much live music going on in this area and especially in Blacksburg.  Whether it’s at one of the local restaurants/bars or an outdoor event, I’m determined to make it out to some shows!  I’m starting June 1 with the Blue Ridge Music Festival in Salem…very excited!

10.   Have brunch at Mountain Lake in Giles County
http://www.mtnlakelodge.com/
Once again, something I haven’t done in years.  The drive alone is beautiful!

I also have some silly, personal ones too…

1.        Drink some Boones Farm wine by a bonfire
2.       Have a cornhole tournament party
3.       Go fishing, but more importantly, catch one!
4.       Spend at least one day jet skiing or boating on the lake
5.       Have a reunion bowling day with my bowling team (we came in last place by the way! Haha!)
6.       See lots of movies
7.       Walk around the Virginia Tech campus, downtown Blacksburg and visit the Farmer’s Market
8.       Go to a wine tasting
9.       Try some new restaurants I’ve never been to
10.   READ!

Shew!  I’ve got my work cut out for me!  What’s on your bucket list this summer?  What should I be adding to mine?  Who wants to join me?  I’ll keep you posted with updates and pictures to see how I’m doing!  Keep me posted on yours as well!

Summer is approaching!!  This weather might make us doubt that from time to time, but in my future I see beaches and pools, I smell suntan lotion, I taste a cold drink, and I feel the hot sun.  I also see a doctor’s appointment to check a mole on my chest that doesn’t look so good.  Very few things in life can just be great without having some kind of side effect or consequence to be worried about…including the sun.  For at least two decades I worshiped the sun.  I couldn’t find enough baby oil to slather on my body and burning off one layer of skin just meant it was time to start tanning the next layer.  I’ve gotten much better over the years…I try to use good sunscreen and I have an annual body check for moles, but I still love the sun and I still love a good tan.  It just makes me feel better.

As I was making a doctor’s appointment to have my mole checked, I was reminded of the first chapter I wrote for the novel I thought I was going to finish several years ago (I never did!).  This chapter of the novel is called “Fat Looks Better Tan” and I thought it was a fitting tribute to precede my appointment with the dermatologist.  Here it is…maybe some of you moms out there can relate! (Hopefully just to the tanning part!)

Chapter 1

“But fat looks so much better tan!” 

Had I really just said that to my dermatologist?  The man who just meticulously checked every spot, freckle, and mark on my almost naked body and found “suspicious spots”.  The man who just espoused the most prolific motivational speech on why the sun is so damaging to our very delicate skin.  Most importantly, the man who had very kindly refrained from saying “at your age” during any part of the exam.  What was I thinking?  I reminded myself that I am 40 years old, have a masters degree, and make a living teaching others to accept their bodies and that’s the best I could come up with??  Dr. Miller stared at me with a look of disbelief and all I could do was stammer “but it’s true” in the slightest whisper.

Dammit, it is true!  And at my age you’re looking for all the help you can get!  Dr. Miller ignored me and continued his line of questioning on my necessity of spending so much time at the pool and in the sun.  “But I’m finally a magazine mom!” I blurted out.  He sighed and paused, deciding if it was worth continuing this conversation.  “Please Maggie, don’t leave me hanging, what exactly is a magazine mom?” he asked.  “You know, the mom at the pool who finally has kids old enough she can sit in a chair and read magazines all day.”  I was feeling more than a little foolish at this point and even though that little voice was telling me to shut the hell up, I just kept going.  “It’s a step up from manic mom.”  He looked a bit intrigued so I continued.  “Those are the moms who chase toddlers all over the pool and shout for them to stay away from the edge, only taking breaks to check on the crying baby sweating in a carseat underneath the sacred umbrella they were able to score by being the first one at the pool.”   Thank god I’m done with those days I thought to myself.  Bobby is twelve and Lacie is ten, and although I miss many things about them as babies and toddlers, running after them in my post-baby body at the pool was certainly not one of them.  Dr. Miller smiled a “I-feel-sorry-for-her-husband” smile and ordered me to enjoy being a magazine mom with a hat and plenty of sunscreen.  He’d see me in a couple of months to follow-up on my “suspicious” spots.

I left Dr. Miller’s office with as much dignity as possible when your skin is permeated with black sharpie.  I immediately fumbled in my purse for my cell phone.  It had been an entire hour since I had last checked it and I felt the withdrawal forming.  With a rush of excitement I checked for any missed calls, voice mails, text messages, emails or facebook status updates!  I was blown away by the text message that awaited me…”Hey stranger!  Remember me??”  I sat in my car and stared aimlessly for what felt like an eternity.  I hadn’t seen that number in over five years.  It was my ex-husband’s number.  Dylan had been the love of my life.  That doesn’t sound so bad except for the unfortunate fact that my ex-husband is dead.

Maybe someday I’ll finish the novel, but for now I’ll just continue to love my sun, check my moles, and tan my fat…with lots of sunscreen of course!

Many people ask what I do as an Elementary School Counselor.  They wonder what kinds of problems kids this age could possibly have.  Without going into detail, let me assure you, some of them are dealing with things you and I could never even imagine.  My first year completely blew me away.  I had no idea the issues I would end up hearing about on a day to day basis.  I was traumatized.  Sadly, after many years of doing this, these days I just feel numb.

One of the hardest problems for me to talk with kids about, is when a parent has made a conscious choice to remove themselves from the child’s life.  How do you explain to a 6, 8 or 10 year old why they haven’t seen or heard from mom/dad for years?  How do you assure them it’s not their fault?  How do you make them feel loved while not giving them false hope of reconciliation some day?  I still don’t have the answers.  I remember vividly the first child I tried to counsel through this.  It was my first year counseling and he was a first grader whose dad had left about a year prior.  Before he left, dad and son were very close.  Since his departure, son had not heard from dad…not even once.  It truly broke my heart.  There were no books to read to him…all I had in my library of resources were books about divorce where both parents were still involved.  I didn’t know what to do, how to help him, or how to comfort him.  I obviously spent a lot of time listening to him, but I ended up creating a “book” for him.  At the end of the book I attached a 12”x12” piece of really soft, fuzzy material.  (Let me note here that I see as many absent mothers as I do fathers, this book was just made specifically for that child.)

Unfortunately, I am seeing more and more of these types of children each year.  I’ve seen two just this week.  I recently pulled out a copy of the book I made for that first grader so many years ago to begin to use again.

Do You Ever Miss Me Dad?

Hi, my name is Sam,
And I am eight!
From the outside looking in,
My life looks pretty great!

I go to school,
I like to play,
I have lots of friends,
And most days are okay.

But worries I have,
And my troubles I want to share,
With kids like you,
Who would never, ever dare…

Tell anyone how you really feel,
How lonely and mad,
Scared, confused,
and just plain sad.

So, I am here to talk to you,
To be your trusted friend,
To share my very own story,
From the beginning to the end.

You see, my parents are not together,
Haven’t been for a year or so,
I live only with my mom,
As for my dad… I really don’t know.

He stopped coming around,
His calls eventually faded,
My birthday came and went,
And I felt really hated.

I didn’t understand!
Did I do something wrong?
If I had just been a better son…
If I had just tried harder all along.

I should have kept my room clean,
I should have taken care of the cat,
I should have tried to get along with my sister,
I should have found dad’s favorite hat.

I felt like I had to be the reason he left,
I felt guilty and ashamed,
I cried myself to sleep at night,
Accepting all the blame.

But then one day I realized
His leaving had nothing to do with me.
You see, sometimes grown-ups have problems
That you and I can’t see.

They can’t be the kind of parent
They really wish they were,
So they need some time away,
To learn, to grow, to be sure…

That when they do come back
They know how to show all the love they feel,
Because they really do love us,
And that love is very real.

But in the meantime,
Make sure you don’t lose sight,
Of all the other special people
Who love you with all their might.

There are aunts and mawmaws,
Teachers and pawpaws,
Coaches and brothers,
Friends and mothers.

There are so many that want
Nothing but the best for you,
So many that think you’re amazing
And so proud of all the things you do!

So, take this piece of fabric
And keep it close to your heart,
Not only as a symbol of your dad’s love,
But here’s the special part…

As a reminder that you’re not alone,
That your friend Sam knows how you feel,
That many people love you,
And your dad needs time to heal.

Start with this one piece of cloth
But ask others to add to your collection
And soon you will have a blanket made of love,
That is nothing but pure perfection!

And on those days
when you’re scared or sad,
jealous, confused,
or just plain mad,

Cuddle up with your love blanket,
hold on to it tight,
to remind yourself
how much you are loved by so many of us tonight!

Although it’s, by far, not my greatest piece of written work, it did give this child some comfort.  My only goal was to make him feel loved and hope he would not feel responsible for his dad’s crummy choice.  I wanted him to have something he could touch that symbolized the love that was all around him and reminded him of his dad’s love for him, not his leaving.

A child’s unconditional love for their parents at this age never ceases to amaze me.  It does not matter what the parent has done or how horribly they have treated the child, I have never met a child that does not still want the attention and love of their parent.  We brought them in this world, don't you think we owe them at least that?

The conversation went something like this…

Me:  My house is such a mess!

Friend:  You’ve been saying that every day since you built the house in 1994…clean it!

Me:  But I don’t want to!  I hate cleaning!

Friend:  So then don’t, but own it.  Accept the fact you’re not going to have a perfectly clean house, quit stressing about it and move on.  It’s not your thing.

Ok, my friend is right.  It’s not my thing and I have been complaining about it since 1994.  So today I’m going to own it, but I feel so alone!  And guilty…and judged…and embarrassed.  First, let me be clear in case my kids are reading this and dying of embarrassment. Our house is not disgusting (well most of the time) and I’m not like an episode of Hoarders, I’m just messy…always have been.  And I hate to clean…always have.  I tell people I was in the bathroom when God gave out the clean gene.  I was running out pulling my pants up yelling, “Wait!  I’m coming!”, but he had already finished. 

I go out of my way to try and catch someone else with a messy house.  I pop in unannounced hoping to find some shoes lying around, maybe a blanket on the floor…nothing.  I purposely go over after dinner wishing there might be some dishes in the sink or an unwiped counter…nothing.  I make excuses to walk by their bedroom just praying for an unmade bed…again nothing.  What is wrong with me?!?  I can hear some of you reading this now.  You’re saying, “Whatever.  Every time I come to your house it looks great.”  And you’re probably right…because I know you’re coming!  It’s the only time I really motivate to clean!  That’s why I entertain a lot, otherwise who knows what it would look like!

Obviously I’m capable of cleaning and I actually do a good job when I do it.  And I LOVE a clean house…makes me seriously so happy.  And the stress I feel when it’s a mess is crippling sometimes.  So why don’t I just clean it?  I don’t know.  I use the excuse I’m busy.  I work full time and most days after work I’m at a game or practice or running errands of some sort.  When I get home at 7:00 or 8:00, cleaning is the last thing I want to do.  But I know it’s an excuse.  I see other working moms as busy as I am AND still have a clean house.   Cleaning is just not a priority for me.  That’s the bottom line.

So here it is for the whole world to see…there’s a good chance my house might be a mess when you pop in.  But our house is a home.  You and your kids are welcome any time.  You don’t have to worry about scratching our hardwood floors, they are already scratched.  You don’t have to worry about spilling something on the carpet…it’s already stained.  I have paint on my jeep and kitchen table from high school paint parties.  I have scuffed up walls where the paint has come off in my kitchen from a wrestling match between a bunch of boys.  My lighting fixture hanging upstairs is broken from soccer balls being kicked back and forth.  I have dents in my garage door from hours of practicing volleyball serves.  My kitchen stool is broken from a friend laughing so hard she fell off it and it broke.  I can’t bring myself to fix it because seeing it still makes me laugh.  My coffee table legs look like half eaten corn on the cob from my “sweet” dog’s chewing problem and there are always cans of drinks all over the house from all the kids coming in and out of the house.  Even with the mess, my kids love to have friends over.  “It’s comfortable” they tell me.  “We don’t have to worry about stuff when we are here.”  And they don’t.  It’s important to my husband and I to have a house everyone feels comfortable coming to.  A house people want to hang out in and they don’t have to worry about breaking something or ruining something…it’s all just stuff and nothing so valuable it can’t be replaced.

But I still struggle.  I’m still extremely jealous of all of you with clean houses.  Even though my husband and kids are more than capable of cleaning (and they do), somewhere deep inside I still feel like it’s “my job” to keep a clean house and it’s a reflection of me when it’s not.  Even though my husband tells me not to worry about it, it’s just who we are, I still worry.  I still get embarrassed, I still feel like a failure.  Although I feel alone in this battle, statistics say I’m far from alone.  Workingmother.com conducted a survey and found that 68% of readers felt significantly or strongly guilty about their not-clean-enough homes.  They felt more guilt over that than spending enough time with their kids.  Why are we so hard on ourselves?  We live in a different time than our mothers did.  Life is busier and busier but our standards and expectations are becoming higher…we feel the pressure to do it all, and do it well.  I can’t keep up so I’m cutting myself some slack.   Come over and have a glass a wine with me, messy house or not.  I promise to have enough wine on hand you won’t even remember the mess!!

It’s Mother’s Day weekend and I am lucky to be surrounded by some incredible moms.  They are great role models and each possesses amazing strengths I strive to emulate on a daily basis.  I have a wonderful support group of women who understand how hard it can be to be a mom.  They listen to me, they love me and they treat my kids as their own.  Like I said, I’m lucky indeed.

What makes me most fortunate though, is to still have my own mom in my life.  I know many who are not as privileged and how much they will be missing their own moms this weekend.  Last year for Mother’s Day I wrote my mom a letter.  I want to share an excerpt of that letter as a tribute to her and to honor all moms out there who may not get the recognition they deserve.

“Things in our family have changed so much since Daddy died.  Todd made a comment one time that it was because the center “hub” in our wheel was broken which made the wheel not able to function like it should.  It left me thinking about the impact people have on our lives and sadly, we don’t always realize that impact until they are gone.

My memories of Dad are more vivid than my memories of you.  I think it’s not only because he is gone, but also because my memories of him are in his “extreme” moments.  My memories of you are the everyday ones.  You standing over the stove every single night cooking us dinner, drying the dishes at night while we talked, the matching outfits you used to make us and then as I got older, taking me school clothes shopping every year.  Getting ready for dances, decorating the house with you for Christmas, and birthday dinners you made so special.  Seeing you in the stands at everything I ever participated in, laying on your bed watching you get ready to go out, and the smell of your perfume.  Tuesday night bridge, hot chocolate after a cold day of sledding, and packing for vacations.  Spending hours going through your jewelry box, taking care of me when I was sick, and the security, stability and comfort you provided me that made me never want to be too far away from you.  I still consider your house my “home” and have been there many times, even when you didn’t know it, when I needed to go where I felt most safe.

Over the years I would call the house and if Dad answered, he would say hello, then immediately say “you want to talk to your mother?”  I would try to have a quick conversation with him, but he was right…I wanted to talk to my mom.  You have been there through many breakups and makeups, you helped me choose colleges, furnished and decorated apartments, bought the outfit for me to wear to my first job interview and went with me.  You planned my wedding and helped me set up my first home.  You were there every step of the way through my troubled pregnancies, the births of my beautiful children, and to hang out with me when they were young and I wasn’t sure what to do with them.  You provided for me in ways that were so profound, I never even though about them until I was older.  I never worried about what I was going to eat, if I had clean clothes, if the house was presentable to have friends over, if we had enough money, and never once did I doubt your love for me.

I often worry about what kind of legacy I’m leaving and what kind of impact I’ve made on the people around me.  My kids say I’m no fun and boring, but if being boring means I am giving my kids the stability, comfort, and security of my own childhood, then “boring” is my proudest legacy.  I learned it from the best.  And although Todd may be right about Dad being the “missing hub” in our wheel, the hub would serve no purpose without the many spokes attached to it.  You were all those spokes…mother, friend, wife, caregiver, fashion designer, cheerleader, researcher, banker, taxi cab driver, advocate, interior decorator, teacher, travel agent, maid, party planner, cook, nurse…and the list goes on and on.”

I love you mom!  And to all my mommy friends on this Mother’s Day weekend, I hope each of you know how much you are appreciated and valued, and the difference you make in the lives of others.  Not just in the lives of your own family, but in my life.  I watch you.  I look up to you.  I’m amazed by you.  I live by your example.  I’m in awe of you job you do every single day.  I’m humbled by the deep love and commitment you feel for your children and I’m honored to be held in your company.  And to my own kids…nothing makes me prouder than to be your mom.  So, Happy Mother’s Day!!  I hope the day is as special as you are and you are showered with all the gratitude you so rightfully deserve!

Have you ever gotten a wake-up call?  I got one the other morning…literally and figuratively. 

I was awoken by a phone call at 6:00 a.m. to let me know there was the possibility one of my children was in danger.  Wow.  Not what I was expecting.  Fortunately, it was a false alarm and it seems there was never any threat to the safety of my child, but for the several frightening hours we were unsure, one thing became crystal clear.  All the little things I had been complaining about…my dirty house, the loads of laundry, the lack of “me” time, my job, the crappy weather, the 10 lbs I can’t seem to lose…meant nothing to me.  The only thing that mattered was the safety and well being of the people I love.  This was a wake-up call.

I believe scary/sad/poignant events happen in life in order to jolt us back into reality of what’s really important.  These “wake up calls” immediately put things into perspective for us and shift our focus away from the insignificant and material things and directly on to what matters the most…people.  I value my relationships tremendously, and if you are in my life at all, you know this.  The older I get, the more this becomes true, but sometimes I just forget.  I get overwhelmed with life and start sweating the small stuff.  I lose my way a bit.  I start taking things for granted.  It takes these wake-up calls to get me back on track. 

It is human nature to take people for granted.  To expect they will always be in our life.  To think the way things are today will be the way they are forever.  We get comfortable, yet we don’t seem to notice how comfortable we’ve become with someone until we’ve lost them.  We get so used to having certain people around because they are so reliable, we don’t pay attention to how much they do for us and how much they care for us.  We think people just automatically know how we feel and therefore we don’t need to tell them.  Sadly, there are many times we treat the ones we love the most, the worst.  I am as guilty as anyone.  I don’t speak of my gratitude enough.  I don’t say enough I love yous.  I expect the people I love to be in my life forever.  Anything different, is unthinkable.

Things in our house have felt a little different since that wake-up call.  We all seem to be a little more patient with each other, a little kinder.  We seem to be staying in the same room a little longer, hugging a little tighter, and checking in a little more often.  I saw that protective mama bear come out in all of us that morning.  There was nothing we wouldn’t do to protect each other.  However, I wish it didn’t take a wake-up call to remind us what we mean to each other, to remember not to take each other for granted.  Wake-up calls are scary and sad.  So, maybe this can be your innocent, not-so-scary, not-so-sad wake-up call.  If you had one day to live, who would you call?  Who would you want to spend your last day with?  Go tell them.  Say I love you.  Make time for someone you’ve been too busy for.  Say the unspoken.  Hold on a little tighter.  Love a little deeper.  You never know what day might be your last together.

I’m tired…really tired.  I usually write a blog post on Fridays, but today I just don’t feel it.  I had thoughts going through my mind, but it seemed too hard to find the words to put them on paper.  Since I started this blog, today was the first time I’ve ever felt this way.  I know what’s wrong, I have too much in my head.  This is a really busy time for me at work and at home and the only thoughts that seem to come into my head are just “Get me through this month.”  I feel overwhelmed and that’s when I feel the anxiety and stress creep in.  I hate when I get like this.  There are things going on in my life I have no control over and other things I have not had the courage to make the changes I need to make.  These things are weighing on me.

I want serenity.  The definition of serenity is calm and untroubled; without worry, stress, or disturbance.  Ahhhh…sounds heavenly.  A day like today always leads me back to the The Serenity Prayer I have posted over my desk.  This prayer is closely associated with 12-step programs, but it was originally written by Reinhold Niebuhr in 1943. I read it often, as I’m sure most of us do, but today I really read it.  I picked it apart; sentence by sentence, word by word.  I found new meaning in it today and it helped me.  I found some peace for the first time today.  The weight didn’t seem so heavy.  My troubles seemed not so important.

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace.

Taking, as He did, this sinful world
As it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
If I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonable happy in this life
And supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.

Amen.

Maybe this will help you today.  Maybe you are having a day like mine.  Maybe you are having trouble accepting things you can’t change.  Maybe you haven’t found the courage to make changes that need to be made.  Maybe you are not living in the moment.  Maybe you find yourself in the past or in the future much too often.  Maybe you are struggling to accept the hardships that have come your way.  Maybe appreciating things the way they are is proving challenging for you.  Maybe your expectation of happiness is leaving you disappointed.  Maybe your faith in a higher power has been shaken.  Or maybe you will just print this and keep it close by for when you have one of those days.

My personal idea of serenity is lying on the beach listening to the waves crash or sitting on my porch appreciating the amazing view I have.  It’s where I feel most calm and most untroubled.  Luckily for me, I plan to spend a good portion of my summer at the beach and the remaining time doing nothing in the comfort of my home.  Where do you find serenity?  I would love to hear about it!