I’m waving my white flag…I’m tired, I’m ashamed and I surrender.

Let me preface this post but stating clearly that I do not think I’m “fat”.  This isn’t about skinny or fat.  It’s about not liking what you see when you look in the mirror no matter what size you are.  It’s about society’s unrealistic idea of what constitutes beauty compared to the reality of beauty.  It’s about focusing so hard on your imperfections, you lose sight of who you are.   It’s about a mind shift from dieting to being healthy…no matter what your shape or size may be.  It’s about acceptance and self-love.

I’ve generally been ok with my body over the years.  I’ve never been a big exerciser, never had a six-pack, always had my problem areas that I did my best to hide, but was pretty confident in my skin.  With that being said, I was always trying to lose ten pounds…always.  That’s changed in the past couple of years.  I was doing the same things I was always doing, but my body was changing rapidly and keeping up with my “average” body was becoming harder and harder.  I was doing more with less results and I became my worst critic.  With each pound I gained, I lost twice that in self-esteem and self-respect.

That’s when I knew the madness had to stop.

I was tired of the disgust I felt when I looked in the mirror.  I was tired of the contempt I felt for myself that I didn’t make the gym a priority in my life.  I was tired of shying away from friends’ invitations that might have anything to do with water or a bathing suit.  I was tired of comparing myself to people who were most likely comparing themselves to someone else.  I was tired of beating myself up that I didn’t look the way I did at 20 or 30 or even 40.

And I was ashamed of myself.  I was ashamed that my daughter had seen me crying in a dressing room because nothing fit.  I was ashamed that I sometimes looked for people who were heavier than me and felt relieved that I wasn’t the only one.  I was ashamed that the value of my day could be based on the number on the scale.  I was ashamed that I would stare at magazines and feel inferior and lazy.  I was ashamed I was buying in to this crap because I know better!

So, I’m surrendering.  I’m escaping society’s vision of what a perfect body should look like.  I am no longer your prisoner.  I’m giving up this fight with my body.  I’m throwing away the scale.  I’m done talking about how I need to lose 10 lbs (or 5 or 15 or 20…whatever it is in a given month or year).  I’m finished explaining away my cellulite or muffin top or saddle bags.   And most importantly, I will never again be the crappy role model I’ve been to my daughter.

Surrendering to this unrealistic standard frees me up to do what’s really important. I’m free to learn to be a healthy eater because my body deserves it.  I’m free to be active and keep moving because I want to play with my grandkids one day.  I’m free to lift weights so I don’t get the osteoporosis so prevalent in my family.  I’m free to teach my daughter AND son that bodies come in all different sizes and shapes and they are all beautiful and utterly amazing.  I’m free to remind myself that my worth and value are so much more than a number or a size.  I’m free to build other women up no matter their size or shape rather than tearing them down out of jealousy or insecurity.  I’m free to accept my body at whatever size I might be, knowing that changes with my outside self have no bearing on my inside self.  I’m free to change my goal from losing weight to adding years to my life.

I remember doing a body image group one year with some middle school girls.  They were all beautiful girls, but in that awkward stage, going through the transition from caterpillar to butterfly.  And like the rest of the world, they were obsessed with their physical appearance.  I asked each of them to write down the things they loved most about their best friend.

She is always there when I need her.

She makes me laugh.

We have so much fun together.

She keeps my secrets.

She’s a great listener.

After we read them I looked at them and reminded them that not one of them loved their best friend because of their physical appearance.  Not one of them said…

She has small thighs.

She has a flat stomach.

She has the perfect size chest.

She has thick, long hair.

She has a round butt.

We love people because of how they make us feel, not what they look like.  This unrealistic and damaging message that we have to look like a Victoria’s Secret model to be considered beautiful is hurting our society in so many ways.  Most women want it to stop, but we are our worst enemies.  We snicker when someone has gained weight.  We call someone “obsessed” who loves to work out.  We judge each other for being “too fat” and then when we lose weight, we are immediately judged for being “too skinny”.  We assume someone overweight is lazy and someone who is naturally skinny has an eating disorder.  And what’s even sadder, is WE have the power to stop this instead of perpetuating it!

And I know I’m not alone.  I hear beautiful, smart, talented women demean themselves because of some aspect of their appearance.  The fact they are talented, creative, articulate, funny, compassionate, and brilliant are all secondary to whether they look good in their jeans.  It’s heartbreaking.

So, instead of counting calories, I’m counting sunsets from my porch.  Instead of tracking my meals, I’m tracking the memories I’m making with my friends and family.  Instead of stepping on the scale, I’m stepping up for causes I believe in.  Instead of saying no to the occasional milkshake, I am saying no to anything that doesn’t feed my soul.  Instead of focusing on losing the weight, I am focusing on losing the guilt.  Instead of self-loathing, there will be self-love.  Instead of rejection, there will be acceptance.

And I hope you hold me accountable when I slip!  Let’s remind each other what’s really important and the true qualities that make someone “beautiful”.  Let’s support and lift each other up.  Let’s stop judging, not only others, but more importantly ourselves.  Let’s stop the competition because I can promise you, no one is winning, especially our daughters.

Taryn Brumfitt (BodyImageMovement.com) summed up my feelings best.

Women are always being told to change or be different—lose weight, fight aging, smooth your skin, get rid of cellulite, I mean really, women are such amazing and dynamic creatures can we please change the conversation from this bullsh*t to something with a little more substance?

Yes, please.

Someone asked me recently why it has been so long since I’ve posted anything to my blog.  Without hesitation, I responded “I am so busy!”  Then I cringed.  I couldn’t believe those four awful words had passed my lips!  Unfortunately it’s not the first time either…

I used to wear my “busyness” as a badge of honor.  I took pride in showing people my color-coordinated, completely full calendar.  People would shake their heads and say, “I don’t know how you do it.” I wasn’t sure how I did it either, but I was proud that I did.  There was something for me that equated being busy with being efficient, being productive, being organized, and having it all together.  The sad part is I was far from any of those things, but the busyness allowed me to avoid facing the real me. 

The truth is, I was using being busy as an excuse.

As long as I was busy and could prove my busyness with my overflowing schedule, I had an excuse.  An excuse for not being an attentive wife or playful mother.  An excuse for not being a supportive friend or mindful volunteer.  An excuse for not taking care of myself, both physically and mentally.  An excuse for never being in the moment, because I was always coordinating my next day’s worth of busyness. 

When a weekend would come upon me that was completely clear, I would feel a bit of anxiety.  Being busy had become such a huge part of my identity, I wasn’t sure who I was without a list of activities that needed me.  I was never quite sure what to do with myself.

As I sit here today, my calendar is just as full, but my attitude about being busy is completely different.  Here’s the thing…

We are ALL busy!!!  Whether we are a stay-at-home mom with young children or a working mom with no children, we are busy!  Whether we are volunteering our time or being a caregiver to our parents, we are busy!  Whether we are working at a job we love or watching our kids play sports, we are busy!  Whether we are writing a blog or preparing a garden for food for our family, we are busy!

And here’s the other thing…

We ALL make time for things that are a priority for us, no matter how busy we are.  Some of us make time to go to the gym or make a healthy dinner.  Others make time to walk our dog or call our mom.  We make time to be at our son’s soccer game or spend a few minutes with our granddaughter.  Some of us make time to meet our friend for a drink or volunteer in our child’s class.  While others make time to read a book or watch our favorite TV show.  We make time to have dinner with our kids or go shopping for that special outfit for the weekend!

I’m not saying it’s easy, I’m just saying it’s not an excuse. 

And I’m not saying we can do everything we want to do. 

There are times I have to say no to spending time with friends because of my kids sports or because I’m at the gym, but there are also times I need to say no to the gym or skip a game because I miss my friends.  Sometimes I forgo a healthy dinner so I can read a book in my hammock.  Other times I don’t get to walk my dog because I meet my husband out for a quick catch up.  And the times I don’t say no or I try to do it all, leads to all kinds of stress.

It’s about finding balance.

I mentioned in a previous post that our school was focusing on the The 7 Habits of Happy Kids this year.  The seventh habit is Sharpen the Saw.  This habit reminds us that just as a car needs four tires to run properly, we also have four parts that need equal attention in order to be healthy and happy human beings…our body, heart, mind, and soul.  It’s with taking care of all four areas that we find that peaceful balance.  I would challenge you that if you find yourself “too busy” for something or someone in your life, one of these four parts is consuming too much of your time.

I now cherish my down time as much as I cherish my busy time.  I’m being intentional in making sure all four of my tires are pumped with air and ready to go!  For example, on Easter I used my heart when I spent time with family celebrating over a delicious meal.  I used my body when I went for a long walk in the sunshine.  I used my mind when I spent time reading a book in my hammock, and I used my soul when I heard the wonderful sermon at church.  Obviously, every day can’t be like that, but I’m determined to find a little heart, mind, body, and soul in as many days as I can!

So let’s quit using busy as an excuse and let us never be too busy sawing to take time to sharpen the saw!!

image by careergirlnetwork.com

I’m not much of a New Year’s resolution girl…I’m more of a birthday resolution girl.  Maybe it’s because I’m a February baby so it’s not too far from the new year and it also gives all the New Year’s resolution people time to either get in a routine or bail.  This birthday was no different.  At 45, I knew I had to get serious.  I set my intentions.  This year was going to be all about taking care of me…body, mind, and soul…ALL of me.

My first step was to do what we all do…I joined a gym.  Not just any gym, but the gym I’ve been a member of probably at least 20 prior times.  This time I decided to up the ante.  Instead of joining for one month to decide if it was going to be a waste of money, I joined for six months AND I signed the whole family up.  Maybe that would help me stay motivated.  And off I went.  My first class was a weight lifting class.  I purposely went VERY light on the weight, knowing if I didn’t, I would feel like a truck ran over me the next morning since it had been over a year since I had lifted weights.  I’ve done this class many times so I knew what to expect, but I didn’t expect how much my body would fight it.  It was painful as I did it but I made it through the class.

The next morning I did not feel like a truck ran over me, I felt like TWO trucks ran over me and then parked!  I seriously couldn’t move.  If you’ve ever been really sore after working out you know what I’m talking about it.  There would be no squatting to pee, I could only use the handicap bathroom at work and that was only if my shaking arms didn’t give out trying to hold me up on the handicap rails.  I went the long way everywhere to avoid all stairs and after trying to lift my arm to staple something on a bulletin board for about 5 minutes, I just gave up.  I knew it was bad when I was waiting in line behind a 90 year old man and he dropped a dime.  We both looked at each other and I thought, “Oh crap.”  We both went for the dime (at the same pace I might add) and he beat me to it.  I couldn’t get back up so he was kind enough to help me!  The only place I could find any relief was in a hot bathtub.  I was miserable.

That evening I went to sit down on the couch with my husband.  After watching me for a quite some time try to sit without bending at all, he said to me, “You know you have to go back.”  I ignored him.  “You have to work through the pain.  Once you work through the pain it won’t hurt any more or it will at least be bearable.”  He was right (as usual)…and not just about the gym.

We tend to want to avoid painful situations and uncomfortable feelings.  If we ignore it long enough, it will go away.  But will it? 

We certainly don’t want to revisit experiences that have hurt us, but until we do, we are never free of them and nothing changes.  We can push them way down and pretend they don’t exist, but they will continue to eat away at us in all kinds of unhealthy ways. 

Everyone I know is dealing with some kind of pain.  There are times we never acknowledge our pain because we minimize it.  Yes, we are hurting, but we know so many people who have it “worse than us” so we don’t feel entitled to feel our pain.  And then we have other judging our pain, comparing their pain to ours, thereby making our pain seem trivial.  I once read somewhere that the pain of the death of a loved one, the pain of the end of a relationship, and the pain of a child losing a teddy bear are no different. Pain is pain and no one should put limits on it or qualify it.

And then there are times it’s, well, just too painful.  We just don’t feel like we can face it.  So we look for answers in all the wrong places and the pain just multiplies.  It’s not until we truly work through our pain in a healthy and productive way that we can be free of it.  Being free does not mean we forget or we never feel sad, it just means we don’t let the pain control us anymore…it becomes bearable.

For those wondering, I did go back to the gym and my soreness is now the “good kind” of pain.  I’ve been very consistent with this class because I know if I don’t continue to go, I’ll be right back where I started…in pain.  And who wants to be there?!?

I was reading something the other day and the article ended with this question…

Are you living or simply existing?

Of course I’m living I thought.   To not be living would mean I don’t love my life and of course I love my life.  End of story.  But, as many things do, it left me thinking.  How do we know if we are merely existing?

Dr. Phil says existing is instinctual; it is involuntary, reactive self-preservation, with the primary goal of just getting from one day to the next without regard to quality. Living, on the other hand, is the exercise of certain learned skills, attitudes, and abilities that you have acquired and honed to a sharp and focused edge.  Living is waking up excited each day and looking forward to the known and unknown the day may bring.

A large component of simply existing is fear.  Fear of making a change, fear of the unknown, fear the grass is not greener.  Because of this fear, we do the same boring routine every day, we stay in dead-end jobs we don’t enjoy, we stay in toxic relationships that are no good for us, and we put off our dreams.  To change feels too hard and too scary.  We settle and make excuses to not live the life we truly want to lead.

Kimanzi Constable published a book called Are You Living or Existing? 9 Steps to Change Your Life.  He explains the difference between living and existing this way…

“The difference is realization, attitude and action. You start by realizing that time is one resource we’ll never get back, so we can’t afford to waste it doing things that won’t better our life. Then have the right attitude towards everything you do, viewing opportunities as a blessing and not another task on your to do list. Action means not wasting your life away watching the latest prime time shows. It means getting out and creating amazing experiences. At the end of your life you won’t remember all of the stuff you got or shows you watched. You’ll remember incredible experiences and times you impacted the lives of others.”

So how would you even know if you’re someone who exists or lives? Steve Jobs did something that could provide some guidance. Apparently he used to wake up each morning, look at himself in the mirror and ask himself the same question, “If I was to die today, would I do what I am about to do?” If his answer was no too many days in a row, he would make a change.  I think this is a good starting point for figuring out if you’re just settling for mediocrity. If you’re not getting excited or happy most days with what you’re going to do, you may need to take action and change something. This goes for every area of your life.

After being brutally honest with myself, I had to admit, although I’ve done my share of living, I’ve also done my share of existing.  I decided that needed to change.  But where to start?  It felt right to start from Constable’s explanation of living…realization, attitude, and action.

I decided the first step was to take control of my life…to be fully responsible and accountable for my own happiness.  It is not the job of my co-workers, husband, children or friends to make my life meaningful, it is mine.  I decided to stop being a spectator to my life and instead, fully participate in each day.  At 45 my life is probably more than half way over and any time spent existing is just not acceptable anymore.  Time is precious and I don’t want to waste another minute.

Secondly, my attitude has to change.  I must begin to count my blessings and not my problems.  I must begin to see obstacles as opportunities.  Most importantly for me, I must stop my perfectionist ways.  I have to learn to be ok with failure and not be afraid to try new things.  I also have to accept the fact that living life to its fullest is not a destination, it’s a journey.  A journey I will be on for the rest of my life.  This step will be a work in progress for me and probably the hardest step of all.  The idea of change brings me much anxiety!

Finally, I must act.  I’m a great planner and a not-so-good follow througher.  I decided to really think about what I feel passionate about in life, what I enjoy doing, and what makes me feel good about myself?  I’m embarrassed to admit how difficult it was to identify things I feel passionate about or enjoy doing.  I’ve never been a big “hobby” person and my life has revolved so much around my kids the past 17 years, I realize I’ve sort of  lost myself along the way.  I am realistic enough to know I’m not ready for huge changes immediately so I’ve outlined some baby steps for myself in all areas of my life to push myself in the right direction. I had to take a deep breath and dig deep, but I’m excited about some of the possibilities I’m investigating.  Remember, even small steps can lead to big possibilities!

How about you?  Do you need to take this journey with me?  Do you find yourself simply existing more days than you are really living?  Or are you someone who lives life to the fullest and wakes up excited for what each day holds?  Either way, I’d love to hear your story!

Imagine this...

Your husband has a disease.  It not only affects his life, but the lives of everyone in your family.  Your friends and family provide you with an abundance of support.  They fix dinner for you, they offer to take him to doctor appointments to give you a break, they have a fundraiser to help pay for medical expenses your insurance won’t cover, and they call to ask how he is…how you are.  You feel loved.  You don’t feel so alone.

Or imagine this...

Your daughter has been victim to a terrible trauma.  The side effects from this trauma have been life altering for her, as well as everyone in your family.  Your friends and family show up with food.  They take you out to talk and hear how things are going. 
They offer support to your daughter as well, understanding it takes a village.  They spread the word your family needs support and your community rises to the call. 
You feel relief.  You don’t feel so alone.

Most of us can imagine this because we have been on the giving or receiving end of a loved one suffering from cancer, or a heart attack, or a car accident.

Let’s take it a step further though.  Your local high school has “green night” at the basketball game. They are selling green t-shirts to support people struggling like your husband and daughter.  
 
They are having…MENTAL ILLNESS AWARENESS NIGHT.  

At half time they recognize your husband for living with bi-polar disorder and depression.  They recognize your daughter for overcoming her substance abuse and
finding the right medicine and treatment for PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) after returning from Iraq.  They recognize the care givers of those who are mentally ill and promise more research and better treatment with the money they raise.  Again, you feel your community’s support.  You don’t feel so alone.

Can you imagine the last scenario?  Probably not. We only talk about mental illness when it’s to place blame.  When are we going to start recognizing mental illness as the crippling disease it is? When are we going to start supporting our brothers and sisters suffering from depression the same way we support those suffering from cancer? 
When is raising money for the research and treatment of schizophrenia going to be as important as the research and treatment for heart disease?  When will feel comfortable discussing our substance abuse the way we discuss our diabetes?  Don’t tell me it’s because people die from physical illness but not from mental illness.   Read the paper.  Watch the news.  We are a country suffering from an epidemic of mental illness that is
going to ruin this country.   People are dying every day from the affects of mental illness and the funding just keeps decreasing as the need is increasing at lightning
speed.

How many more are going to be killed?  

Miriam Carey, who drove through a White House barrier and engaged Capital police in a
high speed chase with her one-year old in the car, was suffering from postpartum
depression and psychosis.  She is just one of a string of mentally ill people who have been killed or killed others in the recent past.  These include Aaron Alexis who reportedly believed he was being controlled by electromagnetic waves when he killed 12 people at Washington Navy Yard in Washington, D.C., Adam Lanza who killed 26
people at the Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut and James
Holmes who killed 12 people at the premier of a Batman movie in Aurora, Colorado. In my own hometown, Seung-Hui Cho, who killed 32 people and injured 17 more in the Virginia Tech massacre, was suffering from a severe anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder. And just this week in my home state, Virginia Senator Creigh Deeds was stabbed multiple times by his alleged mentally ill son who has been turned away from a psychiatric hospital the day before due to lack of beds.

There is a stigma that comes along with mental illness that prevents people from
getting help and like any other kind of illness, untreated mental illness only gets worse, not better.  According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), an estimated one in four adults suffers from a diagnosable mental disorder in a given year. I think about all those Americans suffering while both society and the health care industry do very little to alleviate their suffering.  Health care companies provide incentives to lose weight or stop smoking, but most offer nothing when it comes to mental illness.

Victoria Brownworth summed it up best on a blog post written for The Huffington Post dated October 7, 2013. The article called Crazy Every Day: America's Mental Illness Epidemic which describes living with her mentally ill mother concludes this way…

“Nearly 60 million Americans suffer right now from some form of mental illness, be it psychosis like Carey or schizophrenia, depression, anxiety, bi-polar disorder, an eating disorder. Many of those people are compliantly taking medications and others are wandering lost in America, unmedicated, hearing voices, thinking paranoid delusional
thoughts and literally going out of their minds.

How many families have to be devastated by the impact of this disease before we make mental illness a priority in this country? One in four is sick. If it were influenza, it would be an epidemic. Let's start acting like mental illness is illness first, mental
second. It's a public health crisis in America. And until we address it, there will be more Miriam Careys, more Aaron Alexises, more mothers like mine and so much untreated suffering, we might all go crazy from the pain.”

I don't want to go crazy from the pain.  How about you?

Last night I was watching the CBS evening news and they did a segment called Six Word War.  First, let me tell you a bit about this memoir from their website www.sixwordwar.com. 

“Welcome to Six Word War. Instead of a book about Iraq or Afghanistan that tells one soldier’s perspective, Six Word War is the first ‘crowdsourced’ war memoir that will tell a story different than any other ever told about war. For the first time in history, one book will contain the collective experience of our military at war in their own words.

Sometimes veterans have funny stories to tell and sometimes they’re tragic. Not every story on its own could justify an entire book, but that’s what we think is incredible about this project. The thousands of stories that we’re gathering tell the real story of Iraq and Afghanistan - a story that couldn’t possibly be told by one person.

This project is being run by Shaun Wheelwright and Mike Nemeth, both US Army veterans. Mike and Shaun met as West Point classmates at the United States Military Academy. Shaun went on to deploy to Iraq from 2007-2009 with the 1-27 Infantry, 25th ID. Mike was injured prior to a deployment and left the Army as a 2nd Lieutenant. “

I was so deeply moved by this segment that I immediately went to their website. I was astonished at how much emotion, insight, loss, and even humor could be described in six short words.  Here are a few of my favorites…

Family Sacrifice Personal Sacrifice Rinse Repeat

I came home, but never left.

Divorce, despair, only God could repair.

Hearts and minds, I lost both.

It’s okay to not be okay

Responsibilities causing maturing beyond my years

Taliban Bullet, Army Hospital, Found Love

Nicotine. Caffeine. Dead friends. No sleep.

I am tired of the goodbyes.

Baby coming. Please come home alive!

The other battle starts at home.

Powerful stuff, huh.  They were inspired by a website called http://sixwordmemoirs.com.  A Six-Word Memoir® is the story of your life—some part of it or all of it—told in exactly six words.

This inspired me to think about how I would sum up my own life in six words.  It was a struggle, but today this is the six words that would represent me.

Flawed and fearful.  Blessed beyond belief.

I have so many flaws.  What’s even worse is I actually know how flawed I really am.  But holding hands with all my flaws is good intention and lessons learned.  Each day I try to do better.  Each day I try to take a baby step to a better me.  I don’t always succeed, but I can never be accused of not trying.

I am not a risk taker…never have been.  I used to feel bad about it but I’ve come to accept that is just part of who I am and there is nothing wrong with that.  When it becomes an issue though, is when fears stops me from stepping outside my comfort zone and reaching my goals.  Fear of failure, fear of change, fear of someone being mad at me, fear of losing someone, fear of being hurt.  Although I have no regrets in my life, I am ashamed of the missed opportunities and experiences never lived because fear has gotten in my way.

I really am blessed.  I am blessed beyond belief.  I am blessed with my health and the health of all my loved ones.  I am blessed with a job that reconfirms how blessed I am on a daily basis.  I’m blessed with the ability to love and to be loved.  I’m blessed with two children who are perfect for me, who I stare at constantly because I can’t believe they are really mine.  I am blessed with a diverse array of friends from all chapters of my life who have guided me, supported me, and loved me, even at my worst.

So, go check out the sixwordwar website.  Or check out the segment from CBS Evening News I’ve linked on my page.  Or even better yet, go buy the book.  My six words might change next week or next year.  They would have looked very different five years ago and even more different ten years ago.  But for today, this is my six word life. 

What’s yours?  How would you describe your life in six words?

When I was a kid, we kept ourselves busy by playing outside. There was a street light near my house that bats were drawn to.  They would fly around the light at night.  The neighborhood kids would throw rocks up in the air and watch the bats swoop down, I guess assuming the rocks were food. I was a little weary of the bats. I worried they would swoop down and land on my head so I typically just sat and watched.  One night I got brave and decided to participate.  I threw my rock high up in the air!  I watched the rock go up…and I watched the rock come back down and hit me on the side of the head!  After some blood and tears, I decided I was done with the “bat game”.

I still have a dent on the right side of my temple from that rock.  It’s probably something only I can notice, but it occasionally leads me back to my 8 or 9 year-old self
to wonder why I didn’t get out of the way.  My husband would tell you it’s because
I was gifted with plenty of smarts but not a lick of sense.  He’s probably right, I am lacking in the common sense department at times, but I also think it might have been an indicator of things to come.

You see, just like that child stood and watched the rock hit her smack on the side of the head, this adult sometimes stands and allows hurtful people and situations to plow me over, with never even an attempt to get out of the way.  And just like I was the person who threw the rock that hit me, I think most of my painful situations have been self-inflicted as well.  
 
So how DO we “get out of the way”?  Here are some of the things I'm working on...

Stop surrounding yourself with people who bring you down.  Stay away from friends who judge you and make you feel bad about yourself and relationships that leave you feeling sad, rejected, and lonely.   Surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you.  Friends who support you and make you smile.  People you can be your authentic self with, not a mask of who you think they want you to be.  When I started doing this, my circle of friends dwindled, but I became a much happier person in the process.

Stop putting yourself in situations you know will lead to unhappiness.  Do things that make you happy… even if those things aren’t popular with your friends.  Doing things you truly enjoy will connect you with people with similar interests and you will be surprised how many people out there may have a hidden passion for the same things you do.  Writing a blog such as this is not something I have in common with many
people.  I knew I might not get a lot of support for it, but it has connected me with some of the most amazing people who write me privately about their struggles.  My writing is not for everyone, but for those who “get me” I cannot say thank you enough for your camaraderie.

Be you own best friend. Get to know yourself.  Learn to be comfortable spending time alone.  I spent more time by myself this summer than I ever have.  It was a blessing.  There was a time I would have not been comfortable doing that.  I always felt like I had to “fill” my time and try to keep up with the fun I thought everyone else was having.  For the first time in a long time, I’m comfortable in my own skin and I like being with me.

Let go of what you can’t control.  Just let it go.  It’s heavy and it’s weighing you down.  Hand it over to a higher power or decide you will revisit it some other time, but for now, set it down and continue the journey without it.  This is probably the hardest for me, but I’m making baby steps and so can you.

Stay positive and count your blessings.  There is always something to be thankful for, even if it’s just growing old…many don’t have that privilege.   Don’t take life so seriously.  That’s my goal this year…to put more fun in my life, especially at work.  Keep the focus on what’s good in your life and that will help you stay on the path of positivity.

What do you do to “get out of the way”?  Are some of the painful situations in your life “self-inflicted”?  I would love to hear your story!

I have this “friend”. I tell her everything.  Recently though, I’m realizing she is not a very good friend.  In fact, she’s the worst friend I have.  Here is a sampling of some of our conversations…

Me:  I lost a pound this week.
Friend:  A pound?  Seriously? You’ve been drinking spinach like someone is paying you by the leaf and getting up at some ungodly hour every morning to work out and you only lost one pound???  That sucks!  I’d give up on that!

Me:  I forgot the one paper I needed for my meeting today.
Friend:  How can you be so stupid and forget that?!
 
Me:  Catie didn’t have what she needed clean for volleyball this morning. I feel bad.
Friend:  You should feel bad!  You are lazy and unorganized and you really need to figure out how to get your shit together!!  Other working parents get it done…why can’t you?

Me:  How do I look? (after getting ready for an evening out)
Friend:  Tired and old.  The 40’s have seriously not been kind to you.  I’d ask for a do-over.
 
I know what you’re thinking.  You are thinking why in the world would I have a friend like this and why would I ever let someone speak to me this way.  I’m wondering the same thing.

The saddest part of this story is that this “friend” is me.

If you follow LimitlessLessons on Facebook you know I post a lot of quotes.  Some have a very personal meaning to me, others I just love the message, while a handful stick with me and speak to me in a very profound way. This one stuck with me…

It’s a simple quote but I couldn’t get it out of my head.  As those who know me are well aware, I think A LOT.  I have been known to create stories in my head that could win an Academy Award.  I tend to think I know what others are thinking and feeling when in reality I have no idea.  I have a hard time having relationships with people who don’t communicate well because if you don’t tell me what you are thinking or feeling, I’ll just make it up in my own head.

I’ve actually gotten much better about this, but what I have not gotten better about, is how I talk to myself.  I would never tolerate anyone else talking to me the way I talk to myself sometimes.  If someone spoke to my child or mother or best friend the way I speak to myself, I’d be outraged.  So why is it ok for us to treat ourselves in ways we would never allow others to treat us?

It’s not.  And I know I’m not alone out there.
 
Throughout the day, our thoughts race at a hundred miles an hour, jumping uncontrollably from one self-diminishing thought to the next without consciously registering as such. If someone else was to put us down, our senses would immediately awaken and we would probably defend ourselves. However, there is no such self-defense mechanism with negative self-talk. All this negativity is blindly absorbed and becomes that much more toxic to our lives and particularly the relationship we have with ourselves.

What are the unsupportive thoughts you hear playing on repeat in your mind right now?  What self-defeating, abusive and limiting statement is your brain trying to convince you (or have convinced you) to be true?  Here are some of the more common ones…

I’m not good enough.
I’m ugly.
I’m too fat/tall/short/young/old.
I’m stupid.
He/she’ll never love me.
I am not lovable.
I am a bad parent.
I am a horrible person.
There is something wrong with me.
I never have enough time.
I don’t deserve …
I can’t …

Again, Don’t believe everything you think.

So how do we change this?  The first step is to be aware…really pay attention to the internal voice you communicate with.  Take note of every time you say something negative to yourself. I think you’ll be surprised how often it is.  Next, start to counter those thoughts with the reverence you would give your best friend. Speak to yourself
with kindness and love.  Be the kind of friend to yourself you want others to be to you. 
Remember, you teach others how to treat you so treat yourself with all the respect, love, and compassion you deserve!  If you don’t, who will?

I have not felt like myself for the past year.  There are some mornings my body feels like a truck ran over me during the night.  I’m always tired…even after 10 hours of sleep. My pants just keep getting tighter and tighter even though I’ve changed nothing with my diet and exercise.  For a year, I’ve been chalking it up to stress. This past year has been emotionally trying for me on several fronts, the main one being my job.  This past school year was definitely the toughest one for me yet.  So I pushed through the year thinking I would feel better this summer.  I haven’t, so I finally went to the doctor.  My doctor was a bit alarmed when she saw me because I bet I’ve only been there once or twice in the past 10 years, so she took my concerns seriously.  We talked fibromyalgia.  We tested my thyroid.  She did extensive blood work.  We researched blood diseases because of all of my bruising.

I finally got my diagnosis…I’m getting old.

Seriously?!  The doctor informed me that it’s scientifically proven that women in their 40’s are always tired, hot flashes begin, and their metabolism starts to plummet. Great, I thought, let’s just add that to periods, cellulite, waxing every hair off our body, and childbirth and let’s all get in line to be a woman!  She continued by telling me I could do exactly what I’m doing right now and I would gain around 5 lbs each year.  Or I could cut out carbs and increase the intensity of my workouts to 5-6 times a week and hope to maintain through the next decade. At this point I realized she seriously was not going to give me a pill to fix this.  I complained it wasn’t fair.  Men can give up soft drinks and lose 10 lbs and women are existing on quinoa (and if you know what that is,
you know what I’m talking about!) and jump on the scale to see they’ve gained a pound!  She agreed, saying it was the male testosterone that made it easier for some men and she would happily give me some but I would probably grow a full beard.  Hmmm…skinny with a full beard or heavier with a smooth face?  I do have a pretty good razor at home…

Seriously though, I knew in that moment she was right and something had to change for me.  I’m a woman, so I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t about the number on the scale and what I look like, but for the first time it was about more than that.  It was about feeling better. 
 
I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.

If you know me at all, you know diet and exercise are not my strong points.  On most days the closest I get to a well-balanced meal is a plate of cheese fries and a glass of wine (bacon=protein, cheese=dairy, potatoes=vegetables and wine=fruit…looks good
to me!)  I recently filed a police report to try and find out who stole my endorphins because mine are missing.  Exercising for me is about as fun as childbirth.  That’s when I called Sharon from Eat Well Play More to be my health coach…to support me on this quest to be healthy and feel better.  To change my mindset from “the only thing that matters is the number on the scale” to “the only thing that matters is how I feel”. To empower me to take care of myself as well as I take care of others and to be the best me I can possibly be, no matter what the scale says.  She has the patience of a saint because my steps have been baby steps but at least I’m moving forward.  She would be really proud of me sitting here drinking my spinach while I write this and even knowing how to spell quinoa!

I have purposely stayed away from the topic of weight on this blog because it’s a sensitive one. This is not about weight though, this is about health.  I want to be alive to play with my grandchildren.  I want to be an example to my own children that health is important and what you put in your body matters.  I don’t just want to be alive, I want to be healthy enough to really live.  I know I am more than a number.  I know the value I bring to the world is so much more than a bikini ready body.  I know it’s the size of my heart, not the size of my butt that makes me beautiful. I’m outraged by the unrealistic expectations placed on women to look a certain way and I’m saddened by all my beautiful friends who do not see their own beauty because they are not a size 2. And I’m embarrassed that I know exactly how they feel, because I feel it too.

I have a very long road ahead of me, but hopefully some of the changes I’m making will give me many extra years to figure it all out!  Any motivation and positive thoughts you can send my way would be greatly appreciated and if you find my endorphins, I really need them back!

Everyone has “their” show…for my Dad it was Everybody Loves Raymond.  I can see him like it was yesterday, sitting on the edge of his bed laughing and laughing at that show.  For my husband, it’s The Big Bang Theory.  He watches marathons of it and just cracks up, even if he’s seen the episode many, many times.  For me, it’s The Middle.  I LOVE that show.  It’s the only show I laugh out loud to.  I record it and sometimes watch each episode a couple of times because I always catch something the second time I may have missed the first time around.  The show resonates with me on so many different levels.

The Middle is real. It doesn’t sugarcoat the realities of life and in our world of perfect “facebook families” the Hecks are a breath of fresh air.  I want to be their friend.  I’m still catching up on recorded episodes and I watched one the other day where Frankie (mom) was trying to get a job.  She was complaining to Mike (dad) that she kept getting asked in the interviews the philosophical question of “Who is Frankie Heck?”  She had no idea.  Together they decided “nice” and “hardworking” might be stretching the truth a bit so she asked her three kids to each give a word to describe her…Axl (son #1) came up with lazy, Brick (son #2) chose angry, and Sue (daughter) selected tired.  Frankie got frustrated and walked off and Axl yelled, “We are just trying to help!  You are being ungrateful!”  The other two kids started clapping, nodding their heads saying “ungrateful, great word Axl!”  So Frankie spends the rest of the show trying to figure out who she is.

Frankie, I don’t know who I am either and I hope I never really do.  Because if I can ever precisely define myself, it means I’ve stopped growing and changing.  I’ve been lots of different people throughout the stages of my life, some I’ve liked and some not so much, but they have all made me who I am today.  But here’s what I do know about myself…

I’m a contradiction. I’m the keeper of secrets and the shoulder that soaks up many tears.  I’m the unwelcome voice of reason and the look that makes you look away. I’m passionate, loyal, and trustworthy, but I’m also emotional, sensitive, and stubborn.  I’m a magician that can pull lost things from thin air and a gardener who nurtures, waters, and pulls the weeds of the many relationships I tend to.  I see myself as weak but always find myself to be stronger than I ever imagined possible when I have to be.  I don’t let you in easily, but when I do, you get the whole me…the good, bad, and ugly. I have a temper, but I also have a generous heart.  I’m not a risk taker with anything except relationships and then there’s no risk too great.  I can be inpatient and insecure but also independent and introspective.  I make lots of mistakes and ask for forgiveness. My heart feels like it’s going to burst with all the love and compassion I feel, but at the same time my head feels like it’s going to explode from all the thoughts and worries I ruminate.  I sometimes get so caught up in what I don’t have, I forget what I do have. I’m grateful and spoiled. I’m silly and serious. I’m lazy and busy.  I’m happy and sad.  I’m perfectly imperfect.

But no matter what combination you get of me on a given day, I also know I’m enough. 

And YOU are enough too.