I have this “friend”. I tell her everything.  Recently though, I’m realizing she is not a very good friend.  In fact, she’s the worst friend I have.  Here is a sampling of some of our conversations…

Me:  I lost a pound this week.
Friend:  A pound?  Seriously? You’ve been drinking spinach like someone is paying you by the leaf and getting up at some ungodly hour every morning to work out and you only lost one pound???  That sucks!  I’d give up on that!

Me:  I forgot the one paper I needed for my meeting today.
Friend:  How can you be so stupid and forget that?!
 
Me:  Catie didn’t have what she needed clean for volleyball this morning. I feel bad.
Friend:  You should feel bad!  You are lazy and unorganized and you really need to figure out how to get your shit together!!  Other working parents get it done…why can’t you?

Me:  How do I look? (after getting ready for an evening out)
Friend:  Tired and old.  The 40’s have seriously not been kind to you.  I’d ask for a do-over.
 
I know what you’re thinking.  You are thinking why in the world would I have a friend like this and why would I ever let someone speak to me this way.  I’m wondering the same thing.

The saddest part of this story is that this “friend” is me.

If you follow LimitlessLessons on Facebook you know I post a lot of quotes.  Some have a very personal meaning to me, others I just love the message, while a handful stick with me and speak to me in a very profound way. This one stuck with me…

It’s a simple quote but I couldn’t get it out of my head.  As those who know me are well aware, I think A LOT.  I have been known to create stories in my head that could win an Academy Award.  I tend to think I know what others are thinking and feeling when in reality I have no idea.  I have a hard time having relationships with people who don’t communicate well because if you don’t tell me what you are thinking or feeling, I’ll just make it up in my own head.

I’ve actually gotten much better about this, but what I have not gotten better about, is how I talk to myself.  I would never tolerate anyone else talking to me the way I talk to myself sometimes.  If someone spoke to my child or mother or best friend the way I speak to myself, I’d be outraged.  So why is it ok for us to treat ourselves in ways we would never allow others to treat us?

It’s not.  And I know I’m not alone out there.
 
Throughout the day, our thoughts race at a hundred miles an hour, jumping uncontrollably from one self-diminishing thought to the next without consciously registering as such. If someone else was to put us down, our senses would immediately awaken and we would probably defend ourselves. However, there is no such self-defense mechanism with negative self-talk. All this negativity is blindly absorbed and becomes that much more toxic to our lives and particularly the relationship we have with ourselves.

What are the unsupportive thoughts you hear playing on repeat in your mind right now?  What self-defeating, abusive and limiting statement is your brain trying to convince you (or have convinced you) to be true?  Here are some of the more common ones…

I’m not good enough.
I’m ugly.
I’m too fat/tall/short/young/old.
I’m stupid.
He/she’ll never love me.
I am not lovable.
I am a bad parent.
I am a horrible person.
There is something wrong with me.
I never have enough time.
I don’t deserve …
I can’t …

Again, Don’t believe everything you think.

So how do we change this?  The first step is to be aware…really pay attention to the internal voice you communicate with.  Take note of every time you say something negative to yourself. I think you’ll be surprised how often it is.  Next, start to counter those thoughts with the reverence you would give your best friend. Speak to yourself
with kindness and love.  Be the kind of friend to yourself you want others to be to you. 
Remember, you teach others how to treat you so treat yourself with all the respect, love, and compassion you deserve!  If you don’t, who will?

I was out of town this weekend, and on my way home we stopped at a McDonalds.  I had already ordered and was standing close to the register waiting on my food.  The cashier was a young boy who looked about 16 years old.  He was working hard and doing his best in the lunch crowd chaos.  Another woman had been called up to retrieve her food.  As she got her food, she made a biting comment to the young boy.  I do not know what she said, but her tone of voice made me jerk around to see what was going on.  The boy handed her the food and she asked if he had included a napkin.  He had not.  She made another comment and he went to grab the napkin for her.  She then turned to the woman next in line to order and said, “What kind of retard forgets to put in a napkin with your meal!” The boy handed her the napkins and she commented, “You are awful.”  She then proceeded to walk away, appearing to be quite proud of herself.  The cashier seemed completely unfazed by her outburst and never even flinched.  The woman ordering then said, “Honey, don’t worry, you can’t please everyone.”

Two thoughts went through my mind at that moment.  The first was mean people suck.  The second was the reaction of the young boy.  Was his complete void of any reaction to her ugliness a sign that he had to put up with that kind of behavior quite often so he is just numb to it?  If so, how sad.

Before I continue, let me say what some of you are thinking.  I know there is much good in our world…much more good than bad on most days. I know the examples of kindness, thoughtfulness and compassion are in abundance, but today I’m just sick of the meanness.

I posted this quote from Buddha recently on my LimitlessLessons Facebook page...

Life is so very difficult.  It's difficult for all of us, but especially for young people.  They may not be trying to figure out how to make a house payment or raising kids or managing a home, but they are doing something so much more important...they are developing their identities.  They are growing their self esteem.  They are figuring out their place in this world.  They are deciding if they are good enough for their dreams.  They are trying to figure out if this is a nice world or a mean world and they are looking to us adults for guidance.  They are watching what we do.  They are paying attention to how we treat people and how we handle adversity.  They are looking to us to build them up and teach them how to handle mistakes...like not putting a napkin in a stupid bag of food.

I've been watching a lot of meanness go on among young people in our social media world and it breaks my heart.  Sadly, the meanness of adults on social media and even in the real world is even worse.  I'm appalled.  When did we become a society where no one is allowed to have a differing opinion...where political and religious preferences are more important than life-long friendships..where because we are behind a computer, we feel we have the right to say anything we wish, no matter how cruel or untrue.

I was reading an article recently about Kim Kardashian (she stars in a reality show) and the pressure she is feeling from the media and public regarding all her pregnancy weight.  What I found most interesting, was not the article itself, but the comments the public wrote at the end.  The cruelty, nastiness, and malice for which some people wrote about her and her weight was something I have never seen.  Most of you are saying who cares about Kim Kardashian or maybe you don't even know who she is.  Or you are saying she thrives on all the attention, positive or negative, because that's her only claim to fame.  You are saying she signed up for this by being on a reality show and being a celebrity...you have to take the good with the bad.

You know what I say...
No human being deserves to be treated with that kind of contempt...NO ONE.

I chose this example on purpose because, although most of us really don't know her or care about her pregnancy weight, our young people do.  They are reading this and not only seeing how cruel people can be, but young girls are taking in some potentially harmful ideas about pregnancy, gaining weight and the world's judgment of anyone who struggles with their weight or does not have the ideal size 2 body.  But, even worse are the articles I have read on politics, religion, or even sports!  The callousness of how we treat people who do not share our same beliefs or meet our expectations or even make a mistake is something some of us should take a harder look at.

I'm not perfect and I have certainly had mean moments in my life, but I hope to never be that woman in McDonalds.  To her I say...was the napkin really as important as a young boy's self respect?  Shame on you.

It’s the beginning of the end…the end of summer that is.  It’s the end of lazy days and sleeping in.  It’s the end of long vacations, the sound of the waves, and the smell of suntan lotion.  It’s the end of going out to breakfast with the kids and hours spent playing with my puppy. It’s the end of a clean house, manageable laundry, and not being sure what day it is. I know the end of summer has come when I go buy my planner for the upcoming year.  I love the crisp, clean pages that will soon be colorfully marked with school schedules, meetings, sporting events, practices, appointments, and celebrations.

But many endings can be sad. At my age, I see my peers dealing with some painful endings.  The end of a marriage…the end of children living at home. ..the end of a career…the end of strong, healthy parents…the end of a friendship. 

But as we know, all endings are new beginnings in disguise.

I find some comfort in the idea that behind every painful ending, there is something new and promising waiting for us.  I am intrigued by what might be waiting ahead if I just have the courage to keep walking. The end of a marriage might be the beginning of finding your best friend.  The end of children living at home might be an exciting new chapter for you and your spouse.  The end of a career might open the door for you to follow your true passion.  The end of healthy parents might give way to a deeper relationship with them as the roles begin to reverse and the end of a friendship could lead the way to finding a new friend who understands you like no other.

Although the end of summer is a bit melancholy for me, it is also the beginning of many new things in my life as well.  It’s the start of a new school year with a new principal, new expectations, and new students.  It’s the opportunity to serve as an
advisor for Kappa Delta sorority at Virginia Tech as soon as the students arrive back. It’s the inauguration of being a parent to two kids in high school  and the excitement of new seasons for all their sports. It’s the establishment of my own journey to healthier living and a more peaceful state of mind and it’s the commencement of new challenges and opportunities for personal growth.

I don’t like change (see my post about change) so letting go of the old to make room for the new has always been challenging and frightening for me.  I'm trying not to focus on the sad endings and scary beginnings though, but to embrace all the life that comes in between.  How have you dealt with a painful ending or scary beginning in your life?  Have you made it through and are on the other side now?  How did it feel?

I have not felt like myself for the past year.  There are some mornings my body feels like a truck ran over me during the night.  I’m always tired…even after 10 hours of sleep. My pants just keep getting tighter and tighter even though I’ve changed nothing with my diet and exercise.  For a year, I’ve been chalking it up to stress. This past year has been emotionally trying for me on several fronts, the main one being my job.  This past school year was definitely the toughest one for me yet.  So I pushed through the year thinking I would feel better this summer.  I haven’t, so I finally went to the doctor.  My doctor was a bit alarmed when she saw me because I bet I’ve only been there once or twice in the past 10 years, so she took my concerns seriously.  We talked fibromyalgia.  We tested my thyroid.  She did extensive blood work.  We researched blood diseases because of all of my bruising.

I finally got my diagnosis…I’m getting old.

Seriously?!  The doctor informed me that it’s scientifically proven that women in their 40’s are always tired, hot flashes begin, and their metabolism starts to plummet. Great, I thought, let’s just add that to periods, cellulite, waxing every hair off our body, and childbirth and let’s all get in line to be a woman!  She continued by telling me I could do exactly what I’m doing right now and I would gain around 5 lbs each year.  Or I could cut out carbs and increase the intensity of my workouts to 5-6 times a week and hope to maintain through the next decade. At this point I realized she seriously was not going to give me a pill to fix this.  I complained it wasn’t fair.  Men can give up soft drinks and lose 10 lbs and women are existing on quinoa (and if you know what that is,
you know what I’m talking about!) and jump on the scale to see they’ve gained a pound!  She agreed, saying it was the male testosterone that made it easier for some men and she would happily give me some but I would probably grow a full beard.  Hmmm…skinny with a full beard or heavier with a smooth face?  I do have a pretty good razor at home…

Seriously though, I knew in that moment she was right and something had to change for me.  I’m a woman, so I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t about the number on the scale and what I look like, but for the first time it was about more than that.  It was about feeling better. 
 
I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.

If you know me at all, you know diet and exercise are not my strong points.  On most days the closest I get to a well-balanced meal is a plate of cheese fries and a glass of wine (bacon=protein, cheese=dairy, potatoes=vegetables and wine=fruit…looks good
to me!)  I recently filed a police report to try and find out who stole my endorphins because mine are missing.  Exercising for me is about as fun as childbirth.  That’s when I called Sharon from Eat Well Play More to be my health coach…to support me on this quest to be healthy and feel better.  To change my mindset from “the only thing that matters is the number on the scale” to “the only thing that matters is how I feel”. To empower me to take care of myself as well as I take care of others and to be the best me I can possibly be, no matter what the scale says.  She has the patience of a saint because my steps have been baby steps but at least I’m moving forward.  She would be really proud of me sitting here drinking my spinach while I write this and even knowing how to spell quinoa!

I have purposely stayed away from the topic of weight on this blog because it’s a sensitive one. This is not about weight though, this is about health.  I want to be alive to play with my grandchildren.  I want to be an example to my own children that health is important and what you put in your body matters.  I don’t just want to be alive, I want to be healthy enough to really live.  I know I am more than a number.  I know the value I bring to the world is so much more than a bikini ready body.  I know it’s the size of my heart, not the size of my butt that makes me beautiful. I’m outraged by the unrealistic expectations placed on women to look a certain way and I’m saddened by all my beautiful friends who do not see their own beauty because they are not a size 2. And I’m embarrassed that I know exactly how they feel, because I feel it too.

I have a very long road ahead of me, but hopefully some of the changes I’m making will give me many extra years to figure it all out!  Any motivation and positive thoughts you can send my way would be greatly appreciated and if you find my endorphins, I really need them back!