I’m waving my white flag…I’m tired, I’m ashamed and I surrender.

Let me preface this post but stating clearly that I do not think I’m “fat”.  This isn’t about skinny or fat.  It’s about not liking what you see when you look in the mirror no matter what size you are.  It’s about society’s unrealistic idea of what constitutes beauty compared to the reality of beauty.  It’s about focusing so hard on your imperfections, you lose sight of who you are.   It’s about a mind shift from dieting to being healthy…no matter what your shape or size may be.  It’s about acceptance and self-love.

I’ve generally been ok with my body over the years.  I’ve never been a big exerciser, never had a six-pack, always had my problem areas that I did my best to hide, but was pretty confident in my skin.  With that being said, I was always trying to lose ten pounds…always.  That’s changed in the past couple of years.  I was doing the same things I was always doing, but my body was changing rapidly and keeping up with my “average” body was becoming harder and harder.  I was doing more with less results and I became my worst critic.  With each pound I gained, I lost twice that in self-esteem and self-respect.

That’s when I knew the madness had to stop.

I was tired of the disgust I felt when I looked in the mirror.  I was tired of the contempt I felt for myself that I didn’t make the gym a priority in my life.  I was tired of shying away from friends’ invitations that might have anything to do with water or a bathing suit.  I was tired of comparing myself to people who were most likely comparing themselves to someone else.  I was tired of beating myself up that I didn’t look the way I did at 20 or 30 or even 40.

And I was ashamed of myself.  I was ashamed that my daughter had seen me crying in a dressing room because nothing fit.  I was ashamed that I sometimes looked for people who were heavier than me and felt relieved that I wasn’t the only one.  I was ashamed that the value of my day could be based on the number on the scale.  I was ashamed that I would stare at magazines and feel inferior and lazy.  I was ashamed I was buying in to this crap because I know better!

So, I’m surrendering.  I’m escaping society’s vision of what a perfect body should look like.  I am no longer your prisoner.  I’m giving up this fight with my body.  I’m throwing away the scale.  I’m done talking about how I need to lose 10 lbs (or 5 or 15 or 20…whatever it is in a given month or year).  I’m finished explaining away my cellulite or muffin top or saddle bags.   And most importantly, I will never again be the crappy role model I’ve been to my daughter.

Surrendering to this unrealistic standard frees me up to do what’s really important. I’m free to learn to be a healthy eater because my body deserves it.  I’m free to be active and keep moving because I want to play with my grandkids one day.  I’m free to lift weights so I don’t get the osteoporosis so prevalent in my family.  I’m free to teach my daughter AND son that bodies come in all different sizes and shapes and they are all beautiful and utterly amazing.  I’m free to remind myself that my worth and value are so much more than a number or a size.  I’m free to build other women up no matter their size or shape rather than tearing them down out of jealousy or insecurity.  I’m free to accept my body at whatever size I might be, knowing that changes with my outside self have no bearing on my inside self.  I’m free to change my goal from losing weight to adding years to my life.

I remember doing a body image group one year with some middle school girls.  They were all beautiful girls, but in that awkward stage, going through the transition from caterpillar to butterfly.  And like the rest of the world, they were obsessed with their physical appearance.  I asked each of them to write down the things they loved most about their best friend.

She is always there when I need her.

She makes me laugh.

We have so much fun together.

She keeps my secrets.

She’s a great listener.

After we read them I looked at them and reminded them that not one of them loved their best friend because of their physical appearance.  Not one of them said…

She has small thighs.

She has a flat stomach.

She has the perfect size chest.

She has thick, long hair.

She has a round butt.

We love people because of how they make us feel, not what they look like.  This unrealistic and damaging message that we have to look like a Victoria’s Secret model to be considered beautiful is hurting our society in so many ways.  Most women want it to stop, but we are our worst enemies.  We snicker when someone has gained weight.  We call someone “obsessed” who loves to work out.  We judge each other for being “too fat” and then when we lose weight, we are immediately judged for being “too skinny”.  We assume someone overweight is lazy and someone who is naturally skinny has an eating disorder.  And what’s even sadder, is WE have the power to stop this instead of perpetuating it!

And I know I’m not alone.  I hear beautiful, smart, talented women demean themselves because of some aspect of their appearance.  The fact they are talented, creative, articulate, funny, compassionate, and brilliant are all secondary to whether they look good in their jeans.  It’s heartbreaking.

So, instead of counting calories, I’m counting sunsets from my porch.  Instead of tracking my meals, I’m tracking the memories I’m making with my friends and family.  Instead of stepping on the scale, I’m stepping up for causes I believe in.  Instead of saying no to the occasional milkshake, I am saying no to anything that doesn’t feed my soul.  Instead of focusing on losing the weight, I am focusing on losing the guilt.  Instead of self-loathing, there will be self-love.  Instead of rejection, there will be acceptance.

And I hope you hold me accountable when I slip!  Let’s remind each other what’s really important and the true qualities that make someone “beautiful”.  Let’s support and lift each other up.  Let’s stop judging, not only others, but more importantly ourselves.  Let’s stop the competition because I can promise you, no one is winning, especially our daughters.

Taryn Brumfitt (BodyImageMovement.com) summed up my feelings best.

Women are always being told to change or be different—lose weight, fight aging, smooth your skin, get rid of cellulite, I mean really, women are such amazing and dynamic creatures can we please change the conversation from this bullsh*t to something with a little more substance?

Yes, please.

Verbify the Word: LimitlessLessons Accept All Meanings

Please let me introduce you to a genuine truthteller.

My good friend at LimitlessLessons is passionate about everything she does. In her life, with her family, in her career, in her writing … she is true. And while she is a wonderfully positive person, her writing and reflection is not all sunshine and rainbows and puppies. She does what I don’t do sometimes–she shares the ugly parts, the vulnerable parts, the absolute true and hard to admit parts. Which is why her writing speaks to us all. We find our souls are sitting there, nodding their collective heads in understanding while we read. It is just one of the reasons why I admire her so much. You are going to love her, too.

Please welcome LimitlessLessons to MommyVerbs and Verbify the Word Wednesday!

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I started LimitlessLessons about a year ago for a variety of reasons.  One of those reasons being I was searching for something, although I’m not sure what.  Maybe I was searching for the key to happiness, or searching for others who were like-minded, trying to better themselves, and searching for something as well.  Or possibly I was searching for an outlet to discuss experiences I was either excited or confused about.  I’m not really sure, but I was definitely searching for something that would make my life more peaceful and fulfilling.

When MommyVerbs was kind enough to invite me to be a guest blogger for her and explained I was to focus on a verb, the word “search” may have been an obvious choice.  But, if there is one thing I’ve learned this past year, it’s that the most concise and beautiful path to a content life is tostop searching and start accepting.

Just as the word “accept” seems like a pretty uncomplicated verb with a straightforward meaning, you would think accepting life as it’s presented to you would be straightforward as well.  Well, it’s not…at least not for me.  Did you know that according to the Encarta Dictionary: English (North America) there are actually twelve definitions for this simple word?  I’ve picked my top 6 definitions to assist me in taking a look at what I’ve learned (and continue to learn) over the past year as I’ve trudged along on my happiness quest.

1.      Take something offered

I’m learning the importance of taking something offered.  More often than not, that “something” is a helping hand, words of wisdom, or simply just a hug.  Accepting others’ help is very difficult for some people (me!) as it can be misconstrued as weakness.  The truth is, it takes great strength to acknowledge your shortcomings and admit you are in over your head.

 2.       Say yes to invitation

I am saying yes to more invitations…literally and figuratively.  I am not very comfortable around people I don’t know well, so making new friends has always been challenging for me.  I have been stepping outside my comfort zone and saying yes to new people and new opportunities as well as reconnecting with old friends I have lost touch with.  Just in the past year I have started yoga, participated in a bowling league, became an advisor for my sorority on campus, painted my first painting, started tennis lessons, and traveled out of the country for the first time with my husband.  Agreeing to write for MommyVerbs falls in this category as well.  There was definitely a time I would have politely declined because I would have been fearful my writing would not have lived up to the expectations.

 3.       Come to terms with something

This is a biggie.  There are so many things I’ve had to come to terms with.  Friends can become strangers as quickly as strangers can become friends.  I can’t stop my kids from growing up or our parents from getting older.  People can be incredibly mean-spirited, but they can also be incredibly kind.  Life goes on even when you don’t want it to.  Endings are always painful.  The quality of your friendships is much more important than the quantity.   People will always judge you, and although you may not live in your past anymore, there will be some who try to visit you there often.  You never know someone’s true character until they are angry at you.

 4.       Endure situation

This definition says to tolerate something without protesting or attempting to change it.  I have spent my life trying to change people and situations or trying to persuade people into seeing things my way.  Once I realized that wasn’t working, I spent years trying to change myself.  Although change can be good, I have focused lately on accepting myself each day wherever I am.  I’m always striving to be a better version of me, but I am finally learning to accept the current model with all its bugs and flaws.

 5.       Believe something

I believe that attitude is everything.  It governs the way you perceive the world and the way the world perceives you and a good attitude helps you achieve your greatest potential.  Although I believe this with all my heart, I have a ways to go with my own attitude some days.

 6.       Take blame for something

I am not perfect and have never claimed to be.  I have made plenty of mistakes and will continue to do so.  I have hurt people and I have handled situations in counter-productive ways.  My parenting is a work in progress and I’m not always the best mom, wife, daughter, sister, employee and friend, but my heart is always in the right place.  No one can be harder on me than I am on myself.  I’ve also realized that sometimes all someone wants to hear is a simple “I’m sorry”.

Unfortunately we can’t be selective about what we accept…we must accept it all.  This is the hard part.  Stewart O’Nan says,

“You couldn’t relive your life, skipping the awful parts, without losing what made it worthwhile.  You had to accept it as a whole–like the world, or the person you loved.”   

As I work tirelessly to find acceptance in the experiences, challenges, and people God lies at my feet, I find my happiness grows in direct proportion.

Laozi, a philosopher and poet of ancient China, encourages us in our acceptance by saying,

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”

So, in the words of my inspiring MommyVerbs friend and colleague…Let’s all, Go. Do that!

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See. I told you so. Don’t you just love her!? Go check her out at www.limitlesslessons.com and like her page on facebook for more daily inspiration.

About six years ago, we completely renovated our house.  When I say renovated, I mean pretty much gutted it and started over.  I handled that the way I handle most things in my life…it handled me!  I was working full time, we were living in a very small rental home, I had two elementary aged kids, and things were happening much faster than I anticipated.  The workers helping to build the house even “packed” some of my stuff and a decade worth of my life was stored all over the place.  It was a mess.   

When we got moved in to the new house, I realized what a mess it really was.  Boxes were missing, some of our stuff had gotten ruined when a basement where we had things stored flooded, and many items were lost in the move.  One item that turned up missing was a box with my personal files in it.  All of the files were very important and special to me, but one of the files was an accumulation of memories of my dad…his will, the letter he wrote me before he died, newspaper articles about him, mementos from his funeral, a genealogy he worked on before his death, cards, pictures, and a lifetime of other stuff that I had deemed important enough to keep all those years.

I searched for that box for about three years, never allowing myself to believe it was actually gone.  I would not permit myself to even think about it.  Once I realized it really was gone, I was heartbroken.  I felt like my dad had died for a second time.  Now, not only was he gone, but all of his memories were gone as well.  I have refused to even think about it because it is so crushing to me and I have hated myself for ever letting it out of my sight.

Fast forward to a couple of weekends ago (no, I didn’t find the files!)  Todd and I decided to take Bella for a walk to a piece of land called “the love tunnel”.  I’m assuming it’s called this because (1) it’s a tunnel and (2) it’s spray painted with all sorts of expressions of love.  When Todd and I were in high school, we added our names to the tunnel, along with a date that had a special meaning to us.  I had not been up there in many years and my curiosity piqued as to what I would see when I got there.  Well, it was gone.  Not a trace of those two young, naive kids who believed our love was as invincible as that spray paint.

But in that moment as I searched the tunnel wall for any sign of the dedication of our love, I realized something very important.  I didn’t need to “see” the painted words in order to remember that day almost thirty years ago and what we wrote.  And I don’t need to “see” the file I kept on my dad to remember how much I loved him and how much he loved me.  I also don’t need to “see” all the important people in my life to remember what they mean to me.  My love and my memories of all the special people I have loved throughout my life are in a much safer place than a tunnel wall or a file…they are in my heart.  That’s the place where they will never get lost and where they will never fade.  So, I’m forgiving myself for losing that file, I’m going to stop worrying that without the “things” I might one day forget my dad,  and I’m just going to remember… because as long as I remember, the people I love will never be forgotten.

When I was a kid, we kept ourselves busy by playing outside. There was a street light near my house that bats were drawn to.  They would fly around the light at night.  The neighborhood kids would throw rocks up in the air and watch the bats swoop down, I guess assuming the rocks were food. I was a little weary of the bats. I worried they would swoop down and land on my head so I typically just sat and watched.  One night I got brave and decided to participate.  I threw my rock high up in the air!  I watched the rock go up…and I watched the rock come back down and hit me on the side of the head!  After some blood and tears, I decided I was done with the “bat game”.

I still have a dent on the right side of my temple from that rock.  It’s probably something only I can notice, but it occasionally leads me back to my 8 or 9 year-old self
to wonder why I didn’t get out of the way.  My husband would tell you it’s because
I was gifted with plenty of smarts but not a lick of sense.  He’s probably right, I am lacking in the common sense department at times, but I also think it might have been an indicator of things to come.

You see, just like that child stood and watched the rock hit her smack on the side of the head, this adult sometimes stands and allows hurtful people and situations to plow me over, with never even an attempt to get out of the way.  And just like I was the person who threw the rock that hit me, I think most of my painful situations have been self-inflicted as well.  
 
So how DO we “get out of the way”?  Here are some of the things I'm working on...

Stop surrounding yourself with people who bring you down.  Stay away from friends who judge you and make you feel bad about yourself and relationships that leave you feeling sad, rejected, and lonely.   Surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you.  Friends who support you and make you smile.  People you can be your authentic self with, not a mask of who you think they want you to be.  When I started doing this, my circle of friends dwindled, but I became a much happier person in the process.

Stop putting yourself in situations you know will lead to unhappiness.  Do things that make you happy… even if those things aren’t popular with your friends.  Doing things you truly enjoy will connect you with people with similar interests and you will be surprised how many people out there may have a hidden passion for the same things you do.  Writing a blog such as this is not something I have in common with many
people.  I knew I might not get a lot of support for it, but it has connected me with some of the most amazing people who write me privately about their struggles.  My writing is not for everyone, but for those who “get me” I cannot say thank you enough for your camaraderie.

Be you own best friend. Get to know yourself.  Learn to be comfortable spending time alone.  I spent more time by myself this summer than I ever have.  It was a blessing.  There was a time I would have not been comfortable doing that.  I always felt like I had to “fill” my time and try to keep up with the fun I thought everyone else was having.  For the first time in a long time, I’m comfortable in my own skin and I like being with me.

Let go of what you can’t control.  Just let it go.  It’s heavy and it’s weighing you down.  Hand it over to a higher power or decide you will revisit it some other time, but for now, set it down and continue the journey without it.  This is probably the hardest for me, but I’m making baby steps and so can you.

Stay positive and count your blessings.  There is always something to be thankful for, even if it’s just growing old…many don’t have that privilege.   Don’t take life so seriously.  That’s my goal this year…to put more fun in my life, especially at work.  Keep the focus on what’s good in your life and that will help you stay on the path of positivity.

What do you do to “get out of the way”?  Are some of the painful situations in your life “self-inflicted”?  I would love to hear your story!

It’s the beginning of the end…the end of summer that is.  It’s the end of lazy days and sleeping in.  It’s the end of long vacations, the sound of the waves, and the smell of suntan lotion.  It’s the end of going out to breakfast with the kids and hours spent playing with my puppy. It’s the end of a clean house, manageable laundry, and not being sure what day it is. I know the end of summer has come when I go buy my planner for the upcoming year.  I love the crisp, clean pages that will soon be colorfully marked with school schedules, meetings, sporting events, practices, appointments, and celebrations.

But many endings can be sad. At my age, I see my peers dealing with some painful endings.  The end of a marriage…the end of children living at home. ..the end of a career…the end of strong, healthy parents…the end of a friendship. 

But as we know, all endings are new beginnings in disguise.

I find some comfort in the idea that behind every painful ending, there is something new and promising waiting for us.  I am intrigued by what might be waiting ahead if I just have the courage to keep walking. The end of a marriage might be the beginning of finding your best friend.  The end of children living at home might be an exciting new chapter for you and your spouse.  The end of a career might open the door for you to follow your true passion.  The end of healthy parents might give way to a deeper relationship with them as the roles begin to reverse and the end of a friendship could lead the way to finding a new friend who understands you like no other.

Although the end of summer is a bit melancholy for me, it is also the beginning of many new things in my life as well.  It’s the start of a new school year with a new principal, new expectations, and new students.  It’s the opportunity to serve as an
advisor for Kappa Delta sorority at Virginia Tech as soon as the students arrive back. It’s the inauguration of being a parent to two kids in high school  and the excitement of new seasons for all their sports. It’s the establishment of my own journey to healthier living and a more peaceful state of mind and it’s the commencement of new challenges and opportunities for personal growth.

I don’t like change (see my post about change) so letting go of the old to make room for the new has always been challenging and frightening for me.  I'm trying not to focus on the sad endings and scary beginnings though, but to embrace all the life that comes in between.  How have you dealt with a painful ending or scary beginning in your life?  Have you made it through and are on the other side now?  How did it feel?

If you've been following my blog from the beginning, you know that part of my inspiration for this journey came from a stray cat that showed up at our house last summer.  Here is that post.  I wouldn't go as far as to say Sadie became part of our family, but more like she became part of me.  Unfortunately, as unexpectedly as she came, she's gone.  I have not seen her for two weeks.  That's not a good sign.  She has waited at the back door every morning for a year for her breakfast and every evening for her dinner.  She would be sunning on the porch every afternoon when I got home from work and asleep in the garage or on the porch every night before I went to bed.  She has stayed away for a day sometimes, but I don't believe she would purposely stay away this long.  This is the first time I've really talked about it, because I felt like if I said it out loud or wrote it down that it would make it real and I wasn't ready for that until now.  Sadie deserves a good-bye.

When I think about what that sweet cat taught me, three lessons come immediately to mind.

Be open to new things...I hated cats.  Period.  I have never owned a cat, paid no mind to any cats that might be pets of my friends, and did my best to avoid cats at all costs.  I have no idea why.  I just thought I didn't like them.  "I'm a dog person" I would say to everyone.  I'm not really sure why I felt you either needed to be a "dog person" or a "cat person" and you couldn't be both, but that's beside the point.  She taught me to be open to new ideas and even old ideas that may not be true to who I am anymore.  By loving her, I realize I never hated cats, I just never gave them a chance.  I was never open to the idea and had a pre-conceived notion about something I knew nothing about it.  I think about how many other things in my life I haven't given a chance because I have already made a judgment based on a past experience or memory or even because I'm afraid.  (And yes, I will be trying yogurt today.  I have in my head I hate yogurt so I have refused to try it my entire adult life.  I have a yucky look on my face right now even thinking about it, but considering I don't actually have a memory of ever eating it and not liking it, I think I've created the whole thing in my head!  I'll keep you posted!)

A simple life is a happy life...As with most animals, she didn't need much to be happy.  She just wanted to be fed, a safe place to sleep, and a little attention here and there.  That's it.  I tried to buy her some fancy cat toys one time but she looked at me like "Girl...really?" and never touched them.  She was happy with the sun on her face and the peace that came with knowing she was safe...that she didn't need to look over her shoulder all the time.  I do believe she was genuinely happy this past year and that definitely brings me some comfort.  And I agree with her, a simple life is a happy life.  The more "stuff" I accumulate in my house and even in my mind, only makes my life feel cluttered.  I don't need it.  She has inspired me to simplify.

We all want to belong, to feel connected...As independent as Sadie was, she still wanted to belong to something...to our family.  She wanted to feel loved and she wanted to feel connected to something bigger than herself.  One day when I wasn't feeling well and I was in bed all day, Todd brought her into the house and put her in the bed with me.  She never left my side.  She wanted to be touching me the whole time.  We all need that human touch.  We all need to feel loved.  We all want to belong.  There's not a person out there, no matter how independent and strong, that doesn't have these basic needs.  We should always remember that.

If Sadie is still alive, I hope she's found a loving home and I will always be looking for to show up again.  If she's not, I just hope there was no suffering and she is looking down on me from a very happy place.  We had a very special connection.  I always felt like she was watching me...looking after me.  And there were times this year, I needed to feel like someone was watching out for me.  She brought me comfort, she showed me love, and she gave me inspiration.  I will be forever grateful.  Dr. Seuss says "Don't cry because it's over.  Smile because it happened."  I'm smiling Sadie, I'm smiling.

“I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded; not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night.”  ~Khaled Hosseini, The Kite Runner

 Someone asked me if I would write something about forgiveness.  I immediately thought of this line from The Kite Runner.  I loved this line and it shed a whole new light on the meaning of forgiveness for me.  But I am certainly no forgiveness expert.  I am working really hard at being a forgiving person, but forgiveness can be a funny thing. Whether you’re trying to forgive someone else or working on forgiving yourself, it’s not as easy as they make it sound.  We hear about the peace, freedom, and serenity you feel when you have finally found the strength to forgive, but the journey there can be so painful, many never make it.  Forgiveness has always been confusing to me.  How could I feel such a deep need for forgiveness from others when I mess up, but have such a difficult time offering that same forgiveness?  My first misstep was believing if I forgave someone, it meant I was condoning the wrong that had been committed…that I was letting someone/myself off the hook.  Luckily I realized quickly that’s not what forgiveness is about. C.R. Strahan said “Forgiveness has nothing to do with absolving a criminal of his crime.  It has everything to do with relieving oneself of the burden of being a victim – letting go of the pain and transforming oneself from victim to survivor.”  I also often wondered how I would KNOW the act of forgiveness was complete.  I was waiting for the epiphany.  I was waiting for the finale.  I wanted to do the hard work of forgiving and then be done with it, never to think about it again.  Now I believe it doesn’t work that way.  You don’t ever forget.  You still remember… it’s just free of any pain or resentment.  It’s a daily choice you make not to serve the past up for breakfast every morning and to forgive not necessarily because people deserve it, but to forgive them because they need it – because we need it.

But, I admit, I struggle.  When you let anger, hurt, and bitterness run through your veins, it takes much hard work to cleanse yourself of that poison.  And it is poison.  It hurts no one but yourself to carry that load around.  It weighs you down.  It’s heavy on your heart, it’s heavy on your body, and it’s heavy on your mind.  It gives someone a power over you that no one but you should have.  It changes you.  So let’s all slide the weight from our shoulders and move forward, because without forgiveness, there is no forward motion.  Let’s begin to forgive because we will ask for that forgiveness for
ourselves one day and because there is great pride in being a survivor and great
burden in being a victim.   Let's give the gift of forgiveness,  And I challenge you to start with yourself.

“Love yourself—accept yourself—forgive yourself—and be good to yourself, because
without you the rest of us are without a source of many wonderful things.” -Leo F. Buscaglia

The conversation went something like this…

Me:  My house is such a mess!

Friend:  You’ve been saying that every day since you built the house in 1994…clean it!

Me:  But I don’t want to!  I hate cleaning!

Friend:  So then don’t, but own it.  Accept the fact you’re not going to have a perfectly clean house, quit stressing about it and move on.  It’s not your thing.

Ok, my friend is right.  It’s not my thing and I have been complaining about it since 1994.  So today I’m going to own it, but I feel so alone!  And guilty…and judged…and embarrassed.  First, let me be clear in case my kids are reading this and dying of embarrassment. Our house is not disgusting (well most of the time) and I’m not like an episode of Hoarders, I’m just messy…always have been.  And I hate to clean…always have.  I tell people I was in the bathroom when God gave out the clean gene.  I was running out pulling my pants up yelling, “Wait!  I’m coming!”, but he had already finished. 

I go out of my way to try and catch someone else with a messy house.  I pop in unannounced hoping to find some shoes lying around, maybe a blanket on the floor…nothing.  I purposely go over after dinner wishing there might be some dishes in the sink or an unwiped counter…nothing.  I make excuses to walk by their bedroom just praying for an unmade bed…again nothing.  What is wrong with me?!?  I can hear some of you reading this now.  You’re saying, “Whatever.  Every time I come to your house it looks great.”  And you’re probably right…because I know you’re coming!  It’s the only time I really motivate to clean!  That’s why I entertain a lot, otherwise who knows what it would look like!

Obviously I’m capable of cleaning and I actually do a good job when I do it.  And I LOVE a clean house…makes me seriously so happy.  And the stress I feel when it’s a mess is crippling sometimes.  So why don’t I just clean it?  I don’t know.  I use the excuse I’m busy.  I work full time and most days after work I’m at a game or practice or running errands of some sort.  When I get home at 7:00 or 8:00, cleaning is the last thing I want to do.  But I know it’s an excuse.  I see other working moms as busy as I am AND still have a clean house.   Cleaning is just not a priority for me.  That’s the bottom line.

So here it is for the whole world to see…there’s a good chance my house might be a mess when you pop in.  But our house is a home.  You and your kids are welcome any time.  You don’t have to worry about scratching our hardwood floors, they are already scratched.  You don’t have to worry about spilling something on the carpet…it’s already stained.  I have paint on my jeep and kitchen table from high school paint parties.  I have scuffed up walls where the paint has come off in my kitchen from a wrestling match between a bunch of boys.  My lighting fixture hanging upstairs is broken from soccer balls being kicked back and forth.  I have dents in my garage door from hours of practicing volleyball serves.  My kitchen stool is broken from a friend laughing so hard she fell off it and it broke.  I can’t bring myself to fix it because seeing it still makes me laugh.  My coffee table legs look like half eaten corn on the cob from my “sweet” dog’s chewing problem and there are always cans of drinks all over the house from all the kids coming in and out of the house.  Even with the mess, my kids love to have friends over.  “It’s comfortable” they tell me.  “We don’t have to worry about stuff when we are here.”  And they don’t.  It’s important to my husband and I to have a house everyone feels comfortable coming to.  A house people want to hang out in and they don’t have to worry about breaking something or ruining something…it’s all just stuff and nothing so valuable it can’t be replaced.

But I still struggle.  I’m still extremely jealous of all of you with clean houses.  Even though my husband and kids are more than capable of cleaning (and they do), somewhere deep inside I still feel like it’s “my job” to keep a clean house and it’s a reflection of me when it’s not.  Even though my husband tells me not to worry about it, it’s just who we are, I still worry.  I still get embarrassed, I still feel like a failure.  Although I feel alone in this battle, statistics say I’m far from alone.  Workingmother.com conducted a survey and found that 68% of readers felt significantly or strongly guilty about their not-clean-enough homes.  They felt more guilt over that than spending enough time with their kids.  Why are we so hard on ourselves?  We live in a different time than our mothers did.  Life is busier and busier but our standards and expectations are becoming higher…we feel the pressure to do it all, and do it well.  I can’t keep up so I’m cutting myself some slack.   Come over and have a glass a wine with me, messy house or not.  I promise to have enough wine on hand you won’t even remember the mess!!

I’m tired…really tired.  I usually write a blog post on Fridays, but today I just don’t feel it.  I had thoughts going through my mind, but it seemed too hard to find the words to put them on paper.  Since I started this blog, today was the first time I’ve ever felt this way.  I know what’s wrong, I have too much in my head.  This is a really busy time for me at work and at home and the only thoughts that seem to come into my head are just “Get me through this month.”  I feel overwhelmed and that’s when I feel the anxiety and stress creep in.  I hate when I get like this.  There are things going on in my life I have no control over and other things I have not had the courage to make the changes I need to make.  These things are weighing on me.

I want serenity.  The definition of serenity is calm and untroubled; without worry, stress, or disturbance.  Ahhhh…sounds heavenly.  A day like today always leads me back to the The Serenity Prayer I have posted over my desk.  This prayer is closely associated with 12-step programs, but it was originally written by Reinhold Niebuhr in 1943. I read it often, as I’m sure most of us do, but today I really read it.  I picked it apart; sentence by sentence, word by word.  I found new meaning in it today and it helped me.  I found some peace for the first time today.  The weight didn’t seem so heavy.  My troubles seemed not so important.

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace.

Taking, as He did, this sinful world
As it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
If I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonable happy in this life
And supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.

Amen.

Maybe this will help you today.  Maybe you are having a day like mine.  Maybe you are having trouble accepting things you can’t change.  Maybe you haven’t found the courage to make changes that need to be made.  Maybe you are not living in the moment.  Maybe you find yourself in the past or in the future much too often.  Maybe you are struggling to accept the hardships that have come your way.  Maybe appreciating things the way they are is proving challenging for you.  Maybe your expectation of happiness is leaving you disappointed.  Maybe your faith in a higher power has been shaken.  Or maybe you will just print this and keep it close by for when you have one of those days.

My personal idea of serenity is lying on the beach listening to the waves crash or sitting on my porch appreciating the amazing view I have.  It’s where I feel most calm and most untroubled.  Luckily for me, I plan to spend a good portion of my summer at the beach and the remaining time doing nothing in the comfort of my home.  Where do you find serenity?  I would love to hear about it!

Today is a bittersweet day for me.  My son got in the car and drove to school…all by himself.  The feelings were the same as the day he went off to kindergarten.  Wondering when in the world my little boy got so big.  Taking pictures he didn’t want me to take.  Waving to him with tear-filled eyes long after I could no longer see his car.  Planning how I could secretly follow him to school at a safe distance to make sure he got there ok.  Knowing I had to let go and let him navigate this milestone all by himself, but not wanting to.  

Don’t get me wrong, Brandon is a good driver.  I’ve been so proud of the way he’s handled himself in the car the past nine months.  I’m very excited for him.  I remember the first time I got behind the wheel all by myself.  I was cheering for a high school basketball game.  My mom let me take the car to pick up my best friend and drive to the high school.  Even though we were in a 1976ish station wagon the size of a small boat, Pam and I thought this was the coolest thing ever.  A door to a new kind of freedom opened up on that first drive and life was never the same.  Today is that day for him.

I have to admit though, I’m worried.  The statistics are sobering when it comes to teenage driving.  I hate to be Debbie Downer on such a special day in his life, but here are just a few I came across, from http://www.dosomething.org/tipsandtools/11-facts-about-teen-driving#

1. 33 percent of deaths among 13 to 19-year-olds in 2010 occurred in motor vehicle crashes.
2. 16-year-olds have higher crash rates than drivers of any other age and in their first year of driving, 1 in 5 16-year old drivers has an accident.
3. 56 percent of teens said they talk on the phone while driving and talking on the phone can double the likelihood of an accident.
4. Statistics show that 16 and 17-year-old driver death rates increase with each additional passenger and crash risk for teens increase incrementally with each mile per hour over the speed limit.
5. Only 44 percent of teens said they would definitely speak up if someone were driving in a way that scared them.
6. More than 40 percent of teen auto deaths occur between the hours of 9 p.m. and 6 a.m.

So Brandon, if you are reading this, here’s what I want to tell you. My concern for you as a new driver is not because I don’t think you’re a good driver, I do.  It’s because I’ve been there.  I’ve been in high school and I know what goes on.  I’ve seen serious car accidents and have been in them myself.  I’ve seen the drinking and driving and the car loads of kids with the music so loud you couldn’t hear yourself think.  I’ve ridden with friends who terrified me with their driving and I never said a word.  And I didn’t even have to deal with cell phones and texting.  Something that has become such an ingrained part of our life, it’s hard for even adults to stop doing it.  I’ve witnessed the speeding and goofing off and know what can happen even if YOU are doing everything right.  But mostly, my concern is because I’m your mom.  Because I love you.  You and Catie are the most precious things in my life.  Because I don’t ever want to live a day without you in it.  It’s hard for me to watch you grow up but I know I must.  I get a little sad, but also very proud, each time I cross something off my list of things you no longer need me for.  I’m going to miss the one-on-one time I have with you when I’m driving you places, as that seem to be the only time we really get to talk, but I know there are new adventures ahead for us and new memories to be made.

So enjoy this right of passage, but as you navigate through tough choices as a new driver, always remember I’m here for you.   Your dad and I will pick you up anytime, anywhere, no questions asked.  You are lucky to have an abundance of amazing aunts and uncles who are much cooler than I am and can keep a secret as well.  Use them.  Most importantly, have fun.  This is the start of some of the best days of your life.  And I hope no matter where you are, you’ll hear my voice whispering those three important words…use your blinker!!