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My life revolves around teaching lessons of some sort. Whether it was in my role as an Elementary School Counselor for eleven years, my current role working with kiddos and administrators K-12, mom to two young adults, or owner of two spoiled chocolate labs, I teach lessons all day long. But the most valuable lessons taught on a daily basis, are those taught to me; by my students, by my children, by my dogs, and sometimes even by strangers! And that's what this blog is all about...those limitless lessons that come out of nowhere, but stay with you forever.

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Selfish-Selfless...Finding a Balance

6/7/2013

12 Comments

 
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Lately I have found myself fed up with certain individuals in my life I find to be very selfish and it got me thinking.  Throughout my life, I have been surrounded by people I would consider “selfish”.  I have always seen this as an unattractive character trait and one I have prided myself on trying very hard to be the opposite of.  When I did go through phases or even moments of selfishness, I felt horribly guilty. The idea that my happiness came at the cost of someone else’s unhappiness felt wrong and created unimaginable internal conflict.  I believed that putting other people’s needs in front of my own was the “right” thing to do and caring for others over myself showed a selflessness that more of us should exhibit.  So although I was “selfless”, I was also resentful and bitter and unhappy.

Society sees this as very black and white.  Selfish is defined as lacking
consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or
pleasure
.  And selfless is defined as having, exhibiting, or motivated by no
concern for oneself; unselfish
.  Not a lot of in-between there.  You either care for others or you don’t.  However, we know there is much gray area there.  But how DO you find a balance between meeting your own needs and taking others’ feelings into
consideration as well?  How do you care for and help others, but not neglect yourself in the process?

When you start helping people in ways you are not helping yourself, it’s only normal to become angry and resentful.  And truly, you’re probably not much help to that person anyway.  Anyone who has every traveled by airplane is well aware of the airline’s oxygen mask policy "...make sure to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before attempting to help someone else put on theirs."  This policy should probably be mandatory for life too.  
 
If we are not healthy, physically and emotionally, we will never be the kind of spouse, parent, friend, or employee we need to be.  If you are not giving to yourself, you will never be able to give to others without feeling put-out and bitter.  Believe me, I know. 
But it’s hard to shake that word…that idea…that feeling that I’m being selfish.  Synonyms for selfish are self-centered, egotistical, and self-seeking.  I don’t want to be those things.  I want to be caring, thoughtful, kind, and compassionate while still meeting my own needs first. I want to find a balance between selfishness and selflessness.  So how do we walk the line between self-care and self-sacrifice, knowing that too much self-care can make us selfish, but too much self-sacrifice can make us a martyr and a victim? 

I don’t have the answer so I will just continue to hold “me” and “we” as equally valuable and when one starts to take up too much time, I will know it’s time to
rebalance.  I will try and remember the value of my oxygen mask but I may need reminding from time to time to put my mask on first.  Do you think there is such a thing as being too selfish?  Do you struggle with finding balance?  Do you feel judged for taking time for yourself? I would love to hear what you think!

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12 Comments
LeeAnne link
11/24/2013 11:55:41 am

I am in the midst of family crisis because they view me as being totally selfish and only concerned with myself. I was so into taking care of everyone else and neglecting myself for so long, I went to far. I need a balance!!

Reply
Paige Walters
3/16/2014 03:03:45 pm

LeeAnne...I just saw this comment for some reason! Thank you for sharing and I hope you found a balance that works for you! xo

Reply
Brad
11/23/2015 08:19:05 pm

Well I can say that you are a beautiful woman for sure. Wow!! If

Reply
Jennifer Lynn Avery
7/26/2016 05:03:07 pm

You have a gorgeous family. Everyone looks so happy and content. Your doing a great Job and it shows!

Reply
Paige
8/22/2017 11:16:20 am

Thank you!!

Reply
Annie
12/19/2017 06:46:25 am

I googled this honestly because lately I’ve seriously been reflecting on whether I’m being too selfless and not taking care of my own happiness or if I’m too selfish for even thinking about this in the first place. It is an odd balance that I always struggle with. I’m glad I’m not alone in my struggle.

Reply
Paige
11/8/2018 12:34:40 pm

You are definitely not alone!

Reply
Nathan
12/21/2017 06:22:27 pm

This is a really hard balance, because "we" is so much bigger than me, "me" and "we" can never be equal. If they are, then on an individual basis it's clear that I value myself higher than any other single individual, but if each individual has equal worth, than "we" deserves so much more of my time.

Reply
Paige
11/8/2018 12:35:09 pm

Great insight!

Reply
Isabella
3/23/2018 10:58:40 pm

It is a hard balance to find, each person will need different ratio (taken into consideration: family, physical/mental state, health ups and downs, community and so much more) A couple of years ago I sustained a Head Injury, found/find it very difficult to find a balance for living, rehab, community work, rest/fatigue, friends & family, while trying find a new me within the old me (new limitations included). Without swinging too much one way or the other

Reply
Paige
3/24/2018 09:11:48 am

So true!! Thank you so much for sharing!

Reply
Amanda
11/5/2018 01:35:15 am

I struggle with this always. I'm an introvert and often feel like I need time to decompress. While I love helping others, being a good listener, and giving advice, I often find myself trying to relate to that to provide examples or brainstorm solutions. That characteristic is often misinterpreted as being selfish. Sometimes it's also really difficult to decipher if others will find comfort knowing relatable examples or if they just want to vent.
Completely aside from the example above: I struggle with the selfish vs selfless balance with my friends, at work, my relationship, my family, and even total strangers who just need help.
I think the air mask analogy both helpful yes an intimidating idea to maintain. Being judged for putting yourself first often feels as though you're obligated to provide valid reasoning while apologizing which is often misinterpreted as an excuse. Often times the reasoning is silly to others but important to you. Lastly, often times when people need help, it's when they're in a hurry. It's also difficult to explain without over-explaining thus possibly causing more havoc.

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