When my son was a toddler I would throw him these huge birthday parties…his friends, our friends, lots of chaos.  The first year we did this, he spent most of the party hiding under the table and cried when we sang happy birthday.  I thought…what is wrong with you?  You’re being rude to your friends…how can you not be enjoying this?  The second year as he hid under the table I thought…what is wrong with me?  He is obviously not enjoying this at all…is it HIS party or MY party?  We never had any more “birthday parties” after that. He might have a few friends spend the night or out to dinner with the grandparents but parties were a thing of the past.  It was in that moment watching him hiding and truly miserable that the idea of introverts and extroverts began to apply to my life.  I realized I was trying to make my introverted son an extrovert like me and doing all kinds of damage in the process.

I like the way my sister describes it best.  She is a career counselor at a large university.  Her title and responsibilities are much more impressive than that, but that’s her passion.  Helping students find their calling in life and she is very well versed in personality testing. (Go check out her blog!).  She says to think of yourself as an iPod.  You are down to 1% left on your battery and you need to recharge.  Do you recharge by being around lots of people and action (extrovert) or do you recharge in solitude and quiet (introvert)?  

I’ve always been on the extrovert side.  As a child I loved people and parties and being the center of attention.  In high school I was very social and outgoing.  I was a bubbly and energetic cheerleader with no qualms performing at a pep rally in front of the whole school.  I ran for class offices and served on committees and I was always where the party was.  The more the merrier and my social calendar couldn’t be full enough.  In college I felt a tiny shift.  The sorority I was in felt a bit overwhelming at times and I stuck mostly with a small group of friends but I still had a very active social life.  I could small talk with the best of them and be extremely charming when need be.  In my 30’s I felt another shift.  I wasn’t as comfortable around people I didn’t know. Once I got to know someone they would be surprised at how nice I was and easy to talk to because their first impression of me was sometimes stand-offish or even snobbish.  My husband and I still entertained and went out a lot but I found myself hiding in the bathroom at times just to get a breather and regroup. The large groups felt stifling.  I found my large circle of friends dwindling a bit and preferred a smaller group.  I took a personality test at this point and found I was 50/50 introvert versus extrovert.  I was teetering on the line and easily swayed depending on the day or my mood.  I believe I officially made the leap to being an introvert in my 40’s.  Small talk is torture for me, but a one-on-one conversation with the same person becomes meaningful and sincere.  My job requires me to use every ounce of “extrovertism” I have left, so my free time is spent mostly on activities that don’t require company.  I read, write, go the movies, walk.  I crave alone time.  I need quiet because my mind is so loud.  I still do lots of happy hours and socializing but it’s almost always one-on-one or in a small group.  I used to be an open book, but I do much more listening now and much less talking.  

Most of us possess a little bit of each side to us but the research I’ve seen says that extroverts make up anywhere from 50-75% of the population.  I believe that introverts are misunderstood by many.  So, on behalf of introverts everywhere, this is what I want you to know.  I’m definitely not shy, I just don’t always interact for the sake of interacting. When I’m quiet, I’m not mad or upset or depressed or pouting, I’m just listening…and I enjoy that.  I have strong social skills and I enjoy socializing as much as anyone, but when the party is over and my extrovert friends want to keep it going, you will find me home in my pajamas.  It’s not that I didn’t have fun or I don’t enjoy your company because I do, I just need to recharge.  My circle of close friends may seem small to you, but I like it that way. They are made up of people who are loyal, compassionate and sincere.  I do like to have fun!  Sometimes it will be in the same ways my extroverted friends do and other times it may be in ways that seem boring to you.  There will be times you find me on the dance floor with endless energy but there will also be times getting carried away in a good book sounds just as fun. 
Some of my closest friends would be considered extroverts.  We treasure each other for who we are and try not to take personally the things that make us different.  My extroverted friends make sure I don’t become a hermit and lead me outside my comfort zone from time to time, while I rein them in and encourage them to slow down and take time for themselves.  I might even get them to read a book or two!

I don’t know how long this phase of introversion will last for me as I believe you can transition from one to another throughout our many life stages.  Looking back, I’ve probably been more “ambivert” (someone who falls in the middle of the spectrum) than either of the other two, but I also had a misconception that in order to be “fun” you had to be extroverted.  But what I do know, it that today I’m an introvert and I couldn’t be happier.

What about you?  Do you consider yourself an introvert, extrovert or ambivert?  Have you found you’ve transitioned from one to another throughout your life?  I’d love to hear what you think!

“I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded; not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night.”  ~Khaled Hosseini, The Kite Runner

 Someone asked me if I would write something about forgiveness.  I immediately thought of this line from The Kite Runner.  I loved this line and it shed a whole new light on the meaning of forgiveness for me.  But I am certainly no forgiveness expert.  I am working really hard at being a forgiving person, but forgiveness can be a funny thing. Whether you’re trying to forgive someone else or working on forgiving yourself, it’s not as easy as they make it sound.  We hear about the peace, freedom, and serenity you feel when you have finally found the strength to forgive, but the journey there can be so painful, many never make it.  Forgiveness has always been confusing to me.  How could I feel such a deep need for forgiveness from others when I mess up, but have such a difficult time offering that same forgiveness?  My first misstep was believing if I forgave someone, it meant I was condoning the wrong that had been committed…that I was letting someone/myself off the hook.  Luckily I realized quickly that’s not what forgiveness is about. C.R. Strahan said “Forgiveness has nothing to do with absolving a criminal of his crime.  It has everything to do with relieving oneself of the burden of being a victim – letting go of the pain and transforming oneself from victim to survivor.”  I also often wondered how I would KNOW the act of forgiveness was complete.  I was waiting for the epiphany.  I was waiting for the finale.  I wanted to do the hard work of forgiving and then be done with it, never to think about it again.  Now I believe it doesn’t work that way.  You don’t ever forget.  You still remember… it’s just free of any pain or resentment.  It’s a daily choice you make not to serve the past up for breakfast every morning and to forgive not necessarily because people deserve it, but to forgive them because they need it – because we need it.

But, I admit, I struggle.  When you let anger, hurt, and bitterness run through your veins, it takes much hard work to cleanse yourself of that poison.  And it is poison.  It hurts no one but yourself to carry that load around.  It weighs you down.  It’s heavy on your heart, it’s heavy on your body, and it’s heavy on your mind.  It gives someone a power over you that no one but you should have.  It changes you.  So let’s all slide the weight from our shoulders and move forward, because without forgiveness, there is no forward motion.  Let’s begin to forgive because we will ask for that forgiveness for
ourselves one day and because there is great pride in being a survivor and great
burden in being a victim.   Let's give the gift of forgiveness,  And I challenge you to start with yourself.

“Love yourself—accept yourself—forgive yourself—and be good to yourself, because
without you the rest of us are without a source of many wonderful things.” -Leo F. Buscaglia

I love to express myself through writing.  Although I’m articulate and I have no problem talking to people, I tend to be very reactive. I speak without thinking through my thoughts. 
This can lead to some regrets and a number of embarrassing moments because I can say some pretty stupid stuff!  Writing gives me a chance to ponder my thoughts, to read them through someone else’s eyes, to do on paper what my mind can’t seem to do…to slow down.

I’ve been writing this blog for 5 months now.  I started this blog for various reasons…to share some things I’ve learned through my counseling background and my own life experiences, to see if I like writing as much as I think I do, to challenge myself by doing something totally out of my comfort zone, to test if it was something I would stick with and not give up on, to open up doors with the possibility writing might be part of a
career for me one day, and mainly because I enjoy it.  What I write about isn’t everyone’s cup of tea and each time I post something I debate if I should keep doing this.  Something keeps me at it though.  I often get writer’s block.  Not because I don’t have something to say (I always do!) but because I also decided to stay away from topics that are too personal, too controversial, too heavy. I told myself this was
because I wasn’t ready for the criticism and judgment that comes along with
plunging into topics like these.  But it wasn’t until I started reading a book by Brene Brown called Daring Greatly that I understood the real reason I don’t delve into these hard topics.  I don’t want to be vulnerable.  Not just in this blog, but in life.  

Vulnerable is defined as capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt; capable of being physically or emotionally wounded.  As I write that even I’m thinking…well who in the world WOULD want to be vulnerable?  Brown explains in her book how vulnerability is both the core of difficult emotions like fear, grief, and disappointment and the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, empathy, innovation, and creativity.  She explains that when we shut ourselves off from vulnerability, we distance ourselves from the experiences that bring purpose and meaning to our lives.

I want to share an excerpt of the introductory of her book.  It was one of those “aha” moments for me.  I reread it many times hoping her words would seep into my pores.  I find them extremely powerful.  I hope you will too.

Taken from Daring Greatly by Brene Brown:

The phrase Daring Greatly is from Theodore Roosevelt’s speech “Citizenship in a Republic.”  The speech, sometimes referred to as “The Man in the Arena” was delivered at the Sorbonne in Paris, France on April 23, 1910.  This is the passage that made the speech famous.

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause;

Who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly…”

Dr. Brown continues with her thoughts.

The first time I read this quote, I thought, this is vulnerability. Everything I’ve learned from over a decade of research on vulnerability has taught me this exact lesson.  Vulnerability is not knowing victory or defeat, it’s understanding the necessity of both; it’s engaging.  It’s being all in.

Vulnerability is not a weakness, and the uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure we face every day are not optional.  Our only choice is question of engagement.  Our
willingness to own and engage with our vulnerability determines the depth of our
courage and clarity of our purpose; the level to which we protect ourselves from being vulnerable is a measure of our fear and disconnect.

When we spend our lives waiting until we’re perfect or bulletproof before we walk into the arena, we ultimately sacrifice relationship and opportunities that may not be recoverable, we squander our precious time, and we turn our backs on our gifts, those unique contributions that only we can make.

Perfect and bulletproof are seductive, but they don’t exist in the human experience.  We must walk into the arena, whatever it may be – a new relationship, an important meeting, our creative process, or a difficult family conversation – with courage and willingness to engage.  Rather than sitting on the sidelines and hurling judgment and advice, we must dare to show up and let ourselves be seen.  This is vulnerability.  This is daring greatly.

And this is just the first page!  So this is my new motto…I’m daring greatly!  I’m not sure exactly what that’s going to look like, but I have a few ideas. There are some arenas I need to walk into and some places I need to dare to show up.  I need to realize
fear is not going to protect me and perfection is unattainable.  I need to be vulnerable.

If you liked this post, go get her book.  I ordered it through Amazon but I’m sure it’s in any bookstore.  She has also given two TED talks and I’ve attached them here if you want to hear more.  And if you get the book and you want to discuss it through an informal book club, let me know and I’ll set one up on my blog.

While at the beach last week, my friend and I were laying on my bed watching videos of her 8 year-old daughter.  These were videos her daughter made of herself doing everything from writing and singing songs (and very well may I add!) to discussing quite articulately her feelings on many topics.  We laughed and laughed.  It was obvious to me this sweet girl is creative, dramatic, introspective, smart, assertive, confident and clearly she thinks she is fabulous!  When we finished watching one, my friend sighed and said “It makes me sad this will all be gone in a few years.”  I sighed too.  She didn’t have to explain…I knew exactly what she meant.

Within the next few years, this sweet little girl may change.  She may believe being smart is not cool so she will pretend she is not.  She may believe being creative makes her different, so she will hide it.  She may believe assertiveness does not go over well with the boys so she will learn to become passive.  She may see the TV and the magazines and believe that all “pretty girls” come in one size…skinny.  There may come a day when she does not see herself as fabulous anymore, because she will be so focused on her flaws.  Her confidence may turn to doubt.  

I know I’m generalizing here, but I see this phenomenon every day…in my young students, in my own daughter, and even in myself.  In an article on babycenter.com, Chris Woolston says, “Girls usually start off life at full steam. They're the early talkers, the social butterflies, the A students. But somewhere between preschool and middle school, a confusing blend of new social pressures, greater expectations in the classroom, and mixed signals from society (“Do your best – but don’t draw too
much attention to yourself,” “You can be anything you want to be – but looking
pretty is your top priority”) can cause girls to fall behind academically or lose their spark.” Check out an issue of any magazine marketed to women out there and you will be stunned by the mixed signals we are sending our young girls.  Anita Gurian, PhD states in an article on aboutourkids.org that, “Starting in the preteen years, there is a shift in focus; for girls, their appearance and their changing bodies too often become an all-consuming passion and barometer of worth. For an overwhelming majority of girls, self-esteem becomes too closely tied to how they look and their physical attributes; girls feel they can't measure up to unrealistic society standards.”

After watching a couple more videos, my friend looked at me and said “What do I do?  How do I keep her thinking she is fabulous?” She was asking me not only as a counselor, but as a friend and as a mother of a 14 year-old girl.  I wish I had THE answer.  I don’t.  I struggle with this same question.  I do like this list from the Chris Woolston article of things you can do to build your daughter's confidence and resilience for the tricky years ahead:

1. Encourage assertiveness…Teach your daughter to express her needs to adults and stand her ground with her peers. If another child is being mean to her, encourage her to say "I don't like the way you're talking to me."

2. Be specific in your compliments…When you tell your daughter how smart she is, it means much more if you use concrete examples. Tell her "You have a really good memory" or "Boy, you sure know your dinosaurs."

3. Make your praise match reality…A third-grader will know that she's not a musical genius or the best artist on the planet, but she'll appreciate it if you notice her improvement from one month to the next.

4. Help her understand why she sometimes gets left out…Explain to your daughter that if she isn't invited to every birthday party or to join every jump-rope game (and she won't be), it's not meant to be an insult. Explain that when another child says "You can't be my friend," it probably has more to do with that child's bad mood than it does with your daughter.

5. Encourage competence…Don't be too quick to help your daughter with homework or chores. If she asks for help, ask her to try working through it for a couple more minutes on her own first.

6. Encourage her to play sports if she wants to…Girls have more sporty options than ever before. If she wants to do gymnastics or play football, give her a chance to get in the game and find out what she's capable of. Don't decide which sports are right for her – she can figure it out herself.

7. Don't make assumptions about her strengths and weaknesses…Just because your child is a girl doesn't mean she'll struggle with fractions – or that she'll ace reading tests. It also doesn't mean she won't want to go fishing or try out for Little League. Follow her cues to best nurture her strengths and work on improving her weaknesses.

8. Encourage a healthy body image…When she asks the inevitable "Am I pretty?" answer her with an enthusiastic yes. When you praise her appearance, try to highlight her actions, too: "You looked so graceful at gymnastics today" or "Your eyes really shone on the stage.”  It can also be helpful for older girls to hear that models in magazines don't look like real girls or women and that their photographs are altered to make them look thinner and more flawless than they actually are.

9. Prepare her for sexism…Even today, some people think that girls can't do some things that boys can. If you notice your daughter watching TV shows or movies where girls stay in the background while boys save the day, point it out and talk to her about how different things are in the real world.

10. Point out positive female role models…Take every opportunity, when you're watching the news or reading the paper, to show your daughter that women - senators, sportscasters, doctors, athletes – can do anything.  Reading books with strong female characters is one of the best ways to get the idea across without
lecturing. If you can't think of enough books like that, ask a librarian – they often have lists of books to choose from and can make recommendations.

Do you agree with his list? What would you add?  What’s worked for you?  Check out this video from The Dove Campaign for Real Beauty...

Yesterday, we took Bella to the creek on some of Todd’s family land to play in the water.  We don’t take the time to do things like this with her very often, so she was extremely excited.  The hay on the land had not been cut so it was very high except for the path we were driving on.  As we drove, a deer popped up from the tall grass and started running.  Bella jumped out of the truck and started chasing the deer. We were following behind her and had lost sight of her briefly.  As we approached the creek, Todd slammed on the breaks because all of a sudden Bella was running straight for the truck and the deer was chasing her!  It was quite funny!  The look on Bella’s face said “Retreat!  Retreat!” 
 
I was reminded of several lessons in that moment.

Don’t pick on someone or something just because you can.  It could be you some day. Bella was all big and bad chasing that deer until the tables turned.  As she was cowering under my legs, I’m guessing she was thinking it wasn’t so fun to be on the receiving end of that little chase.  I tell my kids at school all the time that they don’t have to necessarily be friends, but if you don’t like someone, leave them alone.  There is no reason to pick on someone you perceive to be weaker than you just because you can.  You never know when you will be the one being “chased”.

There are times you must stand up for yourself.  That deer probably gets pretty tired of being chased.  Walking (or in this case running) away from trouble is always a good idea, but there are times you must stand up for yourself.  I was pretty proud of her for standing up to Bella.  Most people are cowards.  It’s easy to talk about someone, make hurtful comments, or make others feel inferior as long as you’re never called to the carpet on it.  Once confronted, even in a very nice way (which is what I recommend), the dynamics change dramatically.  Tony Gaskin said it best…“You
teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you
reinforce.”  You set the bar for how you are treated…set it high.

Don’t mess with a mama and her baby.  When we stopped the truck and got out, the deer didn’t back down a bit.  She took a few steps forward with an expression that said “Bring it on!” Catie stayed in the truck and said, “She looks mad!”  She was mad! I imagine she had a baby somewhere close by and she would do anything to protect that baby.  She ended up giving us a few grunts and running off, but I know that feeling well…mess with me all you want, but don’t mess with my kids!  I’ve seen intelligent, calm, passive women change into the Incredible Hulk right before my eyes when it comes to defending their kids.  We just can’t help it.  Be sure not to stand up for your kids so often though, that you don’t teach them to stand up for themselves.  That’s
truly the most valuable gift you can give them.

All of our moments are connected.  In that moment at the creek, I was able to experience other great moments.  As I watched Bella play, I missed our old dog Samantha tremendously, and remembered such wonderful memories with her at that same creek.  I was taken back to high school thinking about how much time Todd and I
and our friends spent at these creeks, laughing, playing, and dreaming. And as I watched my long-legged, beautiful daughter play with Bella in the creek, I realized that she will connect this moment with one of her own somewhere down the road.  This is why each moment is so special.

Of course no family outings in my world end on such a peaceful note.  As we were shutting the gate and getting ready to pile back in the truck, Bella decided she wanted to salvage her pride on this deer chasing fiasco and chased a biker about a half a mile
down a curvy, country road while we screamed frantically for her (and the biker
screamed frantically as well)!  I kept hoping for the biker to turn the tables and start chasing her, but no such luck!  When she felt rightfully redeemed, she stopped, headed back for the truck with her head held high.  Obviously, we still have some work to do!

You will never hear me described as tall or athletic or skinny or probably even beautiful.  You will more likely hear words like short or curvy or stocky or cute.  And I’m ok with that.  That is until I get around tall, athletic, skinny, beautiful women and then I fall into the trap…the comparison trap.

A friend of mine sent me a devotional she received from Proverbs 31 Ministries with an encouraging note today.  It was a devotional written by Lysa TerKeurst that started out this way…

“Comparisons stink. They do.

Just when I think I've gotten to a good place in some area of my life, along comes someone or something that seems better in comparison. And my confidence shrinks back, takes the hand of doubt, and starts ransacking the peace right out of my heart and mind.

I know deep down that God can and will use everything for good in my life, even my areas of vulnerability. But honest to goodness, it's hard on a girl's heart.”

It is hard on a girl’s heart.  If it’s not our bodies we are comparing, it’s our marriages, our jobs, our kids, our houses, our friends, our fitness, and the overall “fun” we are having in our life.  It’s always been this way, but I think social media exacerbates the problem.  We look on sites like Facebook and we “see” people with passionate marriages, successful kids, great jobs, lots of friends, running weekly marathons, and seemingly having the time of their lives.  Then it starts…the comparison.  We compare this façade (which is all it is) to our actual, real lives and things that seemed “ok”, now don’t seem so great.  Although making comparisons is very normal, as it is often how we gauge our progress and how we figure out the bar in the first place, it is rarely helpful.

Most of our comparing is based on an observation, nothing more.  We do not have all the information we need to make an accurate comparison.  If we did, we would most likely find that what we observe to be far from the truth.  When you compare, you will most likely fall short in your own mind because there is always someone or something “better” than you in any given area.  You will always find someone who is fitter, prettier, busier, smarter… but don’t mistake this for happier.  Comparing teaches us a “you versus me” mentality that leads people, especially women, to be pitted against each other rather than being supportive and nurturing.  Comparison leads to low self esteem, depression and does nothing but damage relationships, especially your relationship with yourself.  When we are full of love for ourselves, we have no need to compare. 

So from me to you (and from me to me)…if you must compare, don’t compare yourself to others, compare yourself to the person you were yesterday.  Be the best YOU can be.  Your unique look, one-of-a-kind personality, and distinctive heart distinguish you from all the others and that’s how God intended it to be.  So much precious time is wasted comparing ourselves to others.  We all have different strengths and weaknesses and it’s only when you accept everything you are – and aren’t - that you will feel successful.  Everyone’s journey is unique.  Theodore Roosevelt said it best when he said “Comparison is the thief of joy.”  So right now…right this very minute…I challenge you to commit to taking your joy back.  There is no such thing as perfection.   Quit asking what’s “wrong” with me and start focusing on what’s “right” with you, because I know there is plenty.  Roosevelt also said "Do what you can, with what you have, where you are."  So simple, yet so profound.  For me,that’s the very best any of us can do, wouldn't you agree?

I’m scared a lot.  I try to be brave, I pretend to be brave, I fake brave.  But I’m not.  Sometimes I feel like I live in a constant state of fear…fear of the unknown, fear I’m going to hurt someone I care about, fear someone is going to hurt me, fear I’m not good enough, fear I’m wasting precious time, fear I’m going to lose people I love, fear I will never be brave enough to do the things I need to do.

Everyone else seems so sure of themselves.   I often wonder,” How did they get so strong?”  Do they practice being brave?  Were they born fearless?  Did they get an extra scoop of confidence somewhere along the way?

Last night my family watched The Impossible.  If you haven’t seen it, it’s a true story about a family caught in the Tsunami while vacationing in Thailand.  It’s heart wrenching.  My daughter and I sobbed through the movie.  We held tight to each other and, without saying anything out loud, I know what we each were thinking, “What if that was us?  But thank God it wasn’t.”  During this movie full of life lessons, profound sorrow, deep love and commitment, excruciating choices, and immense bravery, it hit me.  You don’t practice bravery.  You are not necessarily born with it and no one hands it out in extra scoops.  You just are.  You have no choice.  This family was incredibly brave as they fought to stay alive and find each other in the aftermath of utter devastation, but bravery comes in all shapes and sizes.  You are as brave as you need to be in any given moment.  Winnie the Pooh was right…I am braver than I believe.  I am brave enough.

I’m brave enough to share my feelings with the world through this blog, knowing that someone is out there judging each word.  I’m brave enough to come to a job each day that, although fulfilling, can be extremely sad and scary.  I’m brave enough to bring two children into this world and devote myself to being a good mother to them.  I’m brave enough to admit when I’m wrong and to say I’m sorry.  I’m brave enough to realize something is no longer in my control and I must let go.  I’m brave enough to stand up for ideas and people I believe in, but I’m also brave enough to be open to another point of view.  And I’m surrounded by brave people I admire every day.  Not particularly “Tsunami-size” bravery, but “every day” bravery that keeps them moving forward when there are times they want to give up.  I want them to know I notice and I’m proud.  I hope I’m never tested like the mother in The Impossible, but I do hope when faced with tough times ahead, I’ll always feel brave enough.

  I was talking with a co-worker recently about some things going on in her personal life.  As we finished the conversation, she laughed and said “Why didn’t anyone tell us how hard life was going to be?” 

I’ve thought about this a lot in my own life.   We parade the good stuff every chance we get, but the tough stuff…the painful stuff…the real stuff we keep hidden away.  We don’t talk about that stuff. Maybe we are worried we will be judged.  Maybe we are worried if anyone sees a crack in our “wall” they will chip away at it further.  Maybe we are embarrassed.  Maybe we just don’t want to admit to the bad stuff, even to ourselves.  But we all have it and if we are not struggling right now, we’ve struggled in the past or our struggles are waiting for us somewhere down the line.  No one gets a free pass.

So here is what I wish someone had said to my 20-year-old self…this is what I wish I knew about life.

Life is a road trip.  You will start off excited, full of hope, full of dreams, and endless possibilities.  Throughout your trip there will be times you will lose that hope, you will stop dreaming and you see no possibilities in sight.  Hang in there, search harder, keep hoping…these feelings won’t last.  This journey will take you through many terrains.  Some are dull and boring, while others will be exciting cities with bright lights and endless parties.  As you keep traveling, you will hit barren patches, sometimes with no signs of life.  At times you will feel like you are on a road so narrow you don’t seem to fit and one wrong move might send you over the high cliffs beside you.  But hold on to the steering wheel with both hands and put every ounce of energy you have to stay on the road.  As you come off the cliffs, you will be white knuckled, tired and stressed but you will end up at some of the most breathtaking landscape you’ve ever seen.  Stay there a while and rest.

You will find a traveling partner along the way.  You plan for this to be your partner for the rest of the trip.  There will be times you sit side by side and feel such joy and awe at what you see as you travel along.  Other times though, one partner gets tired so they go in the back and nap while the other has to carry the load of the drive.  You will switch places often.  There will be times you don’t want to travel with this person anymore.  You may want to travel alone.  You need the windows down, the wind in your hair and the radio blaring and you might even take a break from traveling together.  You may decide the journey is better alone…only you know your own truth…or you realize there is nothing more satisfying than sharing this journey with your partner.  It just wouldn’t be the same without them.   Kids may join your road trip.  It will give the trip new meaning and you will see the journey through a fresh set of eyes, but they will also make the trip more complicated.  You will find yourself exhausted.  But you will feel such a mix of pride and grief when they don’t show up for the trip one day because they’ve started road trips of their own.

You will meet so many special people along the way.  Some will travel with you and be part of your journey until the end, while others you will only know for a short time.  Some, you will meet briefly, but will show up again somewhere down the road.  Meet as many people as you can but try not to grieve when they go their own way.  They have served their purpose in your life and new friends and new lessons await you at the next stop.  Some people you meet will not be nice, but they have a lesson to teach you as well.  Most though, will be kind and generous and loving and be just what you need for that leg of the trip.  Cherish each one you meet and remember to send postcards along the way.

Although there will sickness and sadness on this trip, there will also be new beginnings and miracles.  You will laugh, you will cry, you will love, you will lose.  There might come a time you don’t want to be on the trip anymore.  You have lost your way and you don’t know how to get back to the main road.  You want to give up.  Don’t.  You might need to call for help, but keep driving and one day you will look on the side of the road and see something familiar, something that brings a smile and you will know you are back on track.  Some days the best you can do is just show up.  That’s ok too.  But always be grateful for this trip, many are not so lucky.  

As the trip ends, you and your partner will hold hands and smile and laugh as you reminisce over the memories of the trip.  Sometimes the “worst” parts of the trips turn out to be the ones that taught you the most, because without the difficult parts, you wouldn’t be able to appreciate the easy and beautiful parts.  You will finally decide it’s time to pull over.  When you get somewhere to rest, all of your friends and family will be there to meet you.  They will want to hear all about your trip and they will share parts of theirs.  And you will encourage your partner to continue with the trip alone or find another traveling partner because your part of the trip is over.  Or maybe it’s you that must learn to travel alone. 

You only get one road trip and it will fly by.  Don’t waste a minute of it.  Don’t get so weary from your travels you forget to laugh, to have fun, and to try new things.  Don’t let fear of the unknown stop you from exploring, from dreaming, from being adventurous.  Don’t spend too much time remembering past stops or worrying about future destinations, enjoy the moment in front of you.  Don’t have regrets.  Each stop on your journey has served a purpose.  And finally, don’t believe that happiness is a destination you are driving towards on your journey.  Happiness is the road trip itself.  Take it all in…each person, each moment, each landscape.  Always be present.  So as you prepare for your own road trip, pack lightly, put your sunglasses on, get your camera ready, buckle up and hold on tight!  You are in for the ride of your life…make it one to remember!

The conversation went something like this…

Me:  My house is such a mess!

Friend:  You’ve been saying that every day since you built the house in 1994…clean it!

Me:  But I don’t want to!  I hate cleaning!

Friend:  So then don’t, but own it.  Accept the fact you’re not going to have a perfectly clean house, quit stressing about it and move on.  It’s not your thing.

Ok, my friend is right.  It’s not my thing and I have been complaining about it since 1994.  So today I’m going to own it, but I feel so alone!  And guilty…and judged…and embarrassed.  First, let me be clear in case my kids are reading this and dying of embarrassment. Our house is not disgusting (well most of the time) and I’m not like an episode of Hoarders, I’m just messy…always have been.  And I hate to clean…always have.  I tell people I was in the bathroom when God gave out the clean gene.  I was running out pulling my pants up yelling, “Wait!  I’m coming!”, but he had already finished. 

I go out of my way to try and catch someone else with a messy house.  I pop in unannounced hoping to find some shoes lying around, maybe a blanket on the floor…nothing.  I purposely go over after dinner wishing there might be some dishes in the sink or an unwiped counter…nothing.  I make excuses to walk by their bedroom just praying for an unmade bed…again nothing.  What is wrong with me?!?  I can hear some of you reading this now.  You’re saying, “Whatever.  Every time I come to your house it looks great.”  And you’re probably right…because I know you’re coming!  It’s the only time I really motivate to clean!  That’s why I entertain a lot, otherwise who knows what it would look like!

Obviously I’m capable of cleaning and I actually do a good job when I do it.  And I LOVE a clean house…makes me seriously so happy.  And the stress I feel when it’s a mess is crippling sometimes.  So why don’t I just clean it?  I don’t know.  I use the excuse I’m busy.  I work full time and most days after work I’m at a game or practice or running errands of some sort.  When I get home at 7:00 or 8:00, cleaning is the last thing I want to do.  But I know it’s an excuse.  I see other working moms as busy as I am AND still have a clean house.   Cleaning is just not a priority for me.  That’s the bottom line.

So here it is for the whole world to see…there’s a good chance my house might be a mess when you pop in.  But our house is a home.  You and your kids are welcome any time.  You don’t have to worry about scratching our hardwood floors, they are already scratched.  You don’t have to worry about spilling something on the carpet…it’s already stained.  I have paint on my jeep and kitchen table from high school paint parties.  I have scuffed up walls where the paint has come off in my kitchen from a wrestling match between a bunch of boys.  My lighting fixture hanging upstairs is broken from soccer balls being kicked back and forth.  I have dents in my garage door from hours of practicing volleyball serves.  My kitchen stool is broken from a friend laughing so hard she fell off it and it broke.  I can’t bring myself to fix it because seeing it still makes me laugh.  My coffee table legs look like half eaten corn on the cob from my “sweet” dog’s chewing problem and there are always cans of drinks all over the house from all the kids coming in and out of the house.  Even with the mess, my kids love to have friends over.  “It’s comfortable” they tell me.  “We don’t have to worry about stuff when we are here.”  And they don’t.  It’s important to my husband and I to have a house everyone feels comfortable coming to.  A house people want to hang out in and they don’t have to worry about breaking something or ruining something…it’s all just stuff and nothing so valuable it can’t be replaced.

But I still struggle.  I’m still extremely jealous of all of you with clean houses.  Even though my husband and kids are more than capable of cleaning (and they do), somewhere deep inside I still feel like it’s “my job” to keep a clean house and it’s a reflection of me when it’s not.  Even though my husband tells me not to worry about it, it’s just who we are, I still worry.  I still get embarrassed, I still feel like a failure.  Although I feel alone in this battle, statistics say I’m far from alone.  Workingmother.com conducted a survey and found that 68% of readers felt significantly or strongly guilty about their not-clean-enough homes.  They felt more guilt over that than spending enough time with their kids.  Why are we so hard on ourselves?  We live in a different time than our mothers did.  Life is busier and busier but our standards and expectations are becoming higher…we feel the pressure to do it all, and do it well.  I can’t keep up so I’m cutting myself some slack.   Come over and have a glass a wine with me, messy house or not.  I promise to have enough wine on hand you won’t even remember the mess!!